"Man, I'm beat," Shane sighed as he sunk gratefully into the couch in the TV room, next to Stan and the VAXX. "Shifting all that rubble by hand to check for survivors in the Century Pact base took a lot out of me." "You had it easy," Stan snorted. "I got to deal with all the red tape. I think shifting mountains of quartzite would have been easier. Hey, where's the remote?" "VAXX has it," Shane nodded towards the hulking monitor-headed figure. "Oh well, I'm too tired to care what's on anyway..." Stan sighed as the commercial break ended and the show started.... ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- DVANDOM _____ ______ _____ _______ LOOSE ENDS EPILOGUE [ ]__ [ ] [] [ ]__)) [ ] ` [ ]__ Annual #2 - "RACC Soup" [ ] [ ] [] [ ] \\ [ ] [ ] copyright 1998 Dave Van Domelen [_] [_]__[] [_] \\ [_]___/ [_]____ and a cast of, well, seven. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Bright, if slightly off-beat theme music started up and a computer mouse (the one-button Mac variety) appeared on the screen, sitting in a bowl with the words "RACC Soup" floating in it. A hand reached out in jerky photo animation and clicked the mouse button. The mouse was replaced by the words "Politically Incorrect," then the scene shifted to a short clip from that show, with Easily-Discovered Man Lite gasping, "You're comparing me to David Caruso?" Another click sound, and the bowl reappeared with "Tonight Show." Scene shift, and a woman in skimpy red leather said, "But try that with my husband, and I'll kill you." Click. Bowl. "Late Night." A burly man dressed like a viking said, "Er, because my might cannot be contained in this mere structure, I brought a clip." The mouse reappeared, and the hand once again reached out to click it, bringing up the host, sitting in a chair against a bluescreen background on which was projected a number of colored mouse shadows drifting about. The host was a thin, slightly goofy man with a dark hair, except for an odd white patch over his right ear. And his face was shrouded in shadows which seemed to come from nowhere. "Hi!" he chirped. "It's time for the RACC Soup Weekend Edition, and I'm your host, Action Lord!" The words "Acton Lord" appeared at the bottom of the screen. "No, ACTION Lord. SOME people," he huffed as the "i" appeared in the tagline. "I caught your regular host, John Henson, while he was out golfing, and took over his body as part of my employer's plan to get a complete collection of cheesy basic cable talk show hosts. But the show must go on, so I'm taping this one last installment of RACC Soup, the program with clips from all your favorite talk shows across the rec.arts.comics.creative universes, before sealing Skunk-Boy here in mylar snugs for the Fan.Dom of the Alt.ra!" The second camera kicked in, and Action Lord turned to face it, grinning widely through the shadows which covered his face. "On today's program, we have talk show hosts getting what's coming to them, naked vampires and a new twist on the old 'Man of Steel, Woman of Kleenex' gag! But first, a clip from Prime Time Country in the 000SUPERGUY Altiverse! "Regular viewers will know that host Gary Chapman is a real daredevil, often placing his own life in jeopardy with ill-conceived stunts and general wackiness. But in this highlight, he seems to have met his match, when a chase scene interrupts the show while it's on location in L.A. And while you normally find disturbing situations involving small furry animals on Springer or Leeza, I'm sure Gary's cable viewership is familiar with the problem of overly assertive squirrels...." -------------------000SUPERGUY Prime Time Country clip----------------------- The camera was pointed up at the top of a bungee jump tower, and Gary Chapman's voice could be heard, somewhat muffled, over the radio mike he had clipped to his helmet. "So, the basic idea of this stunt is to jump down, dip the tortilla chip in the salsa and bounce back up, just like in the commercial, right Fred?" Gary asked the stunt coordinator who had set up the hairbrained stunt. "You got it, Gary. We were really careful to get exactly the right length of bungee cord...hope you didn't lie about your weight!" Gary chuckled nervously. Then, suddenly, he said, "Hey, someone's climbing up the tower! Cameraguy, could you swing down and get a picture?" The view panned down and zoomed in on an athletic man wearing a bandana with eyeholes over his face, leather