"The Tale of Mister Morden" to the tune of School House Rock's "The Tale of Mister Morton" This is the tale of Mister Morden Mister Morden who? He is a servant of evil and the shadowthing tells what Mister Morden must do. Mister Morden walked down the hall. Mister Morden walked. Mister Morden talked to Londo. Mister Morden talked. "Hello, what do you want?" Mister... [Suddenly, an Author who shall remain nameless storms onto the set.] "OH NO YOU DON'T! DIE DIE DIE!" STOMP STOMP STOMP GRIND GRIND GRIND SQUEEGEE SQUEEGEE SQUEEGEE ...gurgle.... [Um, I guess we'll just cancel the rest of the pre-story pointless digression for this episode.] ...owie.... [Hey, at least we didn't try to map Punk With A Gun onto Strikeman.] Coherent Comics UnInc. Presents: ___ __ __ ___ _ _ ___ _ _ _ _ CRAZY GUY #8 / '/ | / | / \/ / ' / / \/ "...Get Off The Sidewalk." / /--' /--| / / / __ / / / copyright 1996 Dave Van Domelen `___ / | / |/__ _/ `__/ \__/ _/ ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Jack's head hurt. Not because of any injuries sustained in his fight a few hours ago, of course. Those had healed soon after the fight was over. No, his head hurt from trying to figure out who was behind what and why and how and...ow. Someone had sent Ben Sidhe to kill him. Someone had sent Vector to kill or at least inconvenience him. Someone had hired someone to sabotage his cycle (this fourth someone was probably but not definitely Vector). Someone had hired a hatchetman to kill either him or Jimmy Rip. It was like a crossword puzzle with some of the answers filled in, but most of the clues missing. Who wanted him dead? Li Ning and Pei Man for sure, maybe Slow Moe Shen, who Jack still didn't totally trust. Those three could probably explain all of the attempts, but didn't necessarily. And if there was a fourth someone, who was it, and was he related to any of the first three? Owie. And to make it all worse, his whole purpose in life had just been yanked out from under him. With no feasible way to pass through the thirty-sixth Crazy Plot, there was no point in continuing with that quest. So now he had to wing it, find some way to avoid the wrath of the Celestial Bureaucracy on his own. He felt like Gilligan must have after drinking that berry extract...too many options whirling before his eyes, too many phantoms to plague him. He yearned for something simple to take his mind off of all this, if only for a few minutes. And then, out of the blue, motorcycling ninjas appeared. "Thank you, Author," Jack smiled. * * * * Meanwhile, at a service station a few miles from the site of the battle last issue. "Yeah, he's still alive. I thought you said he had no special powers other than that stick," Vector snarled into the phone. "Listen, I don't like being used as a stalking horse. I agreed to find out how tough he was for you, I didn't agree to be a punching bag! Yeah, I know I owed you one, but the way I see it we're more than even...no, I'm not telling you what I found out unless you give me at least half my usual fee. I know I agreed to one-quarter, but the bastard took my car too, and I'll need the extra money just to replace it...and the fake IDs he tossed into the ocean. Oh, really? Heh. That almost makes up for losing the car, I suppose. Okay, okay, one-quarter's enough then. Plus whatever it costs me to get back to a real city. Wire me a grand of that here, he tossed my wallet into the damned ocean." Vector paused and glared at the tourist types who were staring at him, looking at his spandex outfit. They turned around and went back to their car. "Sorry, hadda spook some mundanes. Here's the shot on this Jack guy. He's not normal. Offensively, he's just a good fighter, from what I saw, although he's got his chi together enough to counter my style. However, he seems to have some sort of healing power. Yeah, I stuck him with a knife and a few seconds later he was fine. Not to mention, when I set off that firebomb on his bike he healed the burns within a few minutes. This guy's going to be hard to kill. No, I didn't get any clue as to what he might be vulnerable to. Oh yeah, this might be useful if you hadn't figured it out already. I think his staff's a sea-fix pin, one of the legendary pins the gods used to keep the ocean in its place in Chinese myth. Uh huh. Okay, talk to you later." * * * * Truth be told, they weren't exactly ninjas. After all, real ninjas are a specific tradition of feudal Japan, and if any remain they certainly don't ride dirt bikes. But when you come right down to it, calling any oriental killer who wears a mask and uses archaic weapons a ninja is somehow viscerally satisfying, which probably explains why the TV show "The Master" was made. The fact this show sucked would probably explain why it didn't get renewed, though. Face it, Lee Van Cleef did not make a credible ninja, no matter how loose your definition is. And Van Pattens other than Dick should not be allowed on the air under any circumstances. In fact, beating up Van Pattens is probably even more entertaining than beating up ninjas, but Jack had to make do with the targets at hand. The trio of dirt bike riding "ninjas" fell in behind the Barracuda like some sort of honor guard, carefully staying out a direct line of sight. This right away struck Jack as odd, since none of them seemed to have guns, and they were avoiding places where they could most effectively use what weapons they had. Then the iron duck hit the large, sloping rear window of the 'Cuda and shattered it, removing that particular problem. Jack ducked as a throwing star and two knives zipped into the car and hit the upholstery and shattered the rear-view mirror. As he turned around to look at his attackers, they split apart as if trying to avoid his gaze. "D'oh!" Jack facepalmed. He was driving Vector's car. They probably thought he was Vector, and didn't want any thousand fists heading their way. One was pulling up on either side of him, so he pulled his staff out from his wristband and extended it through both (open, thankfully) windows. Both managed to avoid the extension, if only barely. Then Jack slammed on the brakes, turned hard left, turned hard right and mashed down the gas pedal. This had the effects of: 1) The ninja behind him rammed into the car and fell into the back seat, scraping along broken glass in the process. 