How To Be Hackish

How to be Hackish

Some background: A local radio station, WLVQ-FM, ran (perhaps still runs?) a series on the wacky morning drive-in show called Mr. Manly, wherein a character indescribably beyond the realm of Macho Asshole dispenses advice on how to handle daily situations (if it were on r.h.f. it would be labelled "Offense=all"). A friend applied this notion to the concept of hackers...
FROM:    CSI:KATHY
TO:      Brian Chevrier, 70003,4110
DATE:    10/12/90 at 10:59

SUBJECT: OTG & TLL present ... Mr. Hackish!



And now it's time for another edition of "How To Be Hackish", 
Today, lesson number 3A1

You have let it be known, in a hackish manner, that you are in the market for
a second home personal computer. This one will coordinate your home VCR
library of Simpsons episodes and directory of Chinese carryout restaurants,
leaving your 486 free for more hackish pursuits, such as rewriting the entire
operating system so that it will run several microseconds faster. 

A new programmer stops by your office. Having seen the ad, he offers to sell
you his son's PC, a Commodore 64, equipped with that most un-hackish of
languages: COBOL.

What can you say to him in a hackish manner to let him know of your disgust?
Follow along in your Hackish Handbook, page 12BF, and repeat after me ...

Number 1 ... If I want to fool around with something that slow, I'd date your
	     little sister.

Number 2 ... Hey, hey, hey, I bet that machine is almost as fast as your
	     wife's vibrator.

Number 3 ... I'm sure your son *DID* like it, but then I'm not a COBOL-puking,
	     Pac-Man-playing, cassette-driven, joystick-sucking, UNIX-fearing
	     flip boy, now am I? 

Use any of the above phrases in just such a situation, and as you explain to
the surgeons exactly how a CRT ended up where it did, you can rest assured that
the new programmer has no doubts as to what kind of hacker you really are.

Until next time, this is Mr. Hackish saying "Be hackish, and good day."


Date: 18 Oct 90 10:05:15 EDT
From: KATHY@CSI.CompuServe.COM
Subject: How to be Hackish II

[Cue up theme music from "Sudden Impact" ...]

And now it's time for another edition of "How To Be Hackish", 
Today, lesson number D1:

You and some fellow co-workers decide to go out for a truly hackish lunch -
spicy Chinese food. One of the newer co-workers mentions that not only does he
not like Chinese food in general, but he especially does not like spicy
Chinese food. He then proposes a different site for lunch: Chez Snoot, a new
restaurant specializing in that most un-hackish of cuisines - French.  You
decide to go along anyway in the hopes that something new, yet acceptably
scalding can be found. 

You ignore the menu and instruct your pretentious flip-boy waiter that you
want a lunch that is truly spicy - preferably with near-fatal dosages of black
peppers, szechwuan sauce and/or garlic. Needless to say, your lunch has none
of these hackish qualities. 

What can you say to your waiter in a hackish manner to let him know your
opinion of the meal?

Follow along in your Hackish Handbook, page F1, and repeat after me ...

Number 1 ... Gee, I bet you think this dish is spicy the same way that Jerry
	     Lewis is funny. 

Number 2 ... Now that your cat has hacked this up, I presume he's feeling
	     much better now.

Number 3 ... Thank goodness for the small portion. I hate to think how much a
	     REAL helping would repeat on me.

Use any of the above phrases in just such a situation, and as you remove a
snail fork from a most embarassing location, you can rest assured that the
waiter has no doubts as to what kind of hacker you really are.

Until next time, this is Mr. Hackish saying "Be hackish, and good day."


Date: 13 Nov 90 10:50:10 EST
From: KATHY@CSI.CompuServe.COM
Subject: How to be Hackish III

[Cue up theme music from "Sudden Impact" ...]

And now it's time for another edition of "How To Be Hackish", 
Today, lesson number 156F7:

You have been selected to give a lecture at a local school about the computer
industry. Realizing what a great learning opportunity this is, you decide on a
most hackish lecture: writing a new, full ANSI-compatible, I/O package for C.

