___ _____, ____ __ __ , ____ ____ ____ // ` / || /|| \\ /||\\ /||\\ | // \ // ` /|| \\ \\__ /|| /||__// /||_\\_ /|| \\| || ____ ||-- /||__// \\ || || \\ || \\ || \\ \\ || \\ || \\ `___// `--. `--. --. `--. `--. `--. --. `--|| `---' `--. --. || _____, __ __, ____ ___ `=/ / || /||\\ /|| // ` // ` .|. COHERENT /|| /||_\\_ /|| ||-- \\__ --X------------------ || || \\ ||____, \\ \\ '|` COMICS UNINC `--. `--. `--. `-----, `---' `___// #6 - Alternate Darkness IV: The Great Disco Saga Copyright 1996 by Dave Van Domelen \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\/\/////////////////////////////////// ///////////////////////////////////\/\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ [cover shows the LNH sprawled about on the ground at the feet of Flipseid, his rhinestone-studded disco suit gleaming.] ------------------------------------------------------------------------ "So, who's the lucky girl?" Sarcastic Lad asked Cannon Fodder, who was holding a baby in his arms. "Or is the suit still pending?" "That's not funny," Cannon Fodder protested. "It is from where I'm sitting," Sarc snickered. Felix fixed Sarc with a look that said, "cool it," then turned to Cannon Fodder. "Where did you find that child?" "It was just there in my arms when I regenerated...I dunno where it came from. Um, could someone else take it, I'm afraid I'll drop it or something." Catalyst Lass stood and rushed over to take the tiny burden off Cannon Fodder's hands. "Awww, isn't he cute?" she cooed, looking into the sleeping face. Everyone found themselves nodding their heads and making silly baby-talk noises at the infant for a moment, before shaking off the effects of Catalyst Lass's powers. "Wait, how do you know the child is male?" Doctor Stomper interjected. "I...I just knew," Catalyst Lass stammered, more than a little confused. "I feel a very strong presence about the child," Occultism Kid noted. "It is not an ordinary human baby, that much is certain." "Could this be one of Flipseid's Dance Remixes, sent here as a sort of Trojan Horse?" Felix asked the LNH's resident mage. "I'm not sure. I've helped examine the captured Servant of Disco, and I do find some similarities here, but it's not a Remix. That much I feel certain of." "Okay, we should keep an eye on the baby for now...I doubt this was totally coincidental. Catalyst Lass, do you mind?" Felix asked. "No problem, Fearless Leader." Then, to the baby, "You're a good widdle boy, yes you are!" Sarcastic Lad looked like he was having trouble keeping his lunch down. The comm.thingy screen in the room lit up with Multi-Tasking Man's image. "Guys, I think you'll wanna see this shot from outside," he said, and toggled the picture while catching up on hew newsgroups and painting a Warhammer 40K figure. The sky was darkened, as if a cloud were in front of the sun. But as the focus zoomed in on this "cloud," it was revealed to be a mass of small figures, each brightly attired in capes and tights. "Capxantites!" Continuity Champ hissed. "Flipseid must have taken total control of the population and sent them against us!" "Cat, get to the infirmary with the child. Everyone else, get to defensive stations and prepare to fight this off! From what you've all told me about Capxantites, they aren't exactly tactical geniuses, so we should be able to hold them off for a while. Kirby, do you feel the Work For Hire field?" Felix asked. "No, it does not seem to have extended to Earth yet." "Good, so the Capxantites will *hopefully* weaken as time goes by. If we can keep them at bay long enough, they may retreat back to their contractual zone. Now let's go!" LNHers scrambled out of the room with varying degrees of decorum and grace, leaving Felix behind for a moment. He stared at the screen. Four of Flipseid's servants had almost been too much for them. Now there were millions. What could be done? Then there was a flash of green light, light almost exactly the color of money, and a figure in a three piece suit carrying a briefcase appeared. "Greetings. I am Ron Kaylor, member in good standing of the Lethal Lawyers Corps, district 85672876828346/b-3, including Earth and its adjoining territories. I understand you wish to find a way to break a contract...." * * * * Sig.Lad got off the diagnostic couch and pulled his tunic back on. "So I check out okay?" he asked Organic Lass. She nodded. "Your chest is bruised from the impact, but nothing is broken or seriously damaged. You might want to add some