___ _____, ____ __ __ , ____ ____ ____ // ` / || /|| \\ /||\\ /||\\ | // \ // ` /|| \\ \\__ /|| /||__// /||_\\_ /|| \\| || ____ ||-- /||__// \\ || || \\ || \\ || \\ \\ || \\ || \\ `___// `--. `--. --. `--. `--. `--. --. `--|| `---' `--. --. || _____, __ __, ____ ___ `=/ / || /||\\ /|| // ` // ` .|. COHERENT /|| /||_\\_ /|| ||-- \\__ --X------------------ || || \\ ||____, \\ \\ '|` COMICS UNINC `--. `--. `--. `-----, `---' `___// #3 - "Alternate Darkness 1: Debut Album" Copyright 1995 by Dave Van Domelen \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\/\/////////////////////////////////// ///////////////////////////////////\/\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ [Cover shows a twisted version of Kid Kirby blasting the LNH into unconsciousness. In the background is a twisted Lurking Girl, a strange figure on a pogo stick and what looks like it might be a misshapen Sm*rf. "Also: Kooks of Magic Conclusion!"] ######################################################################## The Chastizer frowned. In the past 15 hours, there had been 5 posts to alt.comics.lnh, NONE of them on topic. Well-meaning relief organizations, phone sex scammers, discussion of self-publishing...none of it pertained to the LNH. As he pondered the chances of a gentle warning having any effect, he was startled to see a ragged figure fall out of a tear in space, accompanied by a thin coating of what could only be SPHAM JHELLY. "All dead..." he gasped, coughing as he inadvertantly inhaled some of the insidious JHELLY. "Called himself... GAIN.... The Legion couldn't... stop him...all those deaths on my head, they trusted me to lead them...." The man passed out, his breath coming in slow, ragged bursts. This was not good. The Order was a group devoted to vengeance, it had little wherewithal to tend to those suffering from injuries other than burns and cuts. It would mean risking further revelation of his dual identity, but he sensed this man could be important to the fate of the Looniverse. Producing a slim, black staff topped with gleaming gold, the Chastizer waved it over the fallen man's shivering form and Edited him into the medical bay of the LNHQ. * * * * Doctor Stomper whirled about in surprise as the slime-covered man suddenly appeared on one of the med.thingies. "By the Sourcecode, that's Spham Jhelly! Computer, locate Organic Lass and have her come to the MedBay immediately," he shouted as he moved to get the special hazmat materials he'd need to remove the Jhelly. The man coughed up a gob of Jhelly and came to, looking up at the Professor of Pointing-Out. "Stomper, you're still alive! Did you escape as well?" Stomper paused. This man knew him, but he'd never seen the stranger before. The man noticed the confusion, and gasped, "Don't you recognize me? No...of course not...it must have sent me too far into the past. What day is it?" "Ah, given the recent difficulties with time travellers [See Flame Wars III], this is not surprising. Today is November 6, 1995." A look of horror appeared on the man's face. "But...that's today!" "Sir, it's obvious you've undergone serious trauma at the hands of some Sphammer. I hypothesize that you are from another reality entirely, travelling sideways in time instead of backwards. Perhaps the tragedy you suffered has been averted in our timeline." The man was now muttering to himself. "First I let Sig.Lad take his group to Sig.ago...look what happened. Then I convinced Rotanna to return to Net.ropolis, where she wasn't able to sense what her father was doing until it was too late...some Fearless Leader I turned out to be...." ########################################################################### Such were the events that unfolded not long ago in our Looniverse. The lone survivor of another Looniverse escaping into ours, as happens with what might be considered depressing frequency if I still had the capacity to be depressed...or feel any strong emotion. But such cares are not for me, for I am...A STRANGER. But what of this "Fearless Leader?" How did he come to lead the LNH in his reality, instead of the Ultimate NInja? Sometimes a seemingly minor change in one level of existence can send ripples across many others, and that was the case here. For in this other Looniverse, wReam lost access to the Net shortly after Cry.Sig. And without his energy, destructive as it sometimes was, the LNH soon foundered. Thus it fell to others to carry the banner.... ########################################################################### Sgt. Felix Landers stood