After a mesmerizing four-hour speech, you decide to take questions. The lone 
conscious third-grader remarks that his goal is to work in ... dare I say it
... MARKETING, that most un-hackish of professions.

What can you say to this child in a hackish manner to let him know of the
collosal mistake he is making?

Follow along in your Hackish Handbook, page E1, and repeat after me ...

Number 1 ... Marketing? A nice profession. So, do you want to run the cash
	     register or stock the shelves?

Number 2 ... Gee, if I had known we had some potential Marketing types here, I
             would tackled a simpler topic, like turning on your PC.

Number 3 ... Hey, hey, hey. If you really want to learn how to sell something,
	     why not sell me your big sister?

Use any of the above phrases in just such a situation, and as your attorney
reminds you that it's your word against the third grader's, you can rest
assured that the child has no doubts as to what kind of hacker you really are.

Until next time, this is Mr. Hackish saying "Be hackish, and good day."


Date: 14 Nov 90 17:25:41 EST
From: OTG@CSI.CompuServe.COM
Subject: How to be Hackish, lesson #4

[Cue up theme music from "Sudden Impact" ...]

And now it's time for another edition of "How To Be Hackish", 
Today, I have a letter from one of our readers. He writes:

Dear Mr. Hackish,

Our KL10 is suffering the ignominious fate of being replaced by a pair
of DECsystem 5500's running that most un-hackish of operating systems,
Ultrix (a vain attempt to recreate Unix by reassigning VMS weenies).
With the KL goes our last remaining version of TECO.  What should I
do?  How will I edit assembler?  How will I re-implement my
voice-recognition PUP-based networked Coke machine interface?  How
will I send mail?

What is the proper hackish way to deal with this decision by a bunch
of ex-insurance-company-accounting-reports-in-Cobol lusers?

	Yours truly,
	Distraught

Hmmm. An interesting problem. TECO? TECO? Yes, I remember it now. Isn't that
the editor whose command set that was apparently designed by a mutant, inbred,
mumbling, incontinent, non-English speaking immigrant with a broken keyboard?
I remember one particularly enlightening evening with TECO. I was editing the
source code for my PC's operating system, when by pure accident, I typed in
the first scene to the "Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy" on the command line,
and the resulting file was an ASCII drawing of a Commodore 64 with the legend:

	      "Wonevir det Tessacah Tiwerod om Mocae sub Muccus"

		     ... which spelled backwards reads ...

	     "Succumb - Use a Commodore with a cassette drive now"

I correctly interpreted this as a sign of Satan, and did the only hackish
thing possible - I wrote my own custom editor, whose commands are so obscure
that a Dvorak keyboard modified to handle Cyrillic and Roman characters is
required. If you wish to do the same thing, here is my method:

1. Pick up half-a-dozen orders of General Tso's chicken, with extra hot pepper
   oil (I ordered mine from Yoo-Tong Beesinj'd Soon, my local Chinese, Thai,
   and Indian carryout), a pound bag of M&Ms and a case of that most hackish
   beverage, Jolt. 

2. At your PC, consume the above in one hour while watching your Hitchhiker's
   Guide video tapes at top volume (preferably amplified) in visual search
   mode. (Tapes of The Simpsons or Dr. Who will also provide the desired
   effect, but the resulting hallucinations will sound slightly different.)

3. If you have achieved the proper state, you will have the following
   revelations: Your keyboard is melting, Marvin the Paranoid Android is God
   and has the papers to prove it, and that He wrote the Universe in COBOL,
   which explains all kinds of things.

4. When in this state, the incessant nervous twitching of your fingers will
   create the editor I described, which is of course called mflGrMp.
   
5. You may find that this new editor operates a more hackish voice-driven
   combination mail and Jolt delivery system that can write its OWN assembler.

6. You may also find that mflGrMp works best in the mental state described
   above, so you may need to repeat steps 1 and 2 occasionally. 

