Mars, the Red Planet, one of Earth's nearest neighbors. Fortunately for it, not quite so near that it's subjected to regular abuse like the Moon has, but not terribly far off either. And for about half of the year, it's in the right position that it's only a minor detour for anyone entering or leaving the Solar System. Aliens, superguys and the occasional experimental long-range experimental craft with faulty life support systems heading out to not return until the 25th Century pass the Mars neighborhood on a fairly regular basis. Being no fools, the people at NASA have made it a point to buddy up to anyone with interstellar travel ability, and "bum a ride" for various satellites and probes. Case in point: the Sojourner/Pathfinder mission. If NASA had been required to launch the probe itself, only one could have been hurled all the way to Mars. But by waiting until a superguy team (no point saying which one, it'll only cause continuity) happened to be heading outsystem, NASA was able to get the superguys to, well, carpetbomb Mars with dozens of Sojourner units, to the point that the Martian surface was dotted with bouncing airbags. Okay, maybe the superguys weren't as careful as NASA would have liked, a few of the probes hit too hard, or their airbags didn't inflate or somehow the remains of a cheese sandwich got into the workings, but when you're dealing with such volume of probes, you can afford a few mishaps here and there. One unit, however, could not afford any mistakes, for it was unique. And not in a way planned by NASA, either. For, as the tetrahedral unit slowly opened up, there was no simple roving explorer inside, but a sleek miniature dune buggy with a single pressure-suited passenger. His name was Jonkatta. He was a squirrel. A red squirrel. Jonkatta did not stand on ceremony, or make any grand proclamations as a human might be wont to do. He simply checked his instruments, activated the automatic beacon on the base unit, and drove off into the red sands towards his mysterious destination. Only when he was gone did a small, furry head poke up from behind a rock and peer cautiously at the lander. A bushy green tail twitched in apprehension.... Coherent Comics UnInc. Presents: ___ __ __ ___ _ _ ___ _ _ _ _ CRAZY GUY #22 / '/ | / | / \/ / ' / / \/ "Once, Twice, Three Times A Thief" / /--' /--| / / / __ / / / copyright 1997 Dave Van Domelen `___ / | / |/__ _/ `__/ \__/ _/ ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ With slightly trembling hands, Jack started to undo the straps which had held him securely in the pilot's seat of the rolling jet fighter he'd been driving. The flames from the exploded "Squirrelbat" fighters in front of him caused shadows to dance inside the recesses of the cockpit, the Sun having been blocked out by the thick black smoke. "Hey, any time yer free, could ya peel me outta this glove compartment?" Louie's voice mumbled from somewhere inside the control panel. "I didn't think this car would *have* a glove compartment," Jack replied, shrugging one shoulder out of the harness. "It does now. Barumpbump. Owww." Jack peered into a new hole in the control panel, his eyes adjusting to the flickering light. Then he winced and turned away. "Ewwwww." "Medic..." whimpered Louie. The sound of engines outside started to be audible over the crackling of the fire, the winding down of the jet engine, and the moaning of the squirrel. Jack looked around to see a number of firetrucks speeding towards him. He popped the canopy and stood up, waving his arms and shouting, "Everything's okay!" "Speak fer yerself, immortal-boy," groaned Louie. Jack looked down. "Can't you just turn into an uninjured form?" [The way the Taoist transformations work is that each form is actually a separate body, so if you get killed, you just lose that one body. - Ed] "Oh, sure...do either of my other forms look like they'd fit in here?" was the angry reply. "Just scrape me out or something." As the trucks pulled to a stop and emergency crews started spraying the flaming wrecks with foam, Jack sat back down and fished around in the panel. "I got something here...ew, it's just your tail. Hey, how are you still talking if you're not even in one piece?" "Be careful with dat, I need it fer later. And how do ya talk in English when yer lips move in Chinese, huh? Same deal. Oh, th' pain, the pain...." Jack looked into the hole again, now that the smoke was dissipating and more light was being thrown on the situation. "Um, I think I'll need a spatula or a wetvac. Oh, wait, I know," he said, pulling out his needle-sized staff and extending it to about the size of a chopstick. He grabbed up the helmet which he probably should have been wearing, and started scraping bits of squirrel into it. "Hey! Yow! Watch it! Gah!" "I think I got most of it in one place now, you better do your thing before anyone comes over to find out what went..." Jack stopped as the assorted squirrel parts magically reformed into a medium-sized monkey, which jumped out of the helmet and started reaching around in the hole itself. Louie pulled out an ear and held it up to his head, reattaching it. "Ya missed a part. Damn, now I gotta rebuild that body before I can use it again." * * * * "Frankly, I'm amazed you survived," John Upton remarked. Everyone had gone back to the instrument tent to sort things out. "Where did you learn to operate jet fighter controls?" Jack shrugged. "I'm a stunt man, I had a few crash courses in driving things, I figured out the controls as I went. And I'm really sorry if I messed things up...." Upton shook his head. "Nonsense. Not