at attention in the briefing room, waiting for General Principles to finish his telephone conversation. While he made a conscious effort to not eavesdrop on the General's words, his keen senses took in just about every other piece of information the room had to offer. In most respects, it was just one of many briefing rooms in the Net.agon, a fresh coat of paint on the walls, new furniture and fixtures, and so forth. In this era of budget slowdowns, it spoke of the General's importance that everything in here was new, rather than a year or two old. Felix's eyes pricked out the slight bump in one wall where a Sovi.net listening device had once been planted...perhaps it was still there, but hooked to a source of false sounds and information. The General hung up the secure line and fixed his gaze on Felix. Without looking down at the folder he held in his hand, he said, "Sergeant Landers, your record is nothing short of amazing. If the boys in the lab weren't sure you didn't have any powers, I'd say you were a net.hero already. You have the uncanny ability to take any group of soldiers and get incredible levels of performance out of them. Your performance in I.rec eliminating those Spud missiles was remarkable." Felix nodded in acknowledgement but gave no sign of pride or overconfidence. The General continued, "Understand, the assignment I have for you now is purely on a volunteer basis. It's potentially more hazardous than any conventional posting, both to your life and your career. But it's a job that needs doing, and I think you're the man for it. What do you know about the Legion of Net.Heroes?" "Only what I've read in the history books and seen in the news, sir. An intermittently-assembled group of superpowered individuals operating out of the LNHQ in Net.ropolis, a building that itself predates them for reasons no one is quite sure of. Since the so-called Cry.Sig incident, they've been largely inactive," Felix replied. General Principles slid a folder across the table to Felix. "Inactive and directionless, which has various people all the way up to President Bush worried. Even though most of them are fairly ineffectual, as you'll see from that roster, they do have some potent members. While the heavy hitters like Captain Continuity, Kid Kirby and Plot King have largely gone their own way, if the entire LNH decided to do something rash...such as wide-scale social engineering...the heavy hitters could possibly back them up. Officially, the position I'm offering you is government liason to the LNH. You'll keep an eye on them and make sure nothing gets started without us knowing about it. UNofficially," he stood up and leaned forward onto the table, "I want you to use that voodoo of yours to lead them. The LNH could be a great force for good instead of a social club of bored net.heroes, and I think you could help them make it there." "Permission to speak freely, sir?" "Of course." "What if the two missions conflict? What if, to effectively forge the Legion into this 'force for good,' I need to do things like 'wide-scale social engineering?'" Principles smiled and tapped Felix's service record. "A man's actions say a lot about him, Landers. You may not have all the 'right' political leanings, but you're definitely one of the good guys. You remind me of how I was at your age. That uniform," he stabbed a thick forefinger into Felix's chest, "MEANS something to men like us. Not just obedience and blind patriotism, but a real desire to serve our country...our countrymen. I'm confident that whatever you do will be the right thing, Sergeant. Now, review those files and get back to me tomorrow with your decision. No," he held up a hand as Felix started to speak, "I don't want an answer now, even though it's probably the answer I want to hear. Dismissed." Felix saluted and left the room with the files under his arm. * * * * "We initially considered inserting you under the cover identity of a gun-toting vigilante-type guy," began the technician, "but the psych boys decided that the backlash would be too great in the event of your cover being blown to risk it." Felix was walking through the corridors underneath the Net.agon, where the various shadowy government organizations maintained their research labs and other black projects. The old Hide In Plain Sight plan. He'd agreed to the assignment several days ago, and now was getting his final briefing before transport to Net.ropolis. "The suited 'I'm from the Government, I'm here to help you' approach was nixed too...too much chance they'd