The unhackish types that made the decision will also bother you a lot less
often. You see, this is strictly a participatory activity. The odd bits of
flying plastic plus the rather odd aroma and screeching 120 dB whine tends to
lead most people to believe that you are some kind of mutant, bad-smelling
extra-terrestrial whose very presence drives others to run away at top speed.
However, this may not be new. 

Until next time, this is Mr. Hackish saying "Be hackish, and good day."

Date: 26 Nov 90 16:52:58 EST
From: OTG@CSI.CompuServe.COM
Subject: How to be hackish #5

[Cue up theme music from "Sudden Impact" ...]

And now it's time for another edition of "How To Be Hackish", 
Today, lesson number 3D:

You are at work on an unsual day. You have been asked to accompany a marketing
team to a customer site, probably so that someone who actually understands the
product will be present. Immediately sensing just how important this meeting
is, you take extra care when getting dressed. You finally decide on blue
jeans, tennis shoes and a T-shirt of Bart Simpson, sitting in front of a PC,
saying "I'm Bart Simpson, who the hack are you?"  On the way over, you notice
that the marketing team, dressed in the usual attire (i.e. blue suit pants,
white shirt, suspenders and yellow power tie), are eyeing your most hackish
attire with disdain. One decides to let you know that he feels your choice of
clothing is "inappropriate" for this meeting. 

Ahhhhhh. What a perfect opportunity to exude hackishness. What can you say to
them in a hackish manner to set this fashionless cretin straight?  
Follow along in your Hackish Handbook, page B4, and repeat after me ...

Number 1 ... Boy, I didn't know that you wanted the customer to distrust me
	     too. 

Number 2 ... Hey, hey, hey. Based on the way you'll treat me today, I should
  	     wear lots of leather and spike heels and you should be wearing a
	     fuzzy purple hat and platform shoes, just like in the movies. 
	     
Number 3 ... Gee, I wonder if wearing suspenders is a signal, you know, like
	     the ear in which you wear an earring?

Use any of the above phrases in just such a situation, and as you learn first
hand what a inch-thick marketing study tastes like, you can rest assured that
the marketing type has no doubts as to what kind of hacker you really are.

Until next time, this is Mr. Hackish saying "Be hackish, and good day."

Date: 05 Dec 90 11:53:46 EST
From: OTG@CSI.CompuServe.COM
Subject: A morality play ...

    Joe Programmer is working away in his office on a new terminal package. In
to his office comes Tiffanee Z. Marketing-Scum. Ms. Marketing-Scum speaks: 

    Tiffanee: "Joe, how's the work coming?"

    Joe: "I'm just in my final testing phase. Should be done next week."

    Tiffanee: "That's great Joe. By the way, I need you to add a new feature to
the project." 

    Joe: "What do you need?"

    Tiffanee: "Well, we've talked to the customer, and they want the entire
user interface changed. By the way, we still need the finished product next
week." 

    Joe: "NEXT WEEK?! I can't add all that and still make the date!"

    Tiffanee: "Hey, that's what we need, and that's what you'll do."

    Joe: "Oh well. I guess I can kiss off those front row McCartney tickets."



    Mr. Hackish: "Hey, Joe ..."

    Joe, Tiffanee: "IT'S MR. HACKISH!"

    Mr. Hackish: "Yes. Good thing I was hiding in your CD player. Joe, you
started off so well, but then you caved in to the demands of someone named
after a style of lamp. What do you think she's thinking now?"

    Joe: "She has doubts as to what kind of hacker I really am?"

    Mr. Hackish: "Exactly. Do you have your hackish handbook?"

    Joe: "Umm, Yeah. (flip, flip) Let me see ... ah, here's the entry."

    Joe: "Gee, I hate to tell you how to do your job, even though a no-op
would suffice, but if you keep talking to the customer we'll start building
products that please the customer, rather than the suspender-clad, rubber-
backed, hype-puking, technical-discussion-fearing, three-martini-lunching
little flip boys that tell you what to shove down our throats."

    Tiffanee: "My my, I know what kind of hacker you really are, an unemployed
one. Right, boss?"

    

    Brent: "Right-o Tiff. Let's do the lunch thing."