only did you save the car from those remote-controlled jets...competition must be getting desperate...but you actually turned in a higher speed than our first run. Going to have to get a ruling on this, but we're pretty sure your run will count for the records. Congratulations, you're the fastest man on land, superguys aside, of course!" he patted Jack on the back. Jack grinned wanly, feeling somewhat guilty. "Oh, and don't worry if it does get disallowed. We'll have the minor damage to the car fixed by tomorrow if we need to try it again, something we could never have done if the car had been blown to smithereens." Jack nodded slowly. "Mr. Upton...." "Call me John." "Er, John, the reason I came out here in the first place is that my employer wishes to buy a piece of art you own, the Fourth Brother." Upton smirked. "Ah yes, that thing. When I was younger, and still thought immortality might be worth having, I actually made a serious effort to assemble all five Brothers to see if the legends were true. After all, crazier things have happened in this world, right? Only got as far as two of them, though, and one was stolen years ago. I suppose I could part with the one I have left, I'd have to talk to some of my assistants to see what a fair price would be these days, though." Jack nodded, his eyes lighting up at the mention of another Brother. "Which one was stolen? And do you know where it might be?" Upton laughed heartily. "If I knew where my Second Brother was, you'd think I'd have it back by now, yes? Ironically, I *do* know, although I can't prove it in a court of law. It was sold to one of that unpleasant breed of collectors, a man who acquires stolen artworks and then keeps them hidden from everyone. He can't display them without being caught for owning stolen property, he can't even sell them without risking exposure, so once he's bored with a piece, it goes into a vault where no one can ever see it again. A shame, really. In this case, it's a vile little man named Harold Coe Bean. I was able to get as far as finding out that he kept his stolen treasures at a villa in the Carribean, but by that point I sort of lost interest in both art and immortality, and I never went as far as to try and steal the thing back." Upton took a sip of his water bottle and thought for a moment. "Is it correct to assume your employer's trying to assemble all five Brothers?" Jack nodded his head. "Fine, let's do it this way. If you can recover my property from Bean, I'll pay you a finder's fee, and then sell both the Second and Fourth Brothers to your boss. Sound good?" Jack wasn't sure he liked the idea of stealing, even from a thief, but it would advance his quest for the Five Brothers, and wouldn't *really* be theft. It would be more like how a Repo Man repossessed a car that payments were late on...getting property back for its owner. Still, it *felt* like theft. After a moment's thought, he reluctantly nodded. "Sounds good," he replied with enthusiasm he didn't quite feel. * * * * "Ah, nuttin' like a warm tropical breeze ta make ya ferget yer gonna get minced again before th' end of th' day," Louie sighed as the gentle breeze ruffled his newly-reconstructed tail. "Good ta be outta that pet carrier." Jack looked at the magical squirrel with an odd expression. "Weren't you just complaining about how hot the desert was yesterday? It's not any cooler here!" "Jack, Jack, Jack..." Louie chided. "There's a big diff between desert hot and tropical hot. People pay big money ta come down here, they don't pay big money ta go ta the middle a' nowhere in th' desert. Cheap heat bites, expensive heat is great." "Ooooookay. I'll take your word for it. Anyway, let's go rent a car so we can go check out Bean's place." Louie nodded, then climbed up on top of Jack's head to bask in the sun. A short walk later, Jack stepped up to the rental counter and pulled out his corporate credit card. "How may I...sir, do you know you have a squirrel on your head?" the rental clerk asked. "Yes," Jack replied, eliciting a relieved sigh from the clerk, who had been expecting a reply of the "No, but hum a few bars" variety. "I'll need a fast car, reasonably nondescript, and some local maps." "Ah, that would be out Covert Action special, $109.95 a day, with full insurance and no deductible." He paused as he looked at the creditcard's endorsing bank (First Bank of Hell(TM)), then continued, "I take it you'll want the St. Christopher's medallion removed from the dashboard first?" "Who's St. Christopher?" Jack replied, somewhat confused. Then realization dawned, "Oh, the card. No, don't bother, whoever the guy is." "Very well. Sign here and here...and here...and over there. Good. Here's the keys, it's the nondescript late-model Mitsubishi with possibly illegal modifications to the engine in space H-22." "Er, thanks." Jack started to walk out, then turned around, "You get a lot of agents for quasi-legal organizations here?" The clerk shrugged. "No more than any other exotic locale, although this *is* our busy season." "Right," Jack nodded, heading for the lot. * * * * The nondescript Mitsubishi pulled to a stop at the side of a winding road outside a walled villa. The occasional tree dotted the landscape, which had once been clear-cut for sugar cane farming and later converted to residential land when the island's economy shifted away from what they could make and towards who they could attract. Jack stepped out of the car and pulled the backpack full of Nifty Spy Gear out of the car's trunk, silently impressed with the rental agency's thoroughness. With Louie on his