start shooting at you. So we decided to go with a mix of your standard Special Forces uniform and some net.hero costume elements. You'll have a mask, since that way we can replace you without it being as obvious if need be...such as if you're needed for another mission, or you get killed." The tech grinned weakly and Felix let a hint of amusement creep into his eyes. "Of course, we've done our best to make sure you don't get killed," he opened a door and pointed to the costume, currently dressing up a dummy. It was a skintight affair, with obvious armor plates and padding, and lots of external pouches. "The pouches work like ALICE [interchangeable military clips and pouches - Ed.] but we jazzed up their look a bit. You may need to rearrange some of them for comfort and utility, of course. The suit itself is an experimental armor cloth reinforced with thick kevlar pads in vital areas, and looks somewhat like fatigues. Of course, it's skintight, largely because we find the armorcloth works better that way. The headset should let you access standard cell phone networks as well as any comm systems the LNH has. Finally, here's your sidearm," the tech picked up what looked like an assortment of pipes and tubing with a few handles. "This is the Ballistic/Incendiary/Gauss General Utility Neutralizer, or BIGGUN. It packs enough firepower to make the hardcases you might run into pause, but not a whole lot of shots, so try to stay out of any extended firefights. Of course, you're just a liason, so this shouldn't be a problem." Felix hefted the BIGGUN in one hand. It was surprisingly light for its size, but still rather ungainly. He made a mental note to look into specialized rounds for his .45 so that he wouldn't have to lug this monster around all the time. "So, let's get you fitted into your uniform, and then we can put you on that plane for Net.ropolis," chirped the tech. * * * * He'd read all the files, but he still wasn't prepared for the reality of the LNHQ. All at once it was majestic, full of history and importance...and also silly and mundane, with Legionnaires sitting around eating pizza and watching afternoon cartoons or reading comics. It was like a fraternity had set up shop in the Lincoln Memorial. "Hi, I'm..." Felix began. "Oh, a new member?" said Sidewinder, looking up from a half-finished model he was building. "Fill out the forms at the desk and grab one of the empty quarters, then...well, whatever." "No, I mean...." "Hey, are you the pizza guy? What happened to Malcolm?" said Multi- Tasking Man as he finished the model Sidewinder had abandoned, cleared off a space large enough to hold a pizza and set the VCR to tape Next Generation. "I'm the...." "DUDE! Gnarly, like, costume. Lemme guess, yer Image Dude!" interjected California Kid. "Of course, this means we're about to get attacked by the Power Liefeld or something," added Irony Man. "Maybe he's a net.villain?" asked Fuzzy, uncertain of Felix's status. "No, Liefeldian net.villains always attack right away after posing, he's far too sedate for that. Not to mention, his head is the proper size for his body," interjected Doctor Stomper. Felix could see which way this was going, and thumbed his BIGGUN onto the "Loud Noise But No Other Effect" setting and pulled the trigger. BOOM! Everyone fell silent and a few jaws dropped as heads swiveled in his direction. "Thank you. Now, while I have your attention, I'm your government liason, Sgt. Landers. This outfit is for protection in case I'm around when net.villains attack." Irony Man's Irony Detector blared loudly just before the building rocked with an explosion. * * * * In seconds, most of the LNH had emptied out onto the lawn surrounding the LNHQ, and were mainly running around in confusion with no clear plan. A few were trying to shoot the figure flying around above the building, but were having no effect. The strange figure, for his part, was riding some kind of Kirbytech pogo stick and firing blasts from it at the LNHQ, shooting more for effect and visible destruction than any real damage. "Where's Rebel Yell?!?" Felix shouted over the sound of energy bolts and crumbling masonry. Squid Boy dodged a flying chunk of concrete and answered, "No one knows! He left on some mission a few days ago, seems to have dropped out of continuity entirely!" (Well, looks like I get to try leading this bunch sooner than I expected,) Felix thought grimly as he set his BIGGUN for maximum concussion. "Irony Man! Fuzzy! Sardonic Boy! Get inside and try to dig up some heavy weaponry! Multi-Tasking Man