    Tiffanee: "How swell. Gee, Brent, you look SO handsome today ..."

    

    Joe: "Mr. Hackish! I'm out of a job? Can you help me?"

    Mr. Hackish: "Well, Joe, I care, really. But not enough to actually do
anything. Be hackish, and good day." 

Date: 13 Dec 90 14:49:40 EST
From: OTG@CSI.CompuServe.COM
Subject: How To Be Hackish #7

[Cue up theme music from "Sudden Impact" ...]

And now it's time for another edition of "How To Be Hackish", 
Today, I have another letter from one of our readers. He writes:

Dear Mr. Hackish,

	As I sat in my office the other evening repartitioning my hard disk
for a more effective use of my machine's capabilities, a strange sound filled
the air.  As I listened it because clear to me that someone in my hallway was
listening to New Age music.  I went down to confront him in a most Hackish
manner (as detailed on pages 456-459 of the Hackish Handbook complete with
the foldout diagram of exactly how to extract the radio later) and was stunned
to find out that not only was this music on but that he was eating that most
un-hackish of foods: a salad.  Needless to say I was too stunned to speak,
but later I looked in the Handbook and the supplements, watched the video
checked the audio tapes and scanned all the newsletters and found no mention
of hackish responses for this situation.  I assumed that this must be such
an odd situation that it would only be covered in the CD ROM edition of the
handbook, but I've searched all 10 disks to no avail.  Either I've failed in
my quest to look this up, or you've missed a scenario.  I and all your other
geek-faithful want an answer now!

			Sincerely,

			Doug Bittwiddler
			No Tie, White Socks, T-Shirt, Green Slacks, No Bath

Gee, Doug, thanks for the letter. First, I assume that this person is a
programmer. Why? Because a truly hackish hacker would never tolerate the
presence of marketing scum on the same floor, let alone the same hallway. To
your question you're right: this is a new problem. However, it can be dealt
with in a most hackish manner.

The following is an addendum to the Hackish Handbook. Please follow along and
repeat after me ...

Number 1 ... Gee, nice music. Can I get an elevator in my office too?

Number 2 ... Oh boy, a salad without pizza. That must be like beer without
	     alcohol, caffiene-free Coke, or kissing your sister. You know,
	     close but not quite. 

Number 3 ... Ladies and gentelemen, in this room we have the Late '80s Yuppie,
	     Prentensia Snootius. Fascinating, isn't he. Look how he pretends
	     to enjoy that mindless, yet trendy, aural wallpaper, and even
	     thinks of it as "music". Note that Pretensia Snootius does not
	     eat real food, he grazes on plants like most lower animals.
	     Please, no flash pictures as they are easily hypnotized by 
	     bright lights.

Use any of the above phrases in just such a situation, and as you consult your
Hackish Handbook's appendix on "appliance removal", you can rest assured that
this programmer has no doubts as to what kind of hacker you really are.

Until next time, this is Mr. Hackish saying "Be hackish, and good day."

Date: 14 Dec 90 14:08:36 EST
From: OTG@CSI.CompuServe.COM
Subject: How To Be Hackish #8

[Cue up theme music from "Sudden Impact" ...]

And now it's time for another edition of "How To Be Hackish", 
Today, lesson number 31F:

You are attending a meeting organized by your company's Human Resources
department. Despite the hosts, you decide to attend anyway, as these sorts of
meetings usually provide a most hackish complementary breakfast of cola and
donuts. As you finish your sixth cruller and third Coke Classic, the meeting
leader enters and begins.

You relax. You've had a solid caffeine and sugar fix and you don't have to
worry about real work for several hours. All that's left to do is sit back and
listen to whatever nonsense this meeting was about anyway. How bad could this
meeting be?

As a kickoff to the meeting, the perky, suspender-clad human happy face button
decides that everyone should stand up and tell a little about themselves.

You want to let this human mannequin know of your disgust. But what can you
say to him in a hackish manner? Follow along in your Hackish Handbook, page
C9, and repeat after me ... 

