Jack yawned and stretched his arms up into the air as he walked along next to the low brick wall that marked the boundary between the sidewalk and the lawns of the new housing development. Once it'd been a huge field he could just cut through on his way to school, but now he had to go around. Which meant getting up a few minutes early. And every minute of sleep is precious when you're in high school. Mairi playfully kicked at his head as she walked along the top of the wall, and Jack was just awake enough to duck out of the way. "Hey!" "Come on, sleepyhead, pick up the pace or we'll be..." she started, then paused and cocked her head, sending her flaming red hair cascading over one puffy shoulder of her school uniform blouse. "That's the first bell! We're already late!" She broke into a run, dashing along the narrow brick wall like it was an open field. "Come ON!" she shouted back at Jack. "W-Wait up! Hold on!" he stammered, clutching his books to his chest and madly racing after her. She reached the corner and jumped off the wall, disappearing from Jack's sight, and he redoubled his efforts. The corner. If he could get around it quickly enough, he'd at least be able to see Mairi and tell if he was catching up. WHAM! Jack went down in a tangle of legs and arms and books, only half of them his own. "I'm sorry, I wasn't watch..." he started to apologize to the young hispanic girl. "I'm sorry, I was distracted by that girl..." his victim started to apologize. Pause. The sudden realization that one of Jack's hands was on one of her breasts. They locked eyes. "PERVERT!" she screamed, disentangling herself enough to start hitting him on the head with a textbook. "Gah! Sorry! Help!" he yelped as he scrambled to his feet, grabbed an assortment of textbooks he hoped were his, and ran like the dickens. A few books and a pencil case sailed past his head before he got out of her throwing range. A few minutes later, Jack had beaten the second bell and was settling into his desk in the back of the room, between Mairi and his squirrely buddy Louie. "What happened to *you*?" Mairi asked as Jack sorted through the books. "I ran into a real high-strung girl...I don't think I made a good impression," Jack sighed. "I think she made a good impression on you," Louie snickered, poking at a bruise on Jack's forehead. "Or at least a deep one." "Hey, quit it. My day's going bad enough already," Jack whined. "Well, this'll make it all better," Louie grinned conspiratorially. "Mr. Kartoffelkopf is out with the flu, we've got a substitute teacher!" Substitute teacher. Magic words to the average student. There was no way the sub could possibly know everything the regular teacher did about class routine or discipline levels, especially when called at the last minute to fill in for a teacher who woke up with the flu. Human putty for the students to mold. Jack, however, was not in an average student mood. "Oh, man. Just what I needed. Another chance for Murphy to mess with me. This is gonna be the Sub from Hell (TM), I just know it!" "Don't be such a wussy, Jack," Mairi chided, and for the first time Jack wondered why he thought she should have an accent. "It'll be fine, a Sub is a Sub, right? Hey, what's that smell?" "It smells like unwashed gym socks," Louie sniffed. "On which you are the world expert," Mairi quipped back. "I resemble that remark!" Louie retorted, then shut up as the teacher walked into the room. He had faintly reddish skin and small horns protruding from his temples. His hair was black and slick, and he was nattily dressed in a tweed suit. "Hello class. As you may have heard, your regular teacher is ill, so I'll be filling in for him. My name is," he turned to the board and started to write his name, speaking realllllly slowly so that he kept pace with the writing. The chalk screeched on the chalkboard like the wailing of lost souls. "Mister...Satan...T. Lucifer...Jones." He turned back to the class, "But you can just call me Mr. Jones." "I knew it, I KNEW it!" Jack whispered. Mr. Jones shot him a look that said, "I heard that, and I'll brook no further whispering or you'll suffer the torments of the damned, understand?" Mr. Jones was apparently VERY good at giving threatening looks. "Anyway," he continued, "I'm not the only new face you'll see today. You have a new classmate who just moved into the area. Her name is Sara Diaz, please make her feel welcome, hm?" he said as he opened