Dave's Mid-Ohio Con Natterings:

     Well, another Mid-Ohio Con has come and gone, possibly my last (I hope
to get my PhD within the next 6 months and will probably have a job in
another part of the country by this time next year).  I didn't go to any of
the "press release" panels, so I don't really know anything about Gorilla or
the new Image stuff or whatnot.  Most of the people I ran into who know me
online were happy to see me, although I did get a few "Oh, so YOU'RE that
guy" responses.  That's me, the bane of thousandths.  }->
     Anyway, I did go to the first of two Harlan Ellison panels, plus
Comicbook Squares, which also had Ellison (and a kamikaze Lobdell).  Some
interesting stuff happened there, so I figured I'd type it all up in one post
rather than continue telling the anecdotes over and over.  Keep in mind,
there's no way I can do this material half the justice it deserves in text,
or even in person.  Filter all descriptions through the assumption that just
about everything Harlan Ellison does is far more funny than it is spiteful or
mean.  Even when he's being very spiteful, he's even more hilarious.  I issue
this warning, because some of the anecdotes may otherwise come across as
Ellison being a petty jerk, when he wasn't.

Saturday: Ellison panel

     This was, naturally, jam-packed.  Ellison ended up spending the first
couple of minutes of his time ushering people in and having them sit up on
the "stage" in the panelist chairs, or on the floor around him, etc.  He
didn't plan to sit anyway, eh?
     After a few short questions and answers, one fan asked him to tell the
story of how he dealt with a guy who was stalking Colleen Doran.  It was
basically a 5 minute story...with 45 minutes of digressions and backstory.
Amazingly, he kept everything straight.  And, of course, the digressions were
also worth hearing.  Near the beginning he also gave a disclaimer, that
anyone of tender disposition should get out.  He swears like a drill
sergeant, and minces no words (although he minces some listeners).  There
were a couple kids in the audience, but their parents weren't bothered, and
it seemed from the expression on the kids' faces during the session (one was
right next to me) that they were Not Impressed and had heard far worse at
school.  Ellison did admit to considering one word to be obscene and beyond
the pale: Nixon.
     Warning #1: NEVER use the word "like" around Harlan Ellison in the
context of "Like, we did this and, then, like...."  Drives him nuts.
     In no particular order, here's some of the anecdotes and fragments.  Do
not consider this to be an exhaustive treatment...more of a list of things
you might want to ask him to relate if you ever see him in person.
     
     Harlan went to Ohio State, where I am now.  He also got kicked out,
something that used to be a lot harder than it is now.
     He would write term papers for money.  This did not get him kicked out.
     He stole records from stores along High Street and got arrested at least
once.  This did not get him kicked out.
     After joining a fraternity (on his mother's suggestion), he, ah, reacted
negatively to the typical treatment of pledges.  In the middle of the night,
one of the higher-ups in the frat dragged him from his bed on the third floor
to go out and clean a dumpster.  They scuffled on the fire escape, and Harlan
ended up grabbing the dip by his fraternity tie and throwing him off the fire
escape and onto a shed, which obligingly flattened.  He got kicked out of the
frat, but not the University for that.
     After a date with his dream girl that didn't go as well as he'd have
liked, he drove his mother's car up the Long Walk (a stretch of sidewalk
bisecting the main campus) and into a big statue in front of the library.  A
security guard chased after him, but was in rotten shape and had a heart
attack (he lived, tho).  This did not get him kicked out.
     While in a rather small Creative Writing class, Ellison finally cornered
his instructor and managed to get an honest critique of his writing (as
opposed to a perfunctory A for Awake grade).  The prof essentially told him
that no one would ever buy his stuff.  If someone did buy it, no one would
read it.  If someone read it, they wouldn't like it.  In short, Ellison
should consider any other career besides writing.  Ellison dropped him with
one punch to the jaw.  THAT got him kicked out.  However, in the years that
followed, he sent that prof a copy of everything he wrote.  }->
     Years later, apparently not knowing exactly who they were hiring, OSU
invited Ellison to come talk at Mershon Auditorium on campus, for $10,000,
twice his usual fee at the time.  He spent the first hour and a half
haranguing the university, issuing blistering invective and so forth.  Then,
"it was as if a dove flew out of my mouth," and all his hostility towards the
school was dissipated.  He then gave another hour and a half of his usual
sort of talk.  Afterwards, the guys who arranged the talk didn't want to pay
him.  "We didn't bring you here to badmouth the university."  "Where DO you
bring people to do that?"  At the time, Ellison was hooked up with the lead
investigative reporter for the Columbus Dispatch, a fact he pointed out to
the university officials.  He also pointed out that he'd take GREAT pleasure
in not being paid, and then having the story all over the newspaper.  He was
paid very quickly, and after that made it a policy to always get paid in
advance.  

     Recently, Harlan Ellison had a quadruple bypass, which is about as much
bypassing as you can get, since there's only four openings to the heart
(although you can bypass more than once on an opening, IIRC).  He described
this procedure in loving detail, details which I will spare you.  I mention
it now, because it becomes relevant later.

     The story of how Ellison got rid of Doran's stalker is pretty simple,
the fun is in the telling.  Ellison is a very good voice talent, with a great
ear for accents and language use.  Suffice to say, he called up the stalker
and did a very convincing imitation of a Very Bad Man.  For more than that,
you really want to hear the story in person.

