[We now return to RACC Soup from commercial. This is Part 2. If you have not read Part 1 yet, well, go read it already!] "Welcome back to RACC Soup, I'm your host, Acton Lord," Action Lord smirked, as the name "Action Lord" appeared at the bottom of the screen. "Ha! Gotcha!" Then the name changed to "Snookums." "Sigh. This Tonight Show clip from the Looniverse shows that at least *some* of the weirdos who live there have their priorities in order. In a segment which I'm told is actually in what passes for continuity for the LNH, Fan.Boy and his new bride demonstrate that the best superpower of all is love...and the ability to look good in skimpy leather outfits!" -----------------------------Tonight Show clip------------------------------- The applause died down, and Jay Leno turned from Fan.Boy to talk to the other guest on the couch, the Red Leather. "So, Red Leather," Jay opened. "Can I call you Red?" "Certainly," Red replied, smiling. "So, Red, before you married Fan.Boy, you were living a life of evil. What caused you to take that up?" "Well, Jay, mainly it was because of my powers..." "Which are?" Jay prompted. "The ability to teleport to the largest supply of leather in a one mile radius. It's not much, but it works for me." Red wiggled in her seat, showing off her body in a skimpy leather red outfit, with much approving cheering from the crowd. "I had to do something with my powers, and figured the LNH wouldn't want me..." "And yet they took Easily Discovered Man Lite," Jay pointed out, with laughter following. The audience remembered the previous night's Politically Incorrect, apparently. Red nodded. "So I turned to crime. Not much, just stealing, but enough to annoy people." "And then you met Fan.Boy?" Jay prodded. "I met several LNHers," Red replied. "Mainly they were trying to stop me. Fan.Boy was the only one who actually seemed to want to meet me for me." "I think we can see why," Jay leered. People laughed while Fan.Boy blushed. "It wasn't like that," he protested, but Jay waved him down. "Anyway, Fan.Boy kept meeting with me, even when I wasn't committing crimes, and we fell in love." The crowd "aawwww"ed. "After marrying him, crime just wasn't that interesting." Red Leather and Fan.Boy leaned towards each other and kissed, while the audience cheered loudly. When they came up for air, Jay asked Fan.Boy. "So, is this the end for the Ultimate Fan? Are you dedicating yourself to only one person to be a fan of?" "Oh, I'm still a fan of all the LNHers and villains," Fan.Boy replied. "But there's one who really counts." "And I'm sure the Ultimate Ninja will be so disappointed," said Jay, his sarcasm meeting with laughter again. Fan.Boy smiled. "I'm sure he'll get over it." "I'm sure I could change his mind if he didn't," Red Leather cooed seductively, with more cheers and laughs. "Red, do you have any words of advice for any other budding young criminals out there?" Jay asked. "Certainly. Try to find a hero that cares about you. Love is the best way to change your life. But try that with my husband, and I'll kill you," Red Leather said, with a final outburst of cheers and applause. ----------------------------------end clip----------------------------------- "Ooooh yeah, baby. Beat me, whip me, make me host bad basic cable shows!" Action Lord drooled. "Mary Sue never looked so good." Pause. "Isn't she just so adorable when she threatens mass murder?" Pause. Sigh. "John?" came a voice from off camera. "Wake up!" Action Lord snapped to attention. "Oh, sorry. Cut to promo already!" A picture of Jay Leno's smiling face and zoned-for-residental-use chin came up on the screen. "Next Tuesday, Jay's gonna have several thousand Oozelfinches on the show. They aren't the scheduled guests, but I'm told they're going to be on anyway." The promo screen flicked back to Action Lord, who was looking mildly concerned and otherwise like he'd just gone into toxic shock. "Well, I hope he, ah, Scotchguards the couches or something. Those birds are really hell (TM) on furniture." Suddenly, trumpets blared, slightly off key. "It's time for the RACC Soup Quote of the Week!" Action Lord shouted, accompanied by the musical sting. "This week's quote comes from Good Morning Ame.rec.a, during a special segment by guest host Cheesecake-Eater Lad, filming in Phila.Delphi.com. His guest in 'Truth, Dare or Cheesecake' is Alt.Riders member Softcentre. Softcent-reeee. Those wacky Kiwis and their Canadian spelling...." ------------------------Good Morning Ame.rec.a clip-------------------------- "Roast beef cheesecake?" repeated Softcentre, disbelievingly. ---------------------------------end clip------------------------------------ "Yes, a mixture of cheesecake and beefcake all in one package! Sounds like a Springer guest, doesn't it?" The promo screen popped up. "Monday on Good Morning Ame.rec.a, Doctor Stomper will be answering questions mailed in by the home audience. The answers may not make sense, but you can be sure they'll be authoritative!" Then the Limbaugh Man promo popped up again for a moment. "AIE! Stop