and Doctor Stomper, try to get ahold of Kid Kirby or one of the other cosmic members! I'll distract the attacker!" "Sure thing, *Fearless Leader*," sneered Sardonic Boy as he floated back into the LNHQ behind the others. Felix ignored the jab. There wasn't time to worry about bruised feelings, his or the LNH's. Bruised bodies were far more imminent. CHOOMCHOOMCHOOM! A triple-tap from the BIGGUN caught the attacker's attention all right. He grinned lopsidedly, his mouth a pit of smoldering fire just as his skin seemed to be charred under that armor. "What do you want?!?" Felix shouted, waving for Squid Boy to get behind some better cover and take the others with him. Most of the LNH were "soft" targets, not capable to taking the punishment this crispy guy was dishing out. Felix wasn't too sure he could either. The figure's grin widened and his voice rasped forth like the hissing of coals in a dying fire. "To ssserve the massster...dessstroy the Legion!" As he turned to face Felix, he could see that the BIGGUN had had almost no effect on the villain's armor. And fire probably wouldn't have any more effect on the charred husk inside. The moment of quiet threat was broken by a volley of scientifically implausible energies emerging from one of the many holes in the side of the LNHQ. Irony Man's armor servos whined under the strain of carrying the Megacannon that Sardonic Boy was firing. The armored foe whipped around and launched his own implausible energies at the net.heroes, but his aim was thrown off by a shot on his pogo stick from Felix's BIGGUN. (This is no good...I have no way to communicate with those out of earshot, the few combat-ready members on the team are missing, and nothing we have can put a dent in this guy!) thought Felix. Suddenly, Squid Boy was launching himself through the air on his flight.thingy, carrying a gleaming Plot Device in his hands. "Squid Boy! NO! It's suicide!" Felix shouted. Squid Boy turned just before impact and shouted back, "Suicide's what this Squid does best!" Then the Plot Device detonated and everything went white. ============================================================================== Author's Notes: I'm not sure how many issues this arc will run, but there'll be at least two more parts. For those who haven't been following the LNH since its inception, one of the first things I wrote independent of the add-on system was the Kinda Big Darkness Saga, a parody of the LSH's Great Darkness Saga. Those who have read the KBDS, don't expect things to turn out the same way. Keep in mind that without wReam, Sig.Lad wouldn't have come about when he did (wReam bestowed the name upon me), and Sig.Lad was a major part of the original story. Next issue, the Savants of Darkness will start hitting the Loonivearth even harder, and the LNH's own heavy hitters will be called in to fight the menace posed by these new foes. And perhaps some heavy hitters not part of the LNH.... And now, as a special cross-title treat (largely because it's not looking like Dvandom Force #59's gonna be out any time real soon), I present the final part of the Kooks of Magic backup story. ============================================================================= KOOKS OF MAGIC A Rotanna Solo Story Guest-starring the VAXX Part Eleven Sometimes it just doesn't feel like you're responsible for what you've done, you know? Sometimes it's like your choices were ordained from the very start, and all the freedom you had was in how to say your lines, how to hold your body when you do the deed. Herded into a maze from which there is no escape, and where all paths lead to the center and the minotaur within. Other times, though, you do have a choice. You know your options and you set things in motion. Then things take on a life of their own, and you see the consequences of your decision rolling inexorably towards their ends without any further help from you. This has a tendency to distance you from the results. *You* didn't pull the trigger or issue the pinkslip or push the button. You didn't even directly give the order to the person who did. It just doesn't feel like your fault. My situation isn't nearly so impersonal as that, but it still feels like I've given up responsibility. A split second ago, I started swinging this sword in an arc which won't end until well after it has liberated my father's (he's not my father anymore!) head from his body. I can feel my arms relaxing as the sword swings, in that odd time dilation that kicks in during moments of extreme stress. I know that even