2) The ninja to the left was poleaxed by the swinging staff, while the one to the right dodged by matching Jack's turn and pulling ahead. 3) The final ninja got rammed from behind as the 'Cuda sped up. He rolled across the hood, over the roof, and fell into the back of the car with his comrade. Unfortunately, he now had two (albeit slightly stunned) fully armed ninja in his back seat. More unfortunately, there was a van full of heavily armed mooks up ahead, slowing down to get into range. There was a turn-off up ahead he might have been able to use to avoid them, but it was being blocked by a train coming up parallel to the road. Anyone not figure out what's about to happen? * * * * "I tell ya, Chet, if I'd taken that job in Texas I could have been there to report on the attack on Momentum's trial. I'd have had the scoop, not those TONN bimbos," Ray shouted over the whupwhupwhup of the news helicopter. "Yeah, and if Kent Clark played for the Mets they might have a shot at the World Series...if only by destroying all the other teams. Stop worrying about might-have-beens, and start looking for the could-still-bes. Like that down there!" Chet suddenly shouted, pointing at the Pacific Coast Highway below them and getting his camera set up. "Rue, see that blue car down there?" Ray shouted to the pilot. "You mean the one that just made three dirt bikes explode?" she asked. "Yeah, follow it!" He turned to Chet. "Rolling?" "Rolling!" "This is Ray Christopher of KTLA, over the Pacific Coast Highway north of the city as an astounding high speed chase has started below me. A moment ago, three motorcycles descended on the blue car and the riders attacked, but have been disabled. A red van is slowing down now...and it looks like the passengers are firing at the blue car! This reporter hopes they don't turn those guns skyward, and wonders what's happening here. Could it be another gang battle like those which have plagued our city lately? "Wait, what is the driver of the car doing? There's a train on that track...does he hope to turn around and head the other way, now that the van has passed the turnoff? No! He's speeding up! He's jumping the car ONTO THE BACK OF THE TRAIN! What kind of suspension does that car have, suspension of disbelief? The van is continuing to try and stay with him, and some of them seem to have noticed...Rue, pull up!" * * * * Brakes screamed in protest as Jack wrestled the car to a stop before it could go over the end of the cargo car. His passengers had recovered, but were a bit busy hanging on for dear life. Shots rang out around him, and he finally noticed a helicopter flying overhead. Jack ducked out the passenger side of the car, putting it between him and the machineguns carried by the guys in the van. Lacking a target for the moment, some of them started shooting at the helicopter, although it looked more like they were trying to drive it off than down it. It worked, and the helicopter pulled up and back out of range. A chain around his neck reminded Jack that he still had company. "Wait, you're not Vector," one of the ninjas exclaimed. "Never mind, it's that stunt man, he's on the list too. Kill him!" the other replied. Jack really didn't like the idea of seeing if he could survive being thrown under a train, so he pulled on the chain with one hand, punching the ninja with the other as he jerked forwards. Then they all ducked as another volley of bullets pinged off the car. Jack recovered first and sent the chain-wielding ninja over the side of the train with a quick throw. "AAAAIIIEEE!!!" the ninja shouted as he rolled down the embankment into the sea. The road and the tracks suddenly diverged sharply, taking the van full of mooks out of the way for the moment, so Jack leapt atop the car to get a better fighting position. The ninja followed suit, getting up on the car's hood and pulling out a short billyclub. The club whistled through the air, aiming to knock Jack's feet out from under him, but he leaped over the attack and kicked the ninja in the head. The ninja's head snapped back, but he recovered quickly and managed to land a blow on Jack's knee. Clutching his knee in one hand, Jack blocked the next club strike with the other. Then, for no apparent reason, Jack sat down in the back seat of the car. Before his opponent could react, he was clobbered from behind by an overpass. Jack winced. Unfortunately, the overpass was where the van had gone off to, and a half dozen or so mooks dropped down onto the train from the other side of the overpass. Jack reached forward, put the car in gear, and rolled back out of the seat, unhooking the cords on the trunk as he went and pulling out his motorcycle. Then with a good shove, he sent the car rolling towards the mooks. One of them almost managed to pull the "run over the car that's coming towards you" trick, but was still on the trunk when the car went over the edge and fell to the side of the track with an impressive explosion. Jack revved the cycle and jumped it off the train and onto the road, which had pulled parallel to the tracks again. The van was still there, but apparently didn't have any gunners on it anymore. Jack smiled and waved as he drove off through traffic, leaving the cursing Serially Numbered Triad Enforcer in his dust.... WILL JACK MANAGE TO MAKE IT BACK TO THE SET WITHOUT ANOTHER FIGHT SCENE? WHO WAS THAT PERSON VECTOR WAS TALKING TO ON THE PHONE? WILL THE AUTHOR EVER MANAGE TO INSERT SOMETHING RESEMBLING THE PASSAGE OF TIME INTO HIS STORIES SO THAT CERTAIN PLOT DEVELOPMENTS HE'S BEEN SITTING ON SINCE EPISODE 4 CAN TAKE PLACE? IS IT EVEN WORTH *TRYING* TO FIT THIS SERIES INTO CONTINUITY? WAS IT WISE TO RIP OFF "SUPERCOP" BEFORE ACTUALLY SEEING IT? Answers to some of these, and the release of the Crazy Guy movie, next time on...SUPERGUY! =========================================================================== Author's Note: Having never been to California, I have no idea if the stretch of road and track I described even exists. But if the Blues Brothers can plop a piece of Milwaukee down in the middle of their Chicago chase scene, I can play cut and paste with SoCal. So there.