that, will ya?" Action Lord whimpered. The promo went away. "For anyone just tuning in, this is RACC Soup," Action Lord chirped, the horror of Limbaugh Man forgotten with the help of a beer he'd just opened, "the show where you don't have to enjoy the pain and suffering of others, but it helps. Case in point, this Conan highlight from the ASH Universe. The Godmarket has been in full swing for a few months now, the Norse pantheon pretty much has Manhattan sewn up, and they're looking to take advantage of the television shows based there to spread their sphere of influence. But never let it be said that working for a common cause ever stopped infighting, especially in this contentious group of gods." Action Lord paused to take a chug from his beer, then wiped his mouth and continued. "Against the advice of his media handlers, Thor has come on Late Night to try and woo the viewers over to his worship. He figures that since Conan is a Balder-worshipper and Thor and Balder are good buds, the pasty Irish lad will go easy on the jokes at Thor's expense. Yeah, right. To add to the fun, apparently Loki managed to impersonate the program director and got into the broadcast booth. Let's watch as the fun reaches a fever pitch!" ----------------------Late Night with Conan O'Brien clip--------------------- "...er, okay Thor. No need to get like that," Conan smiled nervously as the lightning crackled around Thor's hammer, Mjolnir. "Why don't you show the audience and the folks at home what you can do?" Smugly, Thor replied, "I would, Conan, but even the merest expression of my power would destroy the entire studio and slay the audience." The audience erupted in peals of laughter, some of it mocking. "What?" Thor started to stand. "Oh, someone accidentally hit the 'Laugh' sign button," Andy explained, starting to reach out to put a restraining hand on the thunder god's shoulder, then thinking better of it. "Hush!" Conan hissed at Andy. "We don't have a 'Laugh' sign. Our audiences are completely spontaneous," he said in mock-earnestness. "Oh, yeah," Andy put his finger to his chin in a play of contrition. "My bad." Thor, not quite sure how to react, decided to go ahead with the rest of what was obviously a scripted and rehearsed line. "Er, because my might cannot be contained in this mere structure, I brought a clip." "Oh, goody! A clip! We love clips!" Andy effused. "Right, because they fill time when we might otherwise have to work," Conan added. "Liz, could you roll Thor's clip?" The TV screen descended so that Conan and his guest could see the clip, and then the view shifted to the clip itself. It was a variant of the infamous "Max on Max" fake porno movie gag from a few seasons back, but with Thor's head digitally superimposed on Max's body. Quick cut back to the studio, where Thor has just put his fist through the monitor. "What is the meaning of this?" he bellowed. Andy's face showed an obvious conflict between the urge for self- preservation and the urge to make some kind of crack about Thor having very interesting powers indeed. "Hey, big guy, calm down," Conan stammered, fumbling in his jacket for something. He pulled out a runestone and held it out without looking at it. "Remember, I'm a believer?" he asked, a weak smile on his face. Thor peered at the stone, which had a rune which looked vaguely like the letter F, but with the horizontal parts sloped down. "This...is...Loki's...rune..." Thor growled. Lightning slammed down all over the studio, and the cameras went black. ----------------------------------end clip----------------------------------- "...the FCC can BITE...er, Hi, viewers! Don't worry, Conan survived this little snafu, since Loki had merely cast an illusion over the rune of protection Balder had given Conan. His hair stood up even more than usual for a while, though. Too bad for Conan that he and most of Manhattan didn't make it to the Fall season, as readers of the 2023-era continuity know," Action Lord grinned. "That wacky Conan...still, while he may have survived the wrath of an angry thunder god, as this clip from the Omega Universe shows, that mouth of his is gonna get him in trouble regardless of the world he's on." ----------------------Late Night with Conan O'Brien clip--------------------- "...because, of course, Andy and I *are* secret lovers," Conan reminded everyone for the third time that night. It was a running gag that had pretty much gone nowhere in the past and was still failing tonight, but it was only buying time for the "good stuff." The camera fixed on Conan and he looked seriously at the audience and said, "But enough frivolity. Tonight we're going to do something a little special. This is Andy's favorite bit, actually..." "I'm so easy to please." "I've heard. Our crack research team, through a complicated process known only to them and God, are able to examine the very genetic material of famous celebrities and determine what they're offspring would look like. We call it, 'If They Mated.'" "Actually," Andy noted, "we just shamelessly cram the photographs