     Back in the late 70s, a woman involved in producing TV specials for one
of the networks called Ellison up, laughing so hard she couldn't contain
herself.  She hung up, took a few minutes to compose herself, then called
back to tell the story she meant to tell the first time.  One of the other
people in the building had popped into her office with what he claimed was
the greatest idea of the year, something that would win the November sweeps
for them.
     "We do 'The Wiz' *white*!"
     If you don't get why that's funny, then you're part of the population
that Ellison was bemoaning.  He told this story to a college audience of
hundreds, and no one got it.  Another similar audience completely missed a
reference to Dachau.  His point being, those who forget the past are REALLY
hard to write stories for.  No common cultural referents.

     Warning #2: If you don't get a reference Ellison makes, ASK.  While he
dislikes ignorance, he hates willful ignorance.  Asking is a sign that you
don't want to be ignorant.  And heck, you'll probably get another good story
out of the explanation.

Sunday: Comicbook Squares

     The roll of film I used during this panel will probably not get
developed until July unless something pictureworthy happens to me sooner than
that.  But here's who did what:
     Joe Edkin - Emcee, as usual.
     Johanna Draper Carlson - The Lovely Assistant.
     Mark Waid - Lying sack of...um, Square One.
     K.C. Carlson - Square Two.
     Kurt Busiek - Very hungry Square Three.  We'll get back to him.
     Paul Storrie - Jm J. Bullock, Square Four.
     Roger Stern - The Center Square.
     Paul Jenkins - Square Six.
     Scott Lobdell - Also Square Six, and general gadfly.  With a deathwish.
     Tony Isabella - Square Seven.
     Bob Ingersoll - Square Eight, despite protests.  [Clarification: Either
Bob or Tony complained jokingly about having to sit next to the other, I
forget which.]
     Harlan and Susan Ellison - Square Nine.

     Lobdell was generally the rowdiest of the panelists, and given how often
he "zinged" Ellison, he's either convinced of his immortality or has a death
wish.  He also did a very good imitation of his squaremate's accent.
     One of the questions was "This Mid-Ohio Con guest used to work as a
lounge singer."  The answer was Mark Waid, which prompted Lobdell to lead the
crowd in chanting, "Sing!  Sing!  Sing!"  Eventually Waid sang a few bars of
a schmaltzy lounge standard.  Ellison admitted to being a jazz bar singer at
one time, and when he was next picked, Lobdell started the chant again.  We
were favored with a few bars of pretty good jazz singing as a result.  Then
we tried to get a few others to sing, culminating in Roger Stern being
greeted with chants of "Don't sing!  Don't sing!"
     Someone had given Busiek a little walking gorilla obtained from the
Mr. Bulky's in the downtown mall.  It roamed around the table all through the
panel.

     But the Fun Thing of the panel involved Kurt Busiek's lunch.  During
lunch break, he'd gotten some McDonald's food, which he inexplicably LIKES.
However, someone spilled soda on it, soaking it and making it (more)
inedible.  So he sent someone to bring him back another order.  However, the
downtown McD's was closed, so about halfway through the event, someone
brought him a burger, fries and soda from Wendy's.
     "You're going to eat that cold [stuff]?" Harlan inquired incredulously.
He stood up and grabbed the burger and fries away, while Kurt clutched his
soda defensively (he doesn't like Wendy's, or he would have defended his food
a little more strenously).  Harlan pointed out that he wasn't going to let
Kurt do that to his body, then told the audience his story about the
quadruple bypass.  He handed the food to a staffer with instructions to keep
it away from Kurt.  Eventually, things calmed down, and the contestants were
ALMOST able to pick a square...when the staffer sneaked the food back up to
Kurt.  
     Ellison, needless to say, went ballistic, grabbing it away again.  A few
fries came loose, and Kurt triumphantly ate them.  For a moment, I was
worried that Ellison might toss the food into the audience to keep it away
from Busiek.  He threatened to show everyone his scars from the operation (a
big "crack open the ribcage" scar on his chest, and a long one on his leg
where a vein was removed for raw material).  Lobdell starts chanting, "Scar!
Scar!  Scar!"  So Ellison lifts up his shirt and shows Lobdell his chest
scar.  (Meanwhile, he's sent his wife, Susan, to dispose of the junkfood and
get Kurt some fruit.)  Lobdell lifts HIS shirt and reveals his own scar,
which the audience can see.  Thankfully, Lobdell is in decent shape, so no
one lost their lunch over this.  Then Ellison put his leg up on the table and
showed off his other scar.  I think Stern was the first to get the Jaws crack
out at this point.
     Ellison then accused everyone up on the stage (himself included) of
being couch potatoes, who could all look forward to sharing his fate.  Then
Stern stood up and flexed the non-existant muscles on his skinny frame, to
the applause of the crowd and the grudging acknowledgement of Ellison.
     Finally, things more or less calmed down, Susan returned with an apple,
and Waid collected his wits enough to ask, "You mean, it would have been
healthier HOT?"

     Warning #3: If you are overweight, do not eat junk food in the presence
of Harlan Ellison.  }->

Sunday: Later....

     Finally, around 2:30, long after Comicbook Squares was over, I was
roaming through the creator rooms (three small conference rooms along a
corridor) saying my final goodbyes to everyone, when the fire alarm went
off.  And not just a loud warning tone and flashing lights, NOOOOO.  The
doors suddenly all swung shut on their own (to act as safety fire doors, they
didn't lock) and a recorded voice started issuing evacuation instructions.
And since I could smell smoke, I took this seriously.
     As I headed for the stairs, I could see exhibitors with panicked
expressions on their faces...leave and risk getting ripped off, or stay and
die with the stock?  By the time I got to the lobby, however, security was
waving us back in, it was just smoke from a grill in the restaurant which
needed cleaning.

     Dave Van Domelen, now to watch his newly-acquired copy of Gamera III....