___ _____, ____ __ __ , ____ ____ ____ // ` / || /|| \\ /||\\ /||\\ | // \ // ` /|| \\ \\__ /|| /||__// /||_\\_ /|| \\| || ____ ||-- /||__// \\ || || \\ || \\ || \\ \\ || \\ || \\ `___// `--. `--. --. `--. `--. `--. --. `--|| `---' `--. --. || _____, __ __, ____ ___ `=/ / || /||\\ /|| // ` // ` .|. COHERENT /|| /||_\\_ /|| ||-- \\__ --X------------------ || || \\ ||____, \\ \\ '|` COMICS UNINC `--. `--. `--. `-----, `---' `___// #4 - Fall Of The Tonearm Copyright 1996 by Dave Van Domelen \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\/\/////////////////////////////////// ///////////////////////////////////\/\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ [Cover shows Fearless Leader cradling the battered body of Squid Boy in his arms as flames lick the scenery. Cover copy proclaims that this is "Alternate Darkness II"] ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Felix threw his hands in front of his face, but he didn't need to. His visor polarized automatically, cutting the white-hot glare down to the point where he could look into it. He'd seen death before, of course. You don't spend years in the Special Forces without seeing at least a few people die...not all missions are clean, not all missions are successful. But this was the first time he'd seen someone throw his life away in an attack...even the most fanatical I.rec.is didn't fly into the jaws of death with such cocky good cheer. And somehow this disturbed him deeply. A fraction of a second later, he could see a figure falling from the site of the detonation of the Plot Device. No one else could focus yet, they'd all been looking unprotectedly at the blast...Felix guessed they'd never seen a Plot Device react that way before. Hard lessons all 'round, then. Felix readied his BIGGUN in case it was the attacker, having survived. It was Squid Boy, burning as he fell. Felix cycled the BIGGUN onto capturefoam and fired a round at Squid Boy. The plastic capsule struck the falling net.hero and enveloped him in a cocoon of sticky, rubbery foam, cushioning his impact on the street. Seconds later, Felix was there, stripping away the foam with his knife and checking Squid Boy for injuries. Nothing major, miraculously...even the fire seemed to have not reached his skin, only scorching his costume slightly. "What happened?" "Oh my...." "Squid Boy!" These and other cries formed a cacophony as the other LNHers regained their sight and wits, and started to cluster around where Squid Boy had fallen. Squid Boy coughed a little and opened his eyes weakly. "He's dead." "The attacker? I'd hope so..." Felix started. "No," Squid Boy interrupted. "Suicide Squid. He's dead...died so I...so WE could all live. He's gone...I can't feel him anymore..." Squid Boy broke down into sobbing. * * * * Three hours later, the most powerful of the current LNH were assembled in one room for the first time since the last big crossover. Kid Kirby stood in one corner, resplendent in his full armor, armor that covered him from head to foot and gave no indication of the nature of the man inside it, if it was indeed a man. Plot King, a worried look on his face, sat on a couch, looking like he was trying to think of something. Newcomers Cheeezarr and Makkaroni stood near the middle of the room, not certain if they should mingle with the others. And at the front was Felix, awed by the immense power represented here, even if he didn't show it. Then a figure resplendent in a gaudy multicolored costume strode in to complete the group. "Ah, Captain Continuity," Felix started to say. "Continuity Champ, sir," corrected the Knight of Continuity, with a slight edge that indicated that he was getting tired of his name constantly being mistranslated or just plain forgotten. "Oh? Well, I suppose it was too much to hope for all my briefing information to be accurate. Gentlemen," he started, immediately taking on such a natural tone of authority that even Kid Kirby seemed mildly impressed, "the LNH is under attack by someone of great power. Normally, I'd be more than happy to leave this matter to your regular leadership, as I'm not a member, I'm only the new government liason. But Rebel Yell is nowhere to be found. Even his alternate self, Plot King, cannot establish contact. It's possible that he's held captive by his old enemy, the Fan.dom of the Alt.Ra. However, it is unlikely that the Fan.dom is behind this attack, as the mysterious entity seemed more inclined to destroy than collect. I called you together not just for your immense powers, but in the hopes that with your various cosmic backgrounds you might know of someone who