Number 1 ... Sorry, pal. You don't have high enough security clearance to even
             know my initials.

Number 2 ... Well, I'm a simple person who's always lived by three credos:
	     "Hell is a series of endless meetings", "Death before COBOL", and
	     "People who smile too much should suffer endlessly."

Number 3 ... Let's make a deal. You don't bug me, and I won't tell the class
             about that incident with you, the sumo wrestler, the bucket of
	     cream cheese, and the rabid schnauzer.

Use any of the above phrases in just such a situation, and as you find that
the company records fail to show you ever worked there, you can rest assured
that Human Resources has no doubts as to what kind of hacker you really are. 

Until next time, this is Mr. Hackish saying "Be hackish, and good day."

Date: 07 Jan 91 16:59:09 EST
From: OTG@CSI.CompuServe.COM
Subject: How to be Hackish #9

[Cue up theme music from "Sudden Impact" ...]

And now it's time for another edition of "How To Be Hackish", 
Today, I have another letter from one of our readers. He writes:

Dear Mr. Hackish,

     After a long evening of making on-chip performance enhancements to my
'486, I find myself wishing to relax with my lady-friend, Fenchurch, while
attempting to watch Brockian Ultra-Cricket.  I find myself lacking any idea
of an appropriate beverage for such an occasion.  What do you suggest?

Thanks for the question, Mr. ... umm ... Mr. Unnamed. I suggest that you're in
desperate need of some company. While I agree that a long evening of 486 work
plus a reread through any of the "Hitchhiker's Guide" series is a truly
hackish way to have fun, I'm a bit worried that you've been taking your copy
of "So Long And Thanks For All The Fish" a wee bit too seriously. Deflate
"Fenchurch", head over to a local watering hole, and introduce yourself to
someone. Anyone. Because you wrote in, let me suggest some appropriate opening
lines. By the way, don't order a "Pan-Galactic Gargle Blaster". Most
bartenders are not hackish enough to have read the Guide, and they will
probably just look at you funny. OK, funnier. Anyway, the lines:

Number 1 ... Hey, babe, I've got 2 Meg on my motherboard. Wanna see?

Number 2 ... No, this isn't a light pen in my pocket. I'm just glad to see
	     you.

Number 3 ... Wanna play with my mouse?

Use any of the above phrases in just such a situation, and as you and your
dream date waltz off together into the sunset, you can rest assured that this
newly paroled and quite lonely transvestite wrestler has no doubts as to what
kind of hacker you really are.  

Until next time, this is Mr. Hackish saying "Be hackish, and good day."

Date: 29 Jan 91 13:13:10 EST
From: OTG@CSI.CompuServe.COM
Subject: How to be Hackish #10

[Cue up theme music from "Sudden Impact" ...]

And now it's time for another edition of "How To Be Hackish", 
Today, lesson number 2D3:

It is career day at the local grade school, and your boss has picked you to
spend the day with one of these little urchins. While you're in the midst of
talking your way out of this dubious honor, your boss tells you that the
child's goal in life is to become a hacker. Sensing a fine opportunity to
impart some most hackish wisdom, you accept the assignment.

At lunch, you decide to treat the child to a most hackish lunch of Hot and
Sour Soup and Kung Po Chicken (with extra black peppers, natch). Between
chugging pitchers of ice water, the child manages to say that he already
considers himself a "hacker" because he's broken into the computer systems of
several companies. He then asks what company's systems you've "hacked" into.

You feel a wave of disgust at this corruption of the term "hacker". What can
you say, in a hackish manner, to let this child know the errors of his ways?
Follow along in your Hackish Handbook, page 90F, and repeat after me ... 

Number 1 ... Let me guess. You broke into the phone system so that your calls
	     to 1-976-DESPERATE would be free.

Number 2 ... Boy howdy, I bet all the guys think you're a real cool dude.
	     So, tell me, is it hard to breathe inside a locker?

Number 3 ... Gee, I've never broken into a system. Why? Because real "hackers"
	     don't break into systems, they figure out ways to stop
	     thumb-sucking, date-fearing, Super-Mario-worshipping,
	     taped-glasses-wearing, rubber-backed flit boys with 300-function
	     calculators on their belts from breaking in.