the door and ushered the student in. Jack's face lost all color when he saw who it was. But that's okay, color was conserved, since when she saw him she turned a deep reddish brown. "PERVERT! He's the one who grabbed my breasts, Mr. Jones!" she turned to the teacher. "Is that how you introduce yourself to every girl you meet?" Mairi frowned at him. Jack looked around him in terror. An angry mob was forming. And for some strange reason, he really had to sneeze. "WAH-CHOOO!" he sneezed, and suddenly he was lying on a metal deck with a squirrel's tail waving in his face. "Wake up, already, we landed...if ya call dis landin'," Louie chittered. "Welcome ta Mars." Coherent Comics UnInc. Presents: ___ __ __ ___ _ _ ___ _ _ _ _ CRAZY GUY #27 / '/ | / | / \/ / ' / / \/ Guys of Mars / /--' /--| / / / __ / / / copyright 1998 Dave Van Domelen `___ / | / |/__ _/ `__/ \__/ _/ ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Jack looked at the cracked viewport and listened to the slight hiss of escaping air. "There's no air out there, is there?" he asked Louie. He shrugged. "Sure dere is. Just not enuff." "I don't suppose you know any spells for surviving in a vacuum?" "Sure. Open Sesame," Louie intoned, then jumped up and pushed a button. A locker marked "EVA" opened, revealing a space suit. Jack pulled it out, then looked around inside. "There doesn't seem to be one in your size." Louie shot him a "no duh" look, then sighed. "Guess I get ta use one a' my practice forms. I'll turn inta a pebble, and you carry me around until ya find someplace wit' air, like a research station 'r sumpin. How mortifyin'." Jack cocked his head to one side. "How is becoming a pebble so bad? I mean, other than not being able to move and stuff?" "Kid, a pebble's just about at da bottom of da barrel on th' Wheel of Life. Really pious pebbles get reincarnated as slime molds, okay? You may worship TV, but my momma raised me t' be a good Taoist. And Buddhist. And Confucian. Maybe I lapse a little...okay, a lot...but th' guilt's still dere," Louie explained. "Now excuse me, I gotta get inta da right frame a' mind fer dis." "There's a right frame of mind for being a rock?" "You should know, blockhead. Now get inta yer spacesuit!" * * * * "So...this is the surface of Mars," Jack said in awe as he trekked across the rusty sands. "I've never been any place like this." "Ask yerself one question," came a voice from his hip pouch, somewhat gravelly in tone. "Did ya ever WANT ta be any place like dis?" Jack pondered this point for a moment, then admitted, "No, not really. Still, it's breathtaking in its own way. And please, no cracks about the atmosphere." Louie maintained a stony silence. "Why not stay with the ship?" Jack asked after a few more minutes. "I mean, okay, there was a leak so we had to get into spacesuits anyway, but if there's anyone within walking distance, they'd have seen us go down and come to check it out." Suddenly the ground rumbled slightly, and Jack looked back to see a plume of smoke rising from where they left the ship. "Dat's why." "Ah." "Plus, I know a little 'bout Mars from spyin' on th' Reds. It's the legendary homeworld of th' Squirrels, and dere's been rumblings of a plan ta return home. If da Reds found us foist, well...I'd rather be stuck out here ta die than end up in dere paws." "Well, now that we're safely away from the ship, what now?" "Dere's a blip just a little ta th' right a' yer direction, some kinda magic or high tech disruptin' th' dragon lines. Dey all seem ta point ta one place off dat way." "Mars has feng shui?" Jack asked in surprise. "All worlds got it, jest some more den others. Earth got plenty a' chi, which is why people like th' Sorceress Superlative keep tryin' ta drain it and become gods. Mars ain't got so much, bein' mostly dead and all, but it's got enuff ta see if ya know what ta look fer." "Wait," Jack stopped, and looked around. "Something's moving out there, behind the rocks." "What? What? Pebbles ain't got eyes, ya know!" "Whatever it is, it's small...most of those rocks aren't any bigger than my head. But I thought I saw something green, which definitely doesn't fit the decor. Little green men?" Suddenly, and without warning, Jack took advantage of the lower Martian gravity to leap several meters off the ground, giving him a better vantage point. And making him a better target for the small horde of rifle-toting green squirrels he saw hiding behind the