could be responsible for this." "This one has reviewed the fragmentary records the LNHQ security systems were able to save before being destroyed, and believes he has useful information. The being who attacked bore a mild resemblance to O'Brien of the New Mods, powerful cosmic beings who have not been heard of since the end of the Disco Age. However, this one seems to be a degraded version, either O'Brien has fallen on hard times or this is some sort of twisted doppelganger," concluded Kid Kirby. "Yes, I've heard of the New Mods," added Continuity Champ, "but not much, and I too had thought them mainly a distorted myth brought on by fear of the Disco Age. Still, wasn't O'Brien one of the more heroic New Mods, hastener of the end of that foul time?" Felix nodded, hiding his frown. He'd hoped it was something tangible, like Doctor Killfile, not mysticism and half-remembered nightmares. "Cheeezarr, do you have anything to add?" The bearer of the Camembert Coils shook his head. "Sorry, I really don't know too much about even my own origin right now, much less other cosmic powers." "Kirby, Continuity Champ, do either of you know where the New Mods lived? Might it be possible for you to travel there and confirm their involvement? You're among the few LNHers with space travel ability, and I'm afraid we might not have time to rebuild Myk-El's spaceship to use as a scout." "Aye, the planet ToppPhorti, a dead, wasted shell devoid of life, still spins its lonely orbit in a far distant corner of the galaxy. O'Brien was born on ToppPhorti, although he grew up on the kinder New Collins, which itself has disappeared into myth," answered Kid Kirby. Just then, List Lad burst into the room. "Um, Fearless Leader?" he asked, stunned momentarily by the might arrayed in the room. Felix suppressed the urge to tell List Lad not to call him "Fearless Leader." He knew these people didn't use normal names, and figured he could always choose a less arrogant sounding codename later. "Yes, List Lad?" "I was looking into Dr. Killfile like you asked, and we can pretty safely say he's not behind this. He's in Net.ropolis General Hospital, comatose. Something really powerful shut his mind down totally. Oh, and...well, you won't like this, but Y-Plex Burp is in with the same problem." Felix felt a chill. Neither villain was an easy mark, and anything that both could take them out and wanted them out of the way was certainly not anything he wanted to take a group like the LNH up against. Unfortunately, it was looking like that was exactly what he would have to do.... * * * * A mysterious figure hovered over the skies of the planet Capxan, skies which just moments before had looked out on a totally different starfield. He smiled to himself over the ease with which he'd flipped this world here in place of his own. Out from under the shining light of the Sage Stars, light which held in check some of the excesses of the Capxantites, he could exploit the unique and evolutionarily inexplicable abilities of this race to help him in his quest. Even now, some of the Capxantites must have been looking to the skies and wondering what was wrong, why only one feeble star now lit their days and why different constellations filled their nights. In this murky twilight their refinement would fall away and their baser instincts would take over. Already the Mysterious Figure could sense the inhabitants' bodily proportions stretching out of anything that might be considered sane for a humanoid race. They abandoned sensible, modest clothing and started wearing tight and exhibitionist outfits. Only one ingredient needed to be introduced before they would become a force that could flood the market and the Looniverse, and the Mysterious Figure knew how to provide it. Pulling from his belt a scroll, he wrote upon it with a quill pen. He then threw it towards the planet, where it grew to envelop the entire world in its power! Writ upon it were three simple words, words which doomed the Capxantites to mindless servitude, yet also gave them the vibrancy and sense of urgency needed to unlock their true power. WORK FOR HIRE * * * * Things had finally fallen into something like order, what with the LNH being pretty used to running itself without strong central command structure. LNHers specializing in research, like List Lad and Browsing Boy, threw themselves into the task of discovering more about the New Mods. Others made ready for combat as best they could, or helped repair critical parts of the LNHQ and fortify others. Continuity Champ and Kid Kirby had flown off the gather intelligence, and Invisible Incendiary was