Use any of the above phrases in just such a situation, and next week, as you
find that your credit rating is now non-existent, you can rest assured that
the child has no doubts as to what kind of hacker you really are.  

Until next time, this is Mr. Hackish saying "Be hackish, and good day."

Date: 05 Feb 91 10:31:45 EST
From: OTG@CSI.CompuServe.COM
Subject: How to be ... (#11)

[Cue up a New Age version of the theme music from "Sudden Impact" ...]

And now it's time for another edition of "How To Be Marketing-like",
Today, lesson number 1:

You have been assigned to coordinate a project that has historically run way
behind schedule. The programmers who have been building the project complain
about your most helpful input, like "do it any way but that way", and
constantly demand delays in the schedule.

To quiet the endless whining of these proles, you finally decide to actually
talk to the future users. As a result, you have called for a complete rewrite
of the user interface, which, of course, should only take one day. However,
the programmers are demanding several weeks to create and review analysis
and design documents, and THEN implement the changes.  

What can you say to these goldbrickers in a marketing-like manner to let them
know these delays are intolerable?

Follow along in your Marketing Manual, page 1, and repeat after me ...

Number 1 ... You want to create some documentation? Sounds good. I've been
	     meaning to re-line my bird cage.

Number 2 ... You mean those charts full of bubbles? Tell you what, make the
	     changes and I'll get you some soap to make REAL BUBBLES with.
	     Won't that be keen? 

Number 3 ... More days? Sure. How about Saturday and Sunday? You couldn't
	     possibly have a life dressed like THAT.

Use any of the above phrases in just such a situation, and as you overhear the
programming staff discussing which cables on your BMW control the brakes,
you can rest assured that they have no doubts as to what kind of marketer you
really are. 

Until next time, this is Mr. Marketing saying "Be marketing-like and be paid".

Date: 23 Jun 91 18:19:20 EDT
From: KATHY@CSI.CompuServe.COM
Subject: Mr. Hackish #122

Let's try it again, since it came through empty before...

	- Kat


Forwarded Message 5829-43232
Subj: It took a while, but ... Episode #12 of "How To Be Hackish"

[Cue up theme music from "Sudden Impact" ...]

And now it's time for another edition of "How To Be Hackish", 
Today, lesson number FF2:

Your hackish new operating system has come up for department review. You
stroll into the meeting, confident that you will have an opportunity to dazzle
your co-workers with a most hackish display of technical rhetoric.

The first issue raised is that your operating system has no corresponding
documentation: no requirements spec, no analysis spec, no design spec, no
user's guide of any kind.

Ahhhhhh. What a perfect opportunity to exert your hackishness. But what can
you say in a hackish manner?

Follow along in your Hackish Handbook, page 7A, and repeat after me ...

Number 1 ... Of course there's documentation - I call it code.

Number 2 ... It's a hacker thing, you wouldn't understand.

Number 3 ... Hey, hey, hey. If I wanted to write something long and boring
	     that will never be read, I'd write your biography.

Use any of the above phrases in just such a situation, and as you learn first
hand what a 5-inch stack of greenbar paper tastes like, you can rest assured
that the reviewer has no doubts as to what kind of hacker you really are.

Until next time, this is Mr. Hackish saying "Be hackish, and good day."

Date: 28 Jun 91 11:03:29 EDT
From: OTG@CSI.CompuServe.COM
Subject: Episode #13 of How To Be Hackish

[Cue up theme music from "Sudden Impact" ...]

And now it's time for another edition of "How To Be Hackish", 
Today, I have another letter from one of our readers. He writes:

Dear Mr. Hackish:

I need your help.  Whenever I enter the building behind a marketing-scum type
person, they insist on asking me if I have my security badge.  While I under-
stand the need for security (heaven forbid someone from marketing know what
I'm working on), I find it very rude for someone of the marketing ilk to 
question my right to enter the building.  Fellow hackers know I belong here,
and, in the same situation, wouldn't have said a word.