padding to your costume for a few days in case you get hit there again." Sidewinder snickered as he gingerly walked around the room, testing his recently-healed leg. "That'll be a switch...a guy superhero padding the chest of his costume." Organic Lass frowned at Sidewinder. "Not all of us try to look like Topheavy Lass, I'll have you know. Now be careful, the Hyperossification Regenerative Matrix Contraption Man built was only a prototype, your leg may still need some time to heal naturally before you can get full use out of it." There was a muffled explosion from above, audible even through the heavy shielding around the infirmary. The banter stopped, as a stark reminder of the deadly struggle overhead reverberated through the room. Squid Boy woke and sat bolt upright, looking about in panic for a moment before remembering where he was. However, when the shock faded from his face, there was a new look in his eyes that Sig.Lad couldn't remember seeing before in the few times Squid Boy had been awake. Determination. "You okay, Squid Boy?" Sidewinder asked, limping over to his friend's bedside. "I...I'm not sure. I think I had a dream, but it wasn't fuzzy and muddled like most dreams I have. I remember the voice most...at first I thought it was Squiddy, but it wasn't. He was singing a song, it's slipping now, but I remember it had something to do with daring to be...be what, I don't know. 'You can fly if you try,' was part of it. Sigh...it's all gone now. Maybe my subconscious was trying to tell me what I needed to hear, though. I can't just mourn Squiddy forever, I have to dare to make a life for myself without him." Squid Boy stood up and looked down at his hospital gown. "Back in a minute," he said, ducking out of the room and heading in the direction of his quarters. "So..." Sig.Lad started. "Does he come back in costume, or in civvies?" "Or at all?" Organic Lass added. "No. I've known him for a while, I don't think he's cutting out on us. I'm just worried he'll try something stupid that will get him killed," Sidewinder replied. Moments later, Squid Boy stepped back into the room, in a new costume. This one looked sturdier and darker than the old one. "I'd been working on this as a new look," he admitted, "and since my other costume got shredded I figured this would be a good time to try it out. Y'know, I've had a lot of time to think about my life the last few days...but it just seemed to gel now. It's time I grew up some. I'm not a boy anymore, and I can't afford to act like one either. Maybe I don't have powers now, but that doesn't mean I'm useless...I guess I have our Fearless Leader to thank for showing me that. From now on, you can call me...Squidman." With that, he pulled the mask onto his face and struck a Significant Pose for the splash page. * * * * Kid Kirby struggled as a dozen or more Capxantites mobbed him, burying him in a sea of bodies. He knew they were not in their right minds, and did not wish to kill them. Yet it seemed that non-lethal force was insufficient to dislodge the fanatic followers of Flipseid. And even should he slay all those on his person, thousands more waited nearby to take their place. He would not commit genocide to save himself...but would he have to destroy one race to preserve another? Was Humanity more worthy of survival than the Capxantites? Such questions vexed the Kirbian as he hurled another tights-clad figure from his back only to see another move to take his comrade's place. * * * * Invisible Incendiary moved silently from one knot of Capxantites to another, for it was there he'd find his teammates being mobbed. His flames burned brightly for a moment before he returned to the Lurking, intense enough to stun these newbies, but not to kill them. Not yet. He berated himself for being so easily taken out in the last fight. And by a blue laughing boy like that, to boot! It was almost as if the Writers conspired against him, wanting him out of the action before he could ruin the plot. It wasn't being taken down that rankled him so. His connection to the Lurking helped him understand things few mortals did, and he knew that sometimes for the good of the Plot, characters like himself needed to be removed from action. But the manner of his defeat was...embarrassing. He tried not to think about it too much as he broke up another clump of Capxantites, shutting his nose against the smell of burning spandex.... * * * * Plot King zigged and zagged desperately through the air, trying