helping Plot King try to establish the locations of Rebel Yell and Lurking Girl. With everyone doing what they could, Felix went to the med bay to see how Squid Boy was faring. Others had been hurt as well, but Squid Boy's blows had been as much psychological as physical. "He's finally gotten to sleep," noted Doc Stomper as he checked on minor wounds suffered by Cheesecake-Eater Lad. "I'd recommend letting him rest." Felix nodded and turned to leave, when he heard a voice call out behind him. "Wait." It was Sidewinder, who'd been sidelined by a broken leg when a hallway collapsed on him. He motioned for Felix to come over where they could talk quietly. "I hear you kept Squid Boy from landing on his head back there. Thanks. We obscure, less-powerful characters are always in danger of being killed off for a plot point...thanks for keeping him from being another." Felix shook his head. "I should have stopped him from tackling O'Brien, or whatever that thing was. And I could have." "Yes, you could have," came a voice from behind Felix. He turned his head to see it as Parking Karma Kid. "But then what? Maybe we all would have been killed by that thing. Squid Boy knew this day would come, he told me about it once...'I get my powers from a suicidal squid...one of these days that's gonna kill me,' he said. He did what he was fated to do...risk it all to save everyone. But he was my friend. Just like I knew he'd try something like this someday, I also knew I didn't want him to die...not even in a blaze of glory." Parking Karma Kid placed his hand on Felix's shoulder and gave it a tight squeeze. "Thanks for saving his life, I mean it." He looked with some sadness at Squid Boy, who was curled up in a fetal position as he slept. "I just hope he can find a reason to keep living it now." "Me too," said Felix, not sure if any of them would live through this crisis. Especially the ones like Parking Karma Kid, who had no real combat powers. Would Squid Boy wake up to find his friends dead at the hands of an ancient nightmare? As Felix stood, he swore that if such an event would come to pass, it would not be because he didn't do his DAMNEDEST to stop it. * * * * "Maybe this wasn't the best time to apply," muttered Sig.Lad as he turned the corner and saw the LNHQ in partial ruins, LNHers scurrying about effecting what repairs they could. Still, the LNH looked like it could use another member if whatever did this was still out there...and Sig.Lad also had made a promise. He touched one of the two discs at his collar as he started forward again. Stepping over a fallen decorative column on his way in, he looked around for someone he could ask directions of. Spotting someone drifting overhead, watching as others did cleanup work, Sig.Lad figured he might know where to go. "Excuse me, could you tell me who I talk to about joining the LNH? I know it's probably a bad time, but...." The hovering man turned, and with a sardonic grin, replied, "Oh, you'll want to see our Fearless Leader. He should be around here somewhere, just look for a guy with hashmarks on his sleeves," the man indicated by drawing a v-shape on his shoulder. "Military-looking type." Sig.Lad nodded, and pondered for a moment. Maybe he could use his powers to find this Fearless Leader. He snapped his finger...there's one kind of man who always seems to find a higher ranking soldier...or be found. Concentrating, he mutated into Peef.Sig, his costume altering slightly to look like a Private First Class's uniform. Then he found a corner and settled in to take a nap. True to form, only seconds later Sig.Lad could tell someone was standing over him. He opened his eyes to look up at a rather military-looking man. "Private, what are you doing here? And sleeping?" Sig.Lad relaxed and let his costume and body flow back into normal pattern. To his credit, Fearless Leader didn't even flinch. "I'm not really a soldier, I just figured this would be a quick way to get in touch with you." "Well, it worked. You are...?" "Sig.Lad, I've come to join the LNH. I was told you were the person to see." Fearless Leader cocked his head. "I thought the LNH already had a Sig.File Man. Or is this another Continuity Champ/Captain Continuity goof-up?" Sig.Lad shook his head. "No, the LNH did have a Sig.File Man. I ran across his path by accident on my first case, we were both tracking down the Warlord [alt.fan.warlord is a newsgroup for showcasing ludicrous sig.files, usually huge ASCII things - Ed]. We beat him, but...Sig.File Man was severely wounded. He may not walk again, and if he does, it'll be months. So he gave me his Sig.File