wristbands, a t-shirt and shorts. He was frantically climbing the tower, and seemed to be pursued by rather small figures. "What's those things following him?" Gary asked. "They look like... squirrels?" Just then, the man reached the top of the tower and grabbed the bungee cord away from the man who was about to attach it to Gary's harness. "Excuse me," he said, his lips not moving to match his words. Then he jumped off the tower before anyone could react. "My God!" Gary gasped. "He's gonna get splattered!" "Maybe, maybe not," Fred replied as the man slowly fell through the air, the cord just starting to tighten. "He looks like a superguy I've seen on the news here, called Crazy Guy." As they spoke, the horde of red squirrels reached the top of the platform, streamed past Gary and his assistant, and started running nimbly down the bungee cord. Then Crazy Guy hit the ground. Hard. The cameras set up next to the salsa recorded a sickening crunching sound. Unfortunately for the squirrels, Crazy Guy then let go of the bungee cord he had wrapped around his arm, and it thwanged up like the loosed elastic band it was. Squirrels flew into the air as if ejected from a fountain, then started raining down on the area. Meanwhile, Crazy Guy unsteadily got up to his knees and put a finger in the salsa, then into his mouth. "HOTHOTHOTHOT!" he screamed as he hobbled off camera. --------------------------------end clip------------------------------------- "I've heard of it raining cats and dogs, but raining squirrels? Personally, I blame El Nin~o," Action Lord smirked. His image on the screen was replaced by a white screen with Gary Chapman's skinny face in a black and white photo in the upper left, the name "Prime Time Country" in the lower right, the RACC Soup logo in the upper right and "Tuesday: Mighty Muddy Power Grangers" across the bottom. "Gary's guests this Tuesday will be those confused and confusing superguys, the Mighty Muddy Power Grangers, who will be trying to help turn their image as hicks around by appearing on a country music station. God love 'em," Action Lord smiled as the camera returned to him, the too-white teeth of his host shining out through the shadows Action Lord generated over the face of anyone he took over. "Oh yeah, Gary...you're next on the shopping list..." Action Lord muttered under his breath. Action Lord snapped out of the psychotic trance and smiled. "Ambush journalism has been somewhat out of vogue in recent years, especially for talk shows. But never let it be said that Bill Maher learns from tragedy, as seen in this clip from the opening of Wednesday's 'Politically Incorrect.' Heck, he thrives on it!" --------------------------Politically Incorrect clip------------------------- "...and on the subject of 'What to Do When Your Fifteen Minutes of Fame Are Up,' my guests today are former 'C.H.i.P.s' star Erik Estrada (applause) former country music megahunk Billy Ray Cyrus (applause) former superhero sidekick Easily-Discovered Man Lite (smattering of applause) and former Australian comedy sensation Yahoo Serious (wild and sustained applause)." Easily-Discovered Man Lite, a disheveled-looking young man in a rumpled blazer, black T-shirt and jeans, leapt to his feet. "What! Maher, you louse! You told me the topic of this show was 'Hopping Down the Comeback Trail.'" "It's all right," Estrada said, laying a comforting hand on the sidekick's shoulder. "Sometimes it takes a while to get used to life after the spotlights dim and the crowd of adoring fans gets older and...odder." "And then the drinking begins," Cyrus muttered. "And the nightmares." "So," said the host, grinning, the tips of his fingers touching each other, "why don't we start out by asking the question I know is on all of your minds...who do you think will fade faster, the Spice Girls or Leonardo DiCaprio?" "I want to talk about this Carrot Top guy," Serious shouted. "I mean, does it bother anyone else that this guy has been riding my coattails for years? How far can you take an homage before..." "I can't believe this," Lite said, looking around. "I don't show up in an episode for a little while and I'm lumped in with you people? I'm not a has-been! I'll have you know I'm developing my own sitcom for the UPN network!" "And the voices," Cyrus continued. "The voices are the worst. 'Kill, Billy Ray,' they say. 