Raw scores 6 7 8 10-11 Adjusted 4 5 6 8
Picture selection. Some work better than others. While a skillful execution might save almost anything, in retrospect, some pictures were not appropriate for general audience.
New phenomenon: Continuum light generation.
White-light continuum generation results when a single color laser pulse passing through sapphire, produces such a wide range of frequencies that they appear as a beam of white light. In the figure, from left to right, the pulses have increasing intensity leading to larger spots of generated white light. Continuum generation is not well understood but seems to involve many physical processes, such as diffraction, dispersion, and ionization. Dr. Douglass Schumacher's research group seeks to to better understand the process of continuum generation. They find that, below a threshold intensity, laser pulses don't produce any white light. In contrast, very strong laser pulses damage the sapphire crystal. By controlling the intensity of the laser pulses Dr. Schumacher hopes to control the continuum generation phenomenon.
Varying the subject. The original had only two subjects.
The picture show an iron-atom corral on a copper surface as detected by a scanning tunneling microscope. In the microscope, a constant voltage between its tip and the surface drives a current. The resistance to the current flow depends on the microscope-surface separation. As the microscope tip is scanned across the surface, the current is kept constant by raising and lowering the microscope tip. A record of the those raisings and lowerings is converted to the picture shown. This picture is just one example of the amazing atomic detail a scanning tunneling microscope can reveal.
Topic sentence control. (close to original)
Magnets have two poles, north and south. Two magnet with the same pole adjacent repel each other. In the picture, a magnet floats above a superconductor. The superconductor acts as a "magnetic mirror," its "mirrored" magnet having the same pole as the closest pole of magnet above it. This mirroring happens in the following way. The magnet's field is repelled by the superconductor, inducing currents that produce a magnetic force pushing the the magnet away. Superconductors display these magnetic properties only at low temperature. In this picture, the superconductor is sitting in a dish of liquid nitrogen at 77 K. Until high-temperature superconductors were discovered, a picture like this would have had to be photographed in liquid helium at 4 K. Thomas Lemberger and his colleagues at Ohio State seek to discover and understand the new high-temperature superconductors.
Original and revised.
Data from these indicators [temperature deduced from ice cores] have lead to a rethinking of the past climate in the tropics. Previously it was thought that during cooler times in the Earth's past, the tropics were only a degree or two cooler than they are at the present. Professor Thompson has shown, however, that the region was as much as 11 F colder than it is right now. Although it may not seem like much of a difference, a few degrees can have a tremendous impact on the area. In fact the very glaciers he studied are in an exponential retreat and will be lost if the current trend persist. This will have a severe impact on the areas that depend on their melt-waters for agriculture and hydroelectric power in dry seasons.
The temperatures deduced over the past 25 millennia disagree strongly with previous modeling of the topics climate during the ice ages. Instead of a predicted, mere 1-2 degree decrease, Thompson now suggests decreases as large as 11 F profoundly affected the climate then. The implications for the future are as profound. The current exponential retreat of the very glaciers he studied will deny the area their melt-waters so essential for agriculture and hydroelectric power in dry seasons.
Could that new topic sentence have been improved? Not only do the temperatures deduced over the past 25 millennia disagree strongly with previous modeling but they have ominous implications for global warming predictions.
Avoid hackneyed words and phrases. (Examples are in italics.)
Plastics have long been known as an incredibly versatile material. They compose many of the items that are in existence today. The range of plastic products is >quite extensive. From the most common item, such as a plastic grocery bag, to the more complicated items, such as a bullet-proof vest, plastics can be found just about everywhere. The appeal of such a material is the fact that it can be manipulated into having specific physical and chemical properties. A recent new area where plastics are slowly being utilized is the fabrication of light emitting devices. The first plastic-based light emitting devices were build in 1990. Since then, research through the last decade has shown that these devices have improved qualities over their conventional counterparts.
Plastics are incredibly versatile materials. The range of plastic products is extensive. From the most common item, a plastic grocery bag, to more exotic items, such as a bullet-proof vest, plastics provide new and old products at a reasonable price. Their flexibility arises from the ability of chemists and engineers to tailor specific properties. For example, since 1990 plastics have been developed for light emitting devices. With respect to conventional devices. further research might provide significant cost and performance advantages.
Good Sentence Outline (revised slightly by instructor)Abstract. When the greatest amount of the racket's stored energy is returned to the ball, power is maximal. If more energy is lost during the ball-racket collision, the player has more control. Looser strings and a stronger frame allow for more power, where as tighter strings and a flexible racket give more control. The position of impact also determines how fast the ball rebounds; it is different for a serve than for a a ground stoke. Both swings share a control spot call the the center of percussion.
- Introduction raises topic strings that drive the paper: frame and string attributes, power zone, optimal control.
- Stiff frames and loose strings add power while flexible frames and tight strings allow for more control of the ball.
- Power is gained on a serve by striking the ball at the tip of the head.
- In contrast, ground strokes have maximum power near the throat [of the racker].
- Both the serve and ground stokes share a spot for optimal control, called the center of percussion.
- Conclusion nails these points.Both the strings and frame have adjustable qualities that the player can select to individual style of play. Hitting ground strokes and serving are two different motions that require different points of impact for optimal speed while they share the point of control, the center of percussion, that minimizes the jolt of impact.