to buy a moment's respite. These Capxantites seemed to emit an anti-plot aura of some sort, as if they were trying to change reality around them into random fight scenes and angst. With every punch he threw against them, he felt his strength sapped. It wouldn't be much longer before he was totally overwhelmed. * * * * "...and to wit, as outlined in section 2.35.23.6 paragraph 3.8, the contract does not require them to surrender their intellectual property, that being in this case their free will, as recognized under interstellar statute A33B1/FF-456, to the contractor while not within the rigidly defined parameters of the workplace, the planet Capxan," finished the Lethal Lawyer. "Fine, they don't have to obey him," Felix replied. "But what if they want to?" "Ah, then we look under subheading...." * * * * Cheeezarr was getting nervous. The Capxantites were starting to shrug off the effects of his Cheeez Bursts...he suspected they were even growing to like it! Makkaroni was doing his best on the ground, but was having trouble just staying alive. Then, as if on a signal, the Capxantites surrounding him started to completely ignore his efforts and buried him underneath layers of their own bodies.... * * * * Remember the irony of the situation, Irony Man told himself. It was the only thing that kept him going...the fact that the LNH, a group of superhero parodies, was being attacked by parodies of superhero parodies. His armor was sparking and shattered in several places, being almost useless now except as slight protection against the battering he was getting. He couldn't see any other LNHers through the cloud of Capxantites. Sure, the brightly clad foemen seemed to be getting weaker, but ironically the LNH was getting weaker faster.... * * * * Suddenly a green glow suffused the entire city, freezing the Capxantites in their tracks. Tired LNHers swayed unsteadily, wondering if this was a trick and hoping it wasn't. "Attention residents of the planet Capxan!" shouted a slim man in a power tie and three piece suit, the Lethal Lawyer Ron Kaylor. "Pursuant to Immigration Law statute, you are in violation of alien right-to-work regulations...in short, you did not acquire green cards or visas. I have obtained a Cosmic Restraining Order, which will prevent you from working in this sector until such time as you obtain the proper visas and permissions. In addition, you may wish to know that your employer has no authority to send you to a workplace outside the Capxan system, and as such is liable for Breach of Contract action should you desire it. If you leave the system and meet me at a neutral location, I will gladly aid in the filing of all necessary paperwork." Confused, but unable to perform any other action, the Capxantites slowly let go of their targets and ascended into the heavens. Lethal Lawyer turned to Felix, who was standing next to him now. "Be warned, should they choose not to press the BoC litigation and apply for visas, such requests would only take a few hours to process. The Lethal Lawyer Corps is very efficient, and we do not take sides...we simply uphold the letter of the law. Use this time wisely." Then with a flash of green and a smell of freshly minted bills, he was gone. A weary and grateful LNH staggered back to the LNHQ to collapse and convalesce. * * * * "Here's an interesting turn of events," Sidewinder noted. "A few minutes ago, we were the only ones in the infirmary. Now we're about the only ones NOT in it," he said to Sig.Lad, Squidman, Catalyst Lass and the mysterious child. "Plus Fearless Leader over there," Sig.Lad added, nodding to Felix, who was approaching them on his way to the monitor room. Suddenly a hooded woman showing plenty of cleavage despite her billowy robe appeared between the group and Felix. "I AM ALL-KNOWING LAST-CHANCE WHINER DESTINY WOMAN!" she proclaimed. "AND YOUR WORLD'S ONLY HOPE LIES IN BRINGING THAT CHILD TO THE NOW RUINED WORLD OF CAPXAN! PREPARE YOURSELF FOR THE JOURNEY!" her otherworldly voice boomed. "Wait, what do you..." Felix started, before everything went all wobbly and the world dissolved around them. * * * * "Ugh...I don't know which makes me more nauseous...the interstellar transport or the color scheme here," Sig.Lad moaned. In the background, the baby made soft "weh weh" noises. Felix could remember the Disco Age, but even having lived through it he had trouble coping with the enormity of this...an entire world transformed into a giant dance floor. All