'Show them, Billy Ray,' they scream. I hate the voices..." "Take it easy, Lite," the host grinned. "You were big for a while, and so was Billy Ray, and Erik and that...Yahoo, who's that guy who used to be on 'NYPD Blue' before Smits came on...?" "DAVID CARUSO!" Lite gasped. "You're comparing me to David Caruso?" "I mean, I have red hair, he has red hair," Serious said. "I'm wacky, he's wacky. But what I do is art, and what he does..." "Let me lay it on for you, Maher," Lite barked. "Dennis Miller. Chevy Chase. Arsenio Hall. Get the picture? In two years there'll be another host in your time slot and you'll be pitching 'Rold Gold' pretzels with Joan Rivers." "I'm afraid it's just about time for us to go to a commercial break," the host said. "Billy Ray...Billy Ray, put the serrated scissors down...." ----------------------------------end clip----------------------------------- "It could be worse, Lite...you could be hosting a loser clip show parody with lower ratings than most pirate stations. God, I hate my career...." Action Lord broke down in mock-sobbing for a few moments, than sat back up in his easy chair. "Sorry...Henson was showing through," Action Lord apologized. "During the commercial break, Easily-Discovered Man Lite was chained to his chair and dosed up with Prozac, making him a somewhat less interesting guest for the rest of the night, but safer as far as Maher was concerned. And Billy Ray Cyrus finished off the rest of the Prozac after being isolated from any sharp objects." The promo block came on the screen, with Bill Maher's smirking face. "Monday on Politically Incorrect, publisher Larry Flynt and women's rights activist Gloria Steinem will be on in a special steel cage match edition of the show. He may be stuck in a wheelchair, but thanks to the '.thingy' technology available in the Looniverse, Flynt can't be counted out!" "Our next clip comes from the Limbaugh Man Show on NNN, the Net.News Network, continuing the LNH Looniverse motif" Action Lord's shadowed features still somehow managed to convey distaste. "And comes, and comes, and comes. They keep sending it to us, every week since the show in question originally aired months ago. So we've finally caved in. HAPPY?" he asked the camera. "Why can't you people leave us alone?" he mock-wept. "Must you hound us day and night, never letting us have a moment's rest?" The host perked back up, casting aside the false emoting. "In this... highlight...from Limbaugh Man's current show, he picks up some of the issues which got him McLaughlin Man's job on Net.ropolis AM Live...since McLaughlin Man was put on leave for his involvement with them. Can Limbaugh Man manage to sink his own career? Let's watch!" -----------------------------Limbaugh Man clip------------------------------- "Welcome back to _Limbaugh Man_ on the Net.News Network," said Limbaugh Man. He turned to Lethal Lawyer, seated in the chair across from him. "So, what do you make of that 'Century Pact' thing from last night?" "Shocking," replied Lethal Lawyer, right on cue. "You'd think something would be done." "And well it should be," thundered Limbaugh Man, beginning to wax hyperbolic. "Countless lives lost, immense property damage, *then* the whole thing turns out to be a criminal prank...and does anybody get charged? Has there even been so much as a hint of a criminal investigation started? I mean, what in God's name is going on in this country? Are those jelly-kneed gutless liberal wimps in Washington.gov so scared of their own shadows that they can't even put into place proper laws to protect this country?" "And the funding to enforce them," suggested Lethal Lawyer, throwing another line into the ring. "And the funding to enforce them!" agreed Limbaugh Man, happily taking up a law-and-order issue. "Dammit, people are being murdered in their beds, and police aren't getting a red cent to carry out their work." "It almost looks as though it was being planned that way," offered Lethal Lawyer. "Indeed it does, indeed it does. So while all this sort of rot continues to undermine the Republic, is it any wonder that the God-fearing folk of this country...the decent, hardworking people who work and save to own their own little part of the Ame.rec.an Dream...are growing increasingly distrustful of the tentacles of Big Government that are *sneaking* and *sliding* and *winding* their way through our social structure? Is it any wonder that groups of patriots are fortifying themselves against this type of deceit? I mean, how long can the average