Discs," Sig.Lad pointed at the discs at his collar, "and made me promise to take his place in the LNH until he could return." "Do you have any inherent powers I should be aware of? Mind you, I'm not the leader of the LNH...." Sig.Lad cut him off, "Then why do they call you Fearless Leader?" Fearless Leader sighed. "Sardonic Boy saddled me with that label, I'm just the government liason. But the real leader is missing in action, and things are a bit too hectic to be electing a new leader right now. Anyway, do you have any powers beyond the discs? I gather you have some shapeshifting powers." Sig.Lad nodded. "More than shapeshifting, actually. And less. I mutate into various forms to fit the needs of the current topic. I generally only get one shot with any given form, and I don't always make it count, but I'm working on it." Fearless Leader nodded. "Hopefully we won't have to test those abilities under fire. For now, head for the computer rooms," he pointed down the hall, "and let List Lad know about Sig.File Man. He can probably tell you more than I can right now about anything you'll need to do to officially join." With that, Sig.Lad nodded and headed off in the direction indicated. All things considered, it could have been worse...at least the LNH wasn't being led by some psychopath who insisted on single combat with all applicants. * * * * Space, while not as empty as total vacuum, is still pretty empty for the most part. Hence, there was little to displace when a portal suddenly opened and let out two gaudily garbed figures. No characteristic "BOOM!" that accompanied the opening of the portal at the other end. Well, that's how it should have worked, anyway. But Kid Kirby was suffused with the Power Kirby, which let him easily suspend such laws of physics and logic when dramatic effect dictated it. BOOM! And because both beings exiting the portal were of a cosmic nature, they could converse freely without care for the lack of a medium to converse in. "Strange...the Boom Tube has never led Kid Kirby astray before, but this does not seem to be the system ToppPhorti was in last this one visited, many years past. Ahead, see the dead husk of ToppPhorti, like a disco ball with most of the mirrored pieces gouged out, dark save for the occasional dull glare. Yet, the stars are wrong." "I agree, Kirbian," concurred Continuity Champ. "Unless I am sorely mistaken, this is the Capxan system, but that is most assuredly not the planet Capxan. This has me worried, for Capxan has been the source of many continuity problems in the past, and have only been kept docile by alterations to their starsystem. If they have been removed from the gentle influence of the Sage Stars, there is no telling what chaos they could bring." "Then let the Boom Tube carry us anon unto Capxan itself...perhaps it has been exchanged for the burned out husk below!" declaimed Kid Kirby as the Boom Tube formed with a thunderous BOOM! The instant the two had emerged from this Boom Tube, Kid Kirby doubled over in pain. "Kirbian, what is it?" asked Continuity Champ. "The one thing that the Power Kirby can no longer abide, having been enslaved to it for far too long...the vile Work For Hire Contract!" "What fiend could possibly subject an entire starsystem to Work For Hire?" asked Continuity Champ as Kid Kirby fell into a suspended animation. He did not need ponder why, for he knew that the planet below was indeed Capxan, and could feel the roiling waves of continuity disruption emanating from it. This was too large a threat to face alone, but without the Kirbian's Boom Tubes he had little hope of reaching help in time. He took the only option open to him, and attempted to get the two of them out of range of the contract, in hopes that Kid Kirby would revive.... ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Author's Notes: One bit of artistic license I'm taking here in the premise of "What if I wrote LNH and wReam didn't?" is that I'm not as clueless in this alternate reality. Rather than just glomming onto pre-existing characters like Sidewinder and using them like my own, this alternate "me" actually bothered to read the roster and get some help from original creators. Hence including the older Sig.File Man in Sig.Lad's origin from the start, and stuff like that. If I the creator of Sig.File Man is still out there, get in touch with me, I might want to eventually write the story alluded to here, with SFM and Sig.Lad tackling the Warlord. NEXT ISSUE: The Servants of Disco attack en masse! And with Continuity Champ and Kid Kirby still slowly making their way home, can the LNH survive this assault?