about them was nothingness, for all the Capxantites were absent, negotiating with the Lethal Lawyer. Dance remixes of various formerly popular songs wafted all about, mixed in with dance remixes of Beethoven and Benny Goodman. "Disco Ode To Joy?" Squidman gasped. "Is nothing sacred to this fiend?" "BLASPHEMERS! DISCO *IS* SACRED!" shouted O'Brien, or rather the foul Remix of that New Mod as he swooped in from above. "Touch the SNUH!" Sig.Lad shouted in return as he called up an ASCII image of Australia and slammed the continent down on O'Brien. "Ow...that hurt," he said quietly. The asterisk marking Perth started to rumble, and moments later O'Brien blasted out from under the huge graphic. Laughing maniacally, he strafed the group, causing them to dive for cover amongst the scattered rubble. Felix fired two shots from his BIGGUN, but they had no more effect than last time. "Damn it!" he cursed. "Why did that woman send us here? We're no match for even O'Brien, much less Flipseid!" "Uh, Leader," Catalyst Lass started. "I think the baby wants to say something...." Indeed, the infant had floated out of Cat's grasp and was hovering in the air before them. "No! You shall die before you can return!" O'Brien shouted, pouring all the firepower of his Cosmic Pogo Stick into the tiny form. The glare blinded everyone, obscuring the infant from view. Yet the faint outline that was visible looked like it was growing. And then the light started to dim as the energy was...consumed...by the rapidly aging boy. In moments, there stood a middle-aged man who looked like nothing so much as an aging rock star who still had a career. A man everyone present recognized...the LNHers from images shown them by Kid Kirby, and O'Brien from his twisted memories. "Highfidelity!" O'Brien gasped. "I am no longer your son! Die!" he shouted, firing more energy beams futilly at Highfidelity. "No, that you are not," the highest of the New Mods replied. "Not in this form. But it is within my power to bring forth the true rythym of your soul, strip away the false backbeats and oversamples." <> boomed a voice from overhead as a satin-bedecked figure drifted down to the dance floor in his own colored spotlight. <> "No...I see now that this mockery has no heart and soul, he is merely a remix of forgotten memories. I remove him now from the playlist and end his miserable turn upon the stage," Highfidelity gestured, and the remixed O'Brien faded away like a poster left in the store window too long. "No prophecies will be fulfilled today, brother. It is not yet our time again. Let this mockery end." <> "I need not. Even now your Capxantite slaves are negotiating creator- controlled deals and suing you for every last dreg of power you invested in them. The Work-for-Hire contract has been invalidated. And I need not lift a hand against you." <> "No, I don't think so, Flipseid," Felix said, standing confidently on what used to be an ASCII Canberra. He flipped open the channel on his comm.thingy. "Kirby, you heard what Highfidelity said?" The only response was a resounding BOOM as a Boom Tube opened over the dance floor, shattering a hanging mirror ball as the enraged Kirbian tore out of it at speeds that beggared the imagination. It was not a time for words, only power and retribution for acts of desecration that could not go unpunished. The full fury of the Kirbian poured out into Flipseid's glittering form, driving even this cosmic being back to one knee. Squares of the dance floor boiled off into free radicals, flashing one last weak glimmer of light as they were vaporized. The music died out, and only the incessant roar of the Power Kirby could be heard, singing out a song of might in the service of right. After what seemed an eternity, the Kirbian's rage was spent. The vapors cleared and Flipseid looked up from his humbled position. <> With that, he disappeared into the acrid smoke that surrounded him. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- And thus was the Legion to survive its greatest challenge to date, rallying behind a new leader. Felix found himself growing into the position, yet growing apart from his own superiors. Like a true leader should, he found himself putting his followers ahead of his personal goals and missions, much to the chagrin of the generals who sent him to be their tool. Over the next few years, events unfurled on a grand scale in a way similar to that you know. Other heroes arose...the Load Island Renegades, Decibel Dude and Vigilante Guy, Panta, Drizzt's Defenders, Generation Y (albeit missing some members) to name but a few. Felix was regarded with respect by even those teams he didn't personally lead, and many crises were averted before they could blow up into the raging infernos that we knew them as. Yet Flipseid's curse continued to haunt the otherwise Fearless Leader. And one day it did come to pass.... ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- If you were one of the few people in space that day, you could have looked down and seen the world turn pink. Right before tendrils of the stuff lanced up along communications links and covered you as well. All the world's heroes combined had not been able to stop it. Even now, the remaining few were desperately trying to keep a small patch of Net.ropolis clear. The Order of St. Doomas had formed an incongruous alliance with the LNH and now fought shoulder to shoulder against the waves of...SPHAM. "Look out, it's trying to cover us over!" warned Decibel Dude as he kept his section of the wall at bay with a screen of white sound. "Got it covered!" replied Firewall as she sent a sheet of flame upwards to intercept and incinerate the jhelli-coated tendril that threatened to close off the only access to the air. The Spham was already to high that the late-afternoon sun was no longer visible...they fought in pink-tinged shadows illuminated by the crackling flames of various Net.Heroes and zealots. All about lay the fallen. Shotgun's blasts had proved ineffectual, yet he had kept blazing away until the pink horror had engulfed him...by the time Quarrel could free him he had suffocated. Kid Kirby was faring the best, but was torn between staying in a lost cause and trying to leave to warn other worlds of the danger before it spread. Vigilante Dude had used up his grenades and now just stood there and stared numbly at the menace which bullets couldn't stop. And somewhere inside the meaty wall were entombed dozens of fallen LNHers and even a few members of the Order. Felix had long since run out of ammo for his BIGGUN and now stood at the back, trying to help coordinate the defense. But he knew it was no good. This was Flipseid's curse, he realized. Rotanna could have seen this coming and helped stop it at the source if he hadn't insisted she return to the LNHQ when she resigned Dvandom Force. She was somewhere out there, in the heart of the Spham, locked in an eternal struggle with her father...both dead and encased in the Spham that had claimed the world. "Fearless Leader, come inside!" came Doc Stomper's excited voice over the intercom.thingy. When there was no response, he shouted, "There's nothing you can do out there, and you're the only one left who might stand a chance at saving us all!" "Roger," was the terse reply. Felix pretended he didn't hear Decibel Dude's scream cut off abruptly as the Spham consumed him. * * * * "The idea was to send me back in time to deal with Mr. Gain. Stomper claimed the dimensional rectifiers on his time.thingy would prevent a paradox from messing this up, but at the last second the Spham burst through the doors and filled the room...it must have done something to the machine, because I ended up here," Felix finished explaining. He leaned forward and took a sip of his coffee. "That certainly sounds plausible. Spham is well-known for its tendencies to damage the workings of even robust systems," replied the Doctor Stomper of this new Looniverse. "It appears that you are the only survivor of your world...you may wish to talk to the Legion of Occult Heroes about dealing with this sort of thing, should they ever return." "Thanks. So, who runs this Legion again?" "Ultimate Ninja. He is a stern and somewhat distant leader, but adequate for our needs. There is a leadership election scheduled, however, if you wish to run?" "Maybe. But maybe this Legion is better off without my leadership...." ============================================================================= Author's Notes: The Order of St. Doomas used by permission of the various creators, who appreciate a cautionary tale about the dangers of SPHAM. Don't try to understand the "Touch the SNUH!" line, it's a TinyTIM gag. NEXT ISSUE: A.N.A.G.R.A.M.! What if the Grand Tour crossover Went Too Far and merged the Looniverse and 000SUPERGUY into one big messy universe? Would the inhabitants even know? Or care? And does the Writer realize that it should probably be A.C.R.O.N.Y.M. instead? Or care?