family continue to put up with this sort of thing before they say 'Enough is enough?' "So, here we've got this great big Century Pact movement that's been taking the country by storm. And people are beginning to stop and think, 'Hey, all those net.ahumans running around uncontrolled are dangerous!' And people begin to protest..." "As is their civil right," put in Lethal Lawyer. "As is their civil right," agreed Limbaugh Man, making a token concession. "And then what happens? I'll tell you what happens: then the violence starts. Now, I don't know how you folks at home feel about this, but just this morning I was talking with McLaughlin Man just after his show, also here on Net.ropolis News Network, and he says to me, 'Limbaugh Man,' he says, 'you know, I really think all this could have been avoided if we'd had the Net.Hero Registration Act passed.' And you know what? He's right. He's dead right. I'll tell you what I think happened, I think that as people began to wise up to the threat of all these net.ahumans running around and started to make their feelings known, I think some of these vigilantes began to strike back in secret. Of course it had to be in secret, because most of them wear masks so they couldn't let anyone know who it really was. "But things just kept building and building and eventually it became obvious that just making attacks on individual groups just wasn't going to make any difference. So you know what happened then? Then it got to the point where instead of making individual attacks of terrorism against this whole blazing forest fire of discontent that was sweeping across the grasslands of this great country, that these people tried to get smart and discredit the whole Century Pact movement." "So how do you discredit a whole movement?" asked Lethal Lawyer, feigning ignorance. "By having someone endorse it that nobody trusts," clinched Limbaugh Man with a triumphant grin. "You have some net.villain, who absolutely nobody likes, come out and say the whole thing is a really good idea." "So how do these people get a net.villain of that calibre to make this endorsement?" "Well, we all saw Acton Lord on the TV last night, right? But how do we know it was Acton Lord? I mean, this is one of the things I really get annoyed with: when people don't think. He's big time; he corrupts things. He manipulates things. And there's the important thing. Time and again we've been told by the big-shot heroes that Acton Lord manipulates things from behind the scenes. So what happens last night? Out he comes, bright as day and says that this whole anti-net.ahuman movement was his idea all along. What has he got to gain by saying something like that? Nothing! It turns everybody off the notion stone cold. But I'll tell you what, there are a lot of people who were opposed to the Century Pact who *do* have a lot to gain from it." Lethal Lawyer nodded his head thoughtfully, as if letting this idea sink in and find acceptance. The audience clapped wildly. --------------------------------end clip------------------------------------- Action Lord grinned from his easy chair, eyes wide with mock excitement. "Next week, Limbaugh Man will endorse poverty, disease, drug use and the writing of angst-filled suicide fanfics about X-Files characters! If his theory is correct, we should be on the verge of a new golden age!" The promo screen popped up, showing Limbaugh Man's smiling face totally filling the box in the upper left corner. "Tune in Thursday when...gah! Is that his HEAD? Whoa. Anyway, tune in Thursday, when Limbaugh Man's guest will be Net_Star, and the topic will be 'Why the liberals are wrong and I'm right.' Or something like that. Y'know, I'm an evil net.villain, and *I* get the heebie-jeebies looking at that guy." The promo picture vanished, and Action Lord was back on the screen, looking like a deer caught in the headlights. Then he relaxed. "Thanks." The picture popped back up. "Gah!" [Fade to commercial] Two phones with lips sit on a white screen. One is labeled NT&T, the other MCP. One starts to open its mouth. A gout of flame washes across the screen, melting both phones into goo as they scream like the damned. "In the business of long distance, you can't trust anyone's claims. You're damned if you do, and damned if you don't," intones a demonic voice. "But when you dial 10-666, you can trust our claim that you will definitely be damned. All calls using 10-666 are absolutely