if I do nothing more, the sword will describe its arc, it will behead dad (GAIN! He's GAIN, not dad!). In fact, my leverage is so bad at this moment I probably couldn't stop it if I tried. See? The consequences have taken on a life of their own, I'm no longer responsible, I'm just a witness. You tell yourself things like this while you're murdering someone you love (LOVED). Did Squidman (killer) go through this as he watched the arrow drift painfully slowly towards Sig.Lad? Odd, how...his (Gain's, not dad's) face doesn't seem to register any fear. Bemusement, perhaps, peeking out from under his previous expression of arrogant confidence. I'm not giving him time to be afraid (what if he has nothing to fear?). Was there another way? (There is *always* another way!) Maybe he was lying about being impervious to pain. Maybe a slice at his shoulder would have sent him into shock. Maybe maybe maybe. Too late for maybes. The blade is biting (not my doing, the blade's at fault) into his neck now. Oddly, no blood seems to be coming from the wound. His heart beats. Blood spatters out in a bright crimson arc as the sword continues its journey through his neck. I feel a soft spattering on my arms and face (how did it hit me all the way over here? I'm not actually killing him!). The sword finishes traversing his neck and starts to pull me around. My eyes are locked with his (Gain's)...with my FATHER'S eyes...as long as I can keep my head from whipping around. His head rises slightly. The sword is so thin and so sharp that it was like that old trick of movie swashbucklers where the candles would be cut and not fall until the actor tapped them or blew on them...but a human body isn't rigid like a candelabra and it starts to topple, letting the head fall away on its own path to the ground. Just before I lose sight of his head.... He winks at me. Then he was out of view and time returned to its normal measured march. I dropped the sword and fell to my knees, exhausted more emotionally then physically. Suppressing a strong urge to retch, I forced myself to look at the body, make sure it wasn't still moving, ensure that he hadn't become some golem, soulless monster able to move even while decapitated. Both eyes were open. (He didn't wink, see? His eyes are open.) Blood trickled out slowly, then stopped entirely, coagulating faster than any human humor. The spray of red on my clothes and body had already turned the black of clotted blood. Sickened, I picked up the sword and staggered out of the room, looking for an exit. A piece of paper stuck to my shoe, and I picked it up. "Lynk Management Group." His Spham that would have destroyed the Net. Despite myself, I feel a smile creeping across my face. Sometimes irony can be too delicious, right? And since I really can't call myself Rotanna anymore, why not something that'll rub his face in my victory just in case he isn't dead after all? Time to make a few changes, undo some mistakes. Rotanna quit the team because she couldn't understand Squidman's decision. Well, now I...Lynk understands it. And there's really nothing to keep me away from them anymore, is there? First, though, I really should find VAXX and make sure he's okay. Ah, there's a door. I wonder what time it is outside? Never mind, it's dawn in here.... -- END -- ============================================================================ More Author's Notes: Lynk will be returning to the team in issue 61, as you'll certainly agree things are too hectic for the main team right now for her to drop by for a visit, eh? This whole Kooks of Magic story grew out of a few loose ends from issues 48-50. Rotanna had quit partly because I really couldn't think of anything to do with her, and I had this VAXX guy around for a one-off gag to help get the Bunzai box into DeFacto's hands (or whatever he has). But as I watched more of the MTV MAXX series and read some of the comics, I decided I'd like to do more than a one-shot gag on it, and looked around for a Julie. Came to me pretty quickly that Rotanna fit the bill. Of course, this story doesn't simply ape the first arc of the MAXX, it touches on the source material and then bounces off, while pulling in influences from other places, like Squalor, Altered States and the Order of St. Doomas. And by the end I'd given Anna more of a background, and hopefully more of a personality, just in time to ignore her (and most of the cast, actually) for a Kid Macro Year One arc starting in issue 62 (titled "Born To Be Run" in homage to Mark Waid's first arc on Flash).