of two people together on a computer to get the most hideous looking results." "Shh," Conan admonished. "You're gonna spoil everything for the children! The innocent children." "There isn't a Santa Claus either." "I think we've done enough damage here, friend. Let's get to the first victim-er-subjects. This is going to be a special 'If They Mated,' tonight folks, because tonight is our special Omega edition." (Audience cheers.) "Yes, we will be insulting powerful beings at the risk of our own lives. Anyways, as many of you know now, the couple of Overwoman Anne Benson and SEEKER Thomas Morgan has been a hot item lately." (On the screen, pictures of Avatar and Anne appear. Avatar's face is stone solid, apparently from some formal SIRECOM photo shoot. Anne has an angry scowl on her face, apparently the subject of paparazzi.) "What we wanted to know was, 'What would happen...if they mated.' Let's see...." (The pictures are replaced with an unflattering combination of their faces that looks something like unhappy Neanderthal man with a high forehead and long blonde hair.) "Ugh. Are you sure that isn't Overdog?" Andy asked. "No, we researched it quite carefully, Andy. Now, some of you may have noticed that before the Tisaradon ex-wresting champion Isaac 'Stingray' Warner was getting rather friendly with SEEKER Michelle 'Armor' Thomas." (Picture or Isaac from his younger wrestling days, complete with face paint, appears. Next to it is Armor's public file mug shot.) "Boy, those SEEKERs certainly seem to be getting around," Andy quipped. "You'll probably die for that Andy. Anyways, by sheer innuendo, because that's all we need here, we'd like to see what would happen if these two got together." (Image of what seems to be mostly Michelle's face, but with Isaac's face paint. The skin apppears to be made of some metallic substance.) "Very colorful." "Yes, quite a collage, isn't it? Next, it has been rumored that the Omega porn star Richard 'Semi-Plastic Man' Pound has been romancing centerfold queen Wendy Walker." (Images of a rather homely, unshaven man and a semi-attractive but overly made-up woman appear on the screen.) "Such a wholesome couple," Andy noted. "They were made for each other." "Shush. I'm sure you'll be able to buy the videotapes of it actually happening in the near future, but here's what the child would look like if they mated." (Image of Tammy Faye Baker appears on screen. Conan and Andy both scream.) "It begins again!" Andy cried. "Shiva was easy, friend. Well, now for the inevitable. The point where we insult the two most powerful beings in the galaxy and get our asses pounded." "You don't mean..." "Yes. Tempest and Rene 'Tarot' Johnson." (Pitures of Eric and Rene appear on the screen.) "These are the representatives of the collective unconscious power of both Human and Harrakin races and perhaps the most capable of frying my skinny little ass. But, the world is all burning to know, what will the child look like? We have to know." "We must know!" "Liz, show us!" (Image of Jesus coming out of the clouds with a beam of radiant light behind him. Ethereal music plays.) "Wow," Andy said in awe. "It's truly mystifying, isn't it? That just about..." Suddenly, the entire set exploded in a ball of green flame, leaving only Max Weinberg, the world's happiest drummer, as a survivor to the catastrophe. ----------------------------------end clip----------------------------------- "What could have happened to Conan and Andy? Did Tammy Faye blast them? Was the cybernetic Overdog insulted by the comparison to Benson and Morgan's love child? Well, we here at RACC Soup have our own little theory, something we shot earlier today...." --------------------------------Cheesy Sketch-------------------------------- The screen went all wavy and segued to a room with a small television set in it. The caption read, "Meanwhile on Harra Prime." "Wasn't that a little extreme, Eric?" an intern dressed as Rene asked, looking down at the now static-filled TV that Jimmy had sent the couple. "I doubt it," replied Action Lord, badly dressed as Tempest. Suddenly, the entire set exploded in a ball of green flame, obviously lifted from the previous clip, leaving Action Lord blackened around the edges like a cartoon character. "Owie." ---------------------------------end sketch---------------------------------- The scene shifted back to the RACC Soup set, with the stage manager poking at Action Lord's face where the makeup was flaking off to reveal scorched skin underneath. "Quit it!" Action Lord whined. "Go to promo already." The promo screen popped up. "Thursday, on Late Night with Max Weinberg, Max will be interviewing his old boss, Bruce Springsteen. Ya don't suppose Bruce is an Omega, do ya?" Back to the set, where Action Lord was putting on a few dozen bandages. "When we get back, it'll be time for our RACC Soup Clip of the Week!" [fade to commercial] A man struggles heroically through deserts, oceans, and steamyhot jungles. A voiceover starts to speak. "Are you tired of failure? Are you convinced that somewhere