free of charge! Instead, we bill your call against your eternal soul. So call 10-666 for all your long distance needs. Save money. Who needs a soul, anyway?" Tiny print along the bottom of the screen reads, "10-666 is a service of Pacific Hell (TM) Telecom. Rates comparable to NT&T for customers without souls." [Back to RACC Soup!] "Welcome back to RACC Soup, where love means never having to say 'Put down that roto-rooter.' Coming up, we'll see the dark side of superhuman powers, and read a little viewer mail," Action Lord smiled, and the words "Acton Lord" popped up on the screen below him. He looked at them and simply sighed. "Our next clip comes from a brand new talk show on UPN, hosted by...the Dvandom Stranger," Action Lord frowned, recalling his part in the Dvandom Stranger's origin [in The Bellerophon Gambit - Ed, who has a show coming up this fall on the WB]. "It's in the timeslot after Vibe, which means that in some markets it's followed by the morning farm report. In this clip from 'Strangers in the Night,' the Dvandom Stranger runs into trouble with his very first guest. GOOD." ------------------------Strangers in the Night clip--------------------------- "Once I might have come to bring portents of doom, or stayed a while to relate a tale from another reality, but now I cannot, for I am ever..." "A STRANGER!" the applauding audience finished, as the cosmic busybody descended from the back of the studio to approach the stage, his black trenchcoat swirling in a nonexistant wind, his eyes protected from the bright stage lighting by wraparound sunglasses, and his Editorial Staff of deepest black now sporting a microphone strapped to it with electrical tape. "Our topic tonight is People Who Have Been In Paul Hardy Stories And Lived To Tell The Tale," the Dvandom Stranger opened. "A topic close to my own heart, as I would qualify as a panelist for this subject. Our first guest is a Mr. Ian McHeidelberger, who appeared as an unnamed background character in Legion of Occult Heroes #6." A man dressed in a kilt walked onto the stage and sat in the first chair on the left, nodding to the audience. "So, Mr. McHeidelberger, would you care to describe your experience." "Nein. I mean, ach, no," the man said with a thick German accent overlaid with an attempt at a thick Scottish accent. The Stranger did a doubletake. "I thought you had agreed to appear on this show and talk about being in LOH. Why the change of heart." "Mein mutter told me never to talk to Strangers." ----------------------------------end clip----------------------------------- "Wasn't that just a little too far to go for a joke? And what was with that German guy pretending to be Scottish? Oh well, it's not like anyone was watching...even *we* here at RACC Soup have better ratings than late night UPN shows. Do we have a promo? Never mind, the show probably won't be around next week. Let's move on to the next clip, shall we? "Our next highlight is from the Jerry Springer Show in the non-continuity branch of the Starfall Universe. The Sturgeon General has determined that continuity can be hazardous to your health, cause low line-count and certain types of hair loss, namely tearing it out at the roots in frustration." Action Lord mugged the camera, grinning manically. "It's a good thing this is out of continuity, since it looks really painful for our old pal Jer!" -------------------------Jerry Springer Show clip---------------------------- "Heeeeeere's Jerry!" the announcer called out, as Jerry Springer took to the stage. "Greetings, everyone," Springer began. "Today's topic, vampires and vampirism. Are vampires real, or are they just figments of our imaginations? If we could introduce our guests?" An old man, a man wearing a leather jacket, two college girls, and a gorgeous redhead entered the stage from the right side of the studio. They sat in chairs on the right side of the stage. "Okay," Springer stated, "with me today we have Doctor Klaus von Helsing, a noted authority on classical vampire fiction, self-described vampire hunter Michael Jocasta, Amber Sommers, a student at Cornell University and rumored vampire, her roommate Donna MacPhillips, and Keili Nephthys, a self-proclaimed vampire queen...." "I'm bad, I'm beautiful, and I'm a vamp," Keili suddenly pronounced, playing to the camera for all it was worth, showing her prominent fangs. "What more do you want?" This was followed by lots of