What is an appropriate response to such people in this situation?

Sincerely,
Dumbfounded in Dublin

Thanks for the letter, Dumbfounded. There are a number of hackish responses to
just this situation. Follow along in your Hackish Handbook, page 7A, and
repeat after me ... 

Number 1 ... Well, I could explain my job to you as proof, but you wouldn't
	     understand anyway.

Number 2 ... Gee, you must not recognize a hacker standing upright.

Number 3 ... I'm surprised you don't recognize me. Don't you notice the
	     resemblance between me and your oldest son?

Use any of the above phrases in just such a situation, and as you try to free
your hand from the card reader, you can rest assured that the Marketing type
has no doubts as to what kind of hacker you really are. 

Until next time, this is Mr. Hackish saying "Be hackish, and good day."

Date: 22 Aug 91 13:18:51 EDT
From: OTG@CSI.compuserve.com
Subject: How to be Hackish - Episode #14

[Cue up theme music from "Sudden Impact" ...]

And now it's time for another edition of "How To Be Hackish", 
Today, I have a letter from one of our readers. He writes:

Dear Mr. Hackish,

I graduated from a most hackish university with a degree in Software
Engineering. However, when I went to the job market I discovered that not only
did the Marketing positions pay more, but I had a natural aptitude for that
kind of work. Here's the problem: none of my college friends will talk to me
now. They keep searching my forehead for lobotomy scars and my office for
pods. They won't let me order spicy Chinese food, saying it's probably too hot
for me. What would you do in this situation?

Yours in hackishness,
A former hacker.

Hmmm. Good question. What I would do is invite my friends over for a dinner of
extra-spicy General Tso's and a pitcher of Jolt. Over dinner, as I was
finishing my large helping of black peppers from the sauce, I'd discuss the
kind of systems I've building as a hobby, and let them know that I've made
this horrific sacrifice so that someone who understands hackers and
hackishness could infiltrate the ranks of the Marketing scum. That's what I
would do. However, I'm not a two-martini-lunching, money-grubbing,
real-work-fearing, rear-end-kissing, suspender-and-power-tie-wearing,
double-crossing, doorknob-sucking, rubber-backed flit boy. 

Thanks for writing. Until next time, this is Mr. Hackish saying "Be hackish,
and good day." 

Date: 03 Jun 92 17:10:58 EDT
From: OTG@CSI.compuserve.com
Subject: Episode #15 of "How To Be Hackish"

[Cue up theme music from "Sudden Impact" ...]

And now it's time for another edition of "How To Be Hackish", 
Today, lesson number 2B2B2:

You have decided that a break is in order, and have logged in to read some
news. Naturally, you read only the most hackish newsgroups, like comp.unix,
rec.Jolt, and alt.pc.commodore.puke.puke.puke.

You come across a posting describing a seriously ill child named Craig
Shergold who is apparently collecting business cards to get into the Guiness 
Book of World Records. As a truly hackish hacker, you not only know that Craig
is now OK, but they were greeting cards, and the whole idea blew up so bad
that the Guiness Book has stopped keeping track of the record.

Obviously, the poster needs a dose of hackishness, and he needs it soon.
But what can you post in reply in a hackish manner to let him know of his
errors? 

Follow along in your Hackish Handbook, page 11A2B, and repeat after me...

Number 1 ... All right! I just won $50. My friend didn't think anyone dumb
	     enough to believe this message could figure out how to run Pnews,
	     but I knew better.

Number 2 ... Here's an update: Craig is now collecting postings from drooling
	     incompetents. Thanks for adding to the total.

Number 3 ... Welcome to the net, Mr. Vice President.

Use any of the above phrases in just such a situation, and as you find that
the overwhelming influx of "Thank You" messages has shut down your local
mailserver, you can rest assured that the netters have no doubts as to what
kind of hacker you really are. 

Until next time, this is Mr. Hackish saying "Be hackish, and good day."

Back to humor page.
Bryan Dunlap / Physics Dept. / The Ohio State University