rocks. "Gah! Green squirrels with far too many arms!" Jack shouted as he twisted and turned to avoid the lances of energy emerging from the rifles. "Green Martian squirrels?" Louie asked, incredulous. "Great merciful Buddha on a scooter! What next?" One of the beams struck Jack in the arm, opening a small hole in the suit. He grabbed the sleeve to plug the hole as best he could. "What's next is we run away!" Racing along in great leaping strides, Jack quickly left the green squirrels behind. "Jack, we're gettin' close! Th' dragon lines're all starting ta point down!" There was a pause. "This you tell me *now*," Jack sighed as his last leap carried him off the edge of a sudden drop. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!" "Use yer stick!" Louie shouted. "I can't! It's under the suit!" "Well...nertz." Then everything turned inside out. * * * * "But maaaaa, I don't wanna go to school! The teacher's the devil!" Jack muttered before sharp claws dug into his hip. "Yow! I'm awake, I'm awake! Or maybe not," Jack amended as he looked up to see his strange surroundings. "Why is there an ocean balanced sideways on top of that mountain?" "Let me outta dis stupid space suit!" Louie yelled from inside, clawing Jack's leg again for emphasis. "Ow! Okay!" Jack hurriedly stripped off the suit. Obviously there was air out here, since there were plants and water and stuff. And since he'd been out for a while and the hole in his suit would have definitely released all of his air supply by now. "Well I'll be a human's uncle," Louie gasped as he took in the scenery. "We're inside the Hollow Mars!" "Mars is hollow?" "Well, kinda. Mars itself ain't hollow, but dat chi sink we fell on top a' musta been a portal ta one a' dem Dyson Sphere things, where da Sun's in da middle. So DIS is why da Reds wuz so hot ta get back ta Mars...." "The birds are certainly strange here," Jack noted, pointing to a circling flock overhead. Louie looked up and squinted against the sunlight. Then his tail went flat. "Jack...dose ain't boids...RUN!" It was too late, the leathery fliers had already started their dive as Louie ran for the underbrush. Jack smirked and pulled out his magical staff, lengthening it to a proper fighting size. "I've got 'em," he said. He swatted the first one aside like a pinyata, but two more got past his defense and landed on his back. "Hey, get off, that...AAAAGH!" he shouted as they sunk fangs deep into the muscles of his back. "Jack, dose tings're vampires! Dey ain't just suckin' yer blood, dey're drainin' yer chi!" Louie shouted. Jack managed to tear the two from his back, but in that time three more had latched onto his limbs. He was fighting a losing, if ludicrous, battle against the vampiric flying squirrels. But before Louie could run through his meager catalog of spells for something which might drive the foul creatures away, an energy beam exactly like the ones which came from the green squirrels' rifles lanced out of the underbrush and seared one of the bloodsuckers. It screamed in pain and flew off. A few more shots, and Jack was able to free himself of the rest on his own. The pack ran for greener pastures and easier targets. "Hey, ta who d'we owe th' save?" Louie asked, emerging into the clearing and moving over to Jack's side. "My name is Jonkatta," came the electronically translated voice as a heroic-looking red squirrel stepped into the clearing, an energy rifle in its paws. "A Red!" Louie gasped, poised to run. "Hold," Jonkatta said, raising a paw. "Run and my associates burn you both where you stand." He looked up at Jack. "I know of you, human. You have cost my people much, and are marked for death. And neither of you have any reason to trust me or my associates," he said as a few bright scarlet squirrels stepped into view. "But heed me now...it is imperative we work together or three worlds die within the week!" CAN JACK AND LOUIE TRUST JONKATTA? WHICH THREE WORLDS DIE, AND ARE THEY ANY *I* CARE ABOUT? HOW WILL JACK REACT WHEN HE FINDS OUT WHAT THE FLYING SQUIRRELS ARE CALLED? Some of this, probably, on the next...SUPERGUY! ============================================================================ Author's Notes: Okay, so sue my slug, with all the HSSG (High School Superguy) on the list, I just had to toss in my attempt at it. And in case anyone's wondering, the most direct source for the scene before the credits is an episode of Neon Genesis Evangelion.