hoots, hollers, whistles, and "woohoo!"s from the audience. "*AHEM* These people believe that vampires exist, or that they are vamps themselves. Now, on the other side of the coin, our next guests..." two balding priests, a man in a tweed jacket, and a man in a wheelchair entered from the other side of the stage, and took seats opposite the other guests. "Allow me to introduce Father Michael Bowen, Father John Riven, author Joseph Reich and Quincey Jaffer, an expert on rare biological diseases. Everyone in this group claims that vampires do not exist." Everyone in the audience booed, with further encouragement from Amber and Keili. "I've heard enough," Keili stated. From her seat, she turned to mist, her clothes dropping to the ground. Amber, Donna, and Mike followed suit. The four of them materialzed nude behind the four skeptics, their "naughty bits" pixelated, and sank their fangs into the doubters' necks. The entire audience gasped, then started applauding loudly. Burly security guards rushed the stage, only to be hurled against the walls with contemptuous ease. Donna licked at the excess blood on her lips. "Believe in us now?" "YES!" came the reply from the audience, half enthusiastic and half scared. Keili grabbed the microphone out of Springer's hands. "We vampires have a legend that every time a human says he doesn't believe in vampires, a human dies...serves the bugger right, too." In the background, one of the less dazed security guards was opening a box marked "In Case Of Vampires." Jerry caught the microphone thrown to him as the others wandered back to their seats. "Mr. Jocasta, you're a vampire hunter, yet you're also...a vampire?" "Yes," he replied. "It's a long story." "Well, with our other guests dead, looks like we have time," Jerry said nervously, backing towards the rear of the studio. "Go read Blood Ties #5," Mike told him. "It'll explain everything." "Uh...yeah..." Springer turned his attention to the college girls, who were in the process of putting their clothes back on. "Amber, Donna, you two have been portrayed in the past as a lesbian couple. Is this true?" "AS IF!" Donna exclaimed. "We're bi, leaning towards hetero. Trust me, if we were lezzies, we wouldn't invite so many hunks up for dinner." "Spoken like a true Vamp," Keili mentioned, sitting back down next to her, still naked, still with digitized blocks covering the interesting parts. "But, Donna," Amber mentioned, "you gotta admit that many of them don't come back for seconds...." "But...but..." Dr. van Helsing stumbled over the words. "You can't be real vampires! That one priest was wearing a cross! And you have reflections!" "Your ancestor's journals were wrong, Doctor," Mike told him. "We have reflections. We cannot be harmed by religous symbols," he said as the security guard ran up with a crucifix and was swatted back into the wall, "wooden stakes just serve to slow us down, and who wants to finish this?" "Sounds good to me," Keili stated. "Girls?" "Let's get 'im!" Donna yelled. All four vampires lunged, cornering Springer into a corner of the stage, and drained him of all his blood, leaving a lifeless corpse staring out at the audience. The audience went nuts, chanting Jerry's name for reasons no sane person could figure out. ---------------------------------end clip------------------------------------ "Don't worry, kids...Jerry always carries protection. And a few pints of spare blood in case of a guest really going for the jugular. On Thursday's show, Jerry will have guests on who claim to be Elder Gods. Just don't watch if the censor forgets to 'mosaic' them, you might just go stark raving mad and...well, keep watching Jerry, I guess." The promo block came up, showing a somewhat bloodless-looking Jerry Springer, who was still smiling. Then it snapped back to the studio. Suddenly, Action Lord cocked his head to one side and got a slightly pained expression. "Folks...that rending sensation permeating every fiber of my being can mean only one of two things," he intoned as seriously as he could manage. "Either John Henson is starting to reassert control of his body, or it's time for a little VIEWER MAIL!" he finished brightly. Action Lord picked up a piece of paper and acted like he was reading it, instead of reading the teleprompter. "Today's letter asks, 'Dear Skunk-boy, what's the deal with that white spot in your hair, anyway? Is it real, or painted on?' Well, dear viewer, John's not available