shoulder, he walked up to the wall and looked it over by the light of the half-moon in the night sky. "Not too bad. I could practically run up the side with a bounce off that tree there," he mused, walking towards a tree growing close to the wall. "Wait a sec, Jack, lemme check it out foist," Louie warned, jumping from Jack's shoulder and scurrying up the tree. "Just what I thought, it's wired," Louie squeaked from a branch. "Anythin' much heavier'n me, and it trips an alarm. Hmmm, looks like gas nozzles, too...it's a trap." "Few men protect their property more jealously than those who stole it in the first place," Jack nodded. "See anything on the ground on the other side?" "Nah, but the wall's pretty far around, probably can't afford ta wire th' whole perimeter. If dis guy's worried about guys who kin fly, he's prolly got stuff inside fer dat." Jack nodded and took out his magical iron staff, commanding it to extend to the size and shape of a vaulting pole. "Just to be on the safe side, I'll try to land farther from the wall than a normal jump could manage." Taking a running start, Jack vaulted over the wall, the staff lengthening as he rose, taking him high into the cool night air before shrinking back into his hand. Jack fell to the ground with a sickening crack, and rolled over onto his side, clutching one leg between his hands. Louie scampered up. "You okay?" "Leg broken...just a second." Jack grimaced in pain as he felt the bones knit back together and the torn muscle grow around them. After a moment, he stood and tested his leg. "Still hurts some, but it should hold." "Don't ya heal all th' way?" Louie asked. "Well, the more life-threatening the injury, the quicker it's fixed. Soreness and little stuff takes almost as long to go away as it does for everyone else. Anyway, let's go." * * * * After a few minutes of rather boring and routine events which don't really bear detailing save for the fact that they got him inside the villa, Jack crept down well-lit hallways, hoping there wasn't a party or something going on. The villa's decor was cleverly designed to give few hiding places, and if there were too many people around, it would be impossible to avoid detection. Fortunately, things seemed fairly quiet. In fact, Jack suspected that the halls were only lit because no one was trying to sleep in the rooms on either side. Just as he was about to turn a corner and head down a side hall, Jack noticed a keypad on the wall. "Some sort of security," Jack whispered to Louie, who was hiding in the backpack full of Nifty Spy Stuff. "Anything in there for finding sensor stuff?" "Sensor stuff?" Louie muttered. "Buddha save me from amateurs...yeah, here's some IR goggles, see if dere's any beams." Jack grabbed the goggles that seemed to be edging out of the pack by themselves, and put them on. The hallway was crisscrossed with a blinding array of laser beams. "Lots. Not just the floor, but the walls, ceiling and even the middle of the hall, although not as heavy down the center," Jack answered. "I'd say dis is da anti-flying thing, den." Jack pulled out his staff and started eyeing the beams. "I think I can find a straight shot to the other side. I'll extend my staff and you run across it, see if there's a switch at the end of the hall." "You think you kin hold it steady enough?" Louie asked skeptically, climbing out onto Jack's shoulder. "My father once made me hold a full stone jug of water at arm's length while standing on a wooden sphere for a whole day without spilling a drop. I think I can manage." "Gotcha. Ready when you are, C.G." Jack held his staff up to the array of beams, easing it into a space between lasers. Then he commanded it to slowly lengthen until it reached the end of the corridor. [You know, the imagery's just getting a *leetle* too Freudian, don'tcha think? - Ed.] [Oh, be quiet. - Dave] "Go," Jack whispered, holding himself rock steady. "Top...bottom... left side...top...right...left...top...and out," he hissed, guiding Louie through the invisible maze of beams which came uncomfortably close to Louie's metal path on all sides. Jack heard Louie scrambling up the wall out of sight around the corner, and then the beams shut off. He was about to walk forward when he was stopped by an almost inaudible "Wait!" from Louie. Less than a second later, the beams kicked back in. "Another trap?" Jack asked. "Another trap," Louie confirmed. "It only shuts off fer a second 'r so. Not enough time ta run down th' hall." "But enough time for the Angry Hedgehog Leap," Jack called back down the hall. "Hit the button again...NOW!" The moment the beams disappeared, Jack leapt into the air, curled into a ball and spun rapidly. His arc was almost flat as he zipped through the air like a large basketball. Louie seemed to be saying something, but Jack needed his full concentration to keep moving, hopefully it wasn't anything important. The lasers snapped back online right as he emerged from the hallway and uncurled to a standing position. "I said, we got company!" Louie squeaked as Jack turned to face a surprised-looking figure in the hallway. "What are YOU doing here?!?" Jack and Ben Sidhe asked each other simultaneously.... ============================================================================ Author's Notes: The reason Jack's driving a Mitsubishi is that Jackie Chan has close ties to that company in real life, so he ends up driving their cars whenever feasible in his recent movies. In Thunderbolt, he even races on their stock car team, and in Twin Dragons the final fight takes place in a Mitsubishi product testing lab.