inside of you, there's a secret power just waiting to come out?" Scenes of various Omegas flying, smashing things, and otherwise enjoying superhuman abilities flash across the screen under this. "Are you tired of listening to the old-fashioned ways that promise you a complete understanding of the human condition, yet ignore the insights of the modern day?" the voice continues over more insert scenes, some from the Invasion, the Fix Crisis, the Tempest-Kali fight in Times Square, and even Overman from Altamont. "Then read K. Randall Hazzard's OMEGAOLOGY: The Basics of Being, and unlock that hidden power within you." The scene shifts back to the man in the first sequence. He tears his clothes off, revealing red and green Overman-esque costume, and flies off beaming. As the camera focuses on the gleaming sun, the voiceover concludes, "K. Randall Hazzard's OMEGAOLOGY - It's the Magic of Understanding." The words "Available at fine bookstores everywhere for $6.95" flash on the screen, which than fades to black. [Back to RACC Soup!] "Welcome back to RACC Soup, where it's not the heat, it's the stupidity," Action Lord grinned in a lopsided manner. "MTV's Loveline program gets its share of weird callers in any reality, but when it's a superheroic universe, things get even stranger. And when it's the LNH Looniverse? Well, let's just say that while it may not be sick, it's probably twisted. They're able to leap tall buildings in a single bound, change the course of mighty rivers with their bare hands, ignore anything short of a bursting shell...but are the love lives of metahumans as super as they are? In this Looniversal Loveline segment, a caller seems to be having trouble with his powers. And I thought *steroids* were bad for ya! So now, without further ado, ladies and gentlemen, pre-ops and post-ops, here's the RACC Soup Clip of the Week!" Action Lord finished, with a musical fanfare. ------------------------------Loveline clip---------------------------------- "Our next caller prefers to keep his identity secret," Dr. Drew said, leaning forwards in his couch as if that would help him hear the call, broadcast over large speakers through the entire studio, better. "Uh-oh," Adam smirked. "You know it's a real freak-job when he won't even give a first name. I mean, considering some of the people we get who are willing to show their faces." Special guest Lass Lad shushed the always-innuendo-laden Adam. "You hush, mister. It's not nice to call people freak-jobs." "Come on, it may be 'innocent until proven perverted,' but it's a safe bet that anyone who calls us up and won't even give a fake name has problems," Adam smirked. Ignoring his sidekick, Dr. Drew said, "Go ahead, caller. What's your problem?" An electronically-altered voice came over the speakers, a little hard to make out at first. "Er, well, right now I'm not in a relationship, but there's someone I'm interested in. Thing is, when I get too excited, er, I turn steel-hard." "I don't see a problem," Adam shrugged. "At least you won't need Emacsagra. Were you raised fundie or something?" "Somehow I don't think that's quite what he means," Dr. Drew frowned. "Could you clarify, caller?" "Well, I mean that my entire body is covered in metal when I get too excited," the voice buzzed. "And you're worried about hurting your girlfriend, presuming it works out?" Lass Lad asked. "Um, that too, but the real problem is that, well, the metal coating kinda washes out details. I look like the movie award statue guy." Comprehension dawned on Adam, and his face simultaneously lit up and screwed into a moue of distaste. "He goes smooth as a Ken doll!" ---------------------------------end clip------------------------------------ "Doctor Drew ended up recommending some relaxation techniques, and Adam suggested a good sculptor." The view switched to the promo screen. "Monday on Loveline, Doctor Drew, Adam, Diane and a celebrity guest will talk about...you guessed it...sex." Back to the studio, Action Lord leaned back in his chair and finished his beer. "Be sure to tune in next week, for another installment of RACC Soup, with new host Roger Lodge. At least, until I get around to collecting him, too. Ah, basic cable hosts...one of nature's most renewable resources! See ya!" Action Lord tossed his script into the air, where it flickered in and out against the cheap bluescreening, then dove off screen. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- "Say..." Stan started. "Was that...?" "No," Shane snapped. ============================================================================= Author's Notes: Talk Soup is a show on the E! Entertainment Network on basic cable (http://www.eonline.com) which features clips sent in by various talk shows, plus commentary and cheesy sketches. John Henson is the current regular host, and he took over from Greg Kinnear a few years ago. Action Lord is a character from the early days of the LNH, when a typo could create a new character. People kept spelling "Acton Lord" as "Action Lord," so I eventually created Action Lord, the embodiment of the Weekend Warrior. He possessed people and caused them to do foolish things like play basketball on the weekend and pull a muscle. Shortly after the Bellerophon Gambit, he vanished into the collection of the Fan.Dom of the Alt.Ra (an old-time LNH villain who collected people instead of comics) and pretty much wasn't seen again. Ironically, Acton Lord is now so much better known that when I announced that Action Lord would be hosting the show, several people assumed I was talking about Acton Lord, typo-ing in the opposite direction. =====CREDITS===== I wrote all of the connecting pieces. Here's a run down of who wrote which clip, and a little explanation of both the characters and the show, where applicable. Crazy Guy on Prime Time Country: by Dave Van Domelen. Crazy Guy is the star of my Superguy series of the same name. He's an altiversal twin of Jackie Chan, raised in a world where bad kung fu movies formed the basis of reality. Prime Time Country and its host are explained reasonably well in the clip introduction. Well, at least as well as I can explain it, since I don't watch TNN. Easily-Discovered Man Lite on Politically Incorrect: by Rob Rogers. EDMLite is the sidekick of Easily-Discovered Man, from the LNH series of the same name, which Rob hasn't written much of lately, hence the gag of the clip. Politically Incorrect is a half hour late-night panel discussion show, covering current topics with a panel of both serious and comedic figures. Limbaugh Man Show: by Saxon Brenton. Limbaugh Man is one of several net.villains in the LNH Looniverse based on politically-controversial figures. The Century Pact he's talking about is the storyline which ran from #73-84 of Dvandom Force, specifically the actions of Kid Pocky/Acton Lord in #83-84. 10-666 Ad: by Dave Van Domelen. Inspired by a comic strip in the Lantern, the Ohio State University's campus paper, which started out as a 10-321 ad and then had the star of the strip smash the phones into little bits with a mallet. Pacific Hell (TM) is a running gag from my Crazy Guy series. Strangers In The Night: by Dave Van Domelen. The Dvandom Stranger is one of my older characters, a parody of the all-knowing-secretive cosmic meddler type. Vampires on Jerry Springer: by Ted Brock. Vampires in the Starfall Universe work differently, it seems. The characters come from Ted's series "Blood Ties," and are not all acting in-character. Especially the vampire hunter. Jerry Springer is the king of trash TV right now, and has said when interviewed by Conan O'Brien, "My show is plain stupid!" He usually grabs the Clip of the Day and Clip of the Week honors, but not always. Viewer Mail: by Dave Van Domelen. The animals taking on human forms gag is from the Shadowfist/Feng Shui gaming universe, which I've written a few fanfics in (http://www.physics.ohio-state.edu/~dvandom/fist.html). Omni-Cape ad: by NuklearMan, writer of the UBER imprint. Except he spells it with an umlaut, which comes out all funky on my 7-bit reader. Fan.Boy on Tonight Show: by Jamas Enright. Fan.Boy is an LNH character who could read any newsgroup, and could speak in &%^$%^-type characters, stunning people. He turned into the Net.Elementalist for the Alt.Riders series...or did he? The Tonight Show with Jay Leno is one of the biggies, I don't think I need to explain it further. }-> The Quote of the Week comes from a clip Jamas submitted but which didn't really work out. Still, the out-of-context quote fit the spirit of the Quote of the Week, so I used it. Thor on Late Night: by Dave Van Domelen. In my ASH Universe, various pagan gods returned in force in 1997 and started using modern marketing methods to try and gain worshippers. On July 6, 1998, they will call in their markers and drain the lives of most of the people on Earth as their eternal conflict rages anew, setting off the cataclysm which is the backdrop for the ASH Universe of the 2020s. Conan O'Brien is another of the biggies, despite his self-deprecating humor to the contrary. OMEGA Late Night: by Chad Imbrogno. Chad is one of the OMEGA writers, the author of Covenant. And if I'd gotten this together right after being sent the clip, I could have had Overdog's first appearance. }-> The green flame is a manifestation of Tempest's powers, and of his irritation, in this case. "If They Mated" is a regular feature on Late Night, usually starting with simple merging of two faces, then building to totally off-the-wall results which have nothing to do with morphing images of the putative parents. OMEGAOLOGY Ad: by Badger (aka Matthew Rossi III). An OMEGA Universe parody of all those annoying Dianetics ads which plague basic cable. "Unnamed Caller" on Loveline: by Dave Van Domelen. Shane Boxer is a member of Dvandom Force, but vehemently denies being the caller. Loveline is a call-in/audience-participation show on MTV which answers questions about sex from the basic to the outre. Regular hosts are Dr. Drew, Adam Corolla and Diane Farr, and there's usually a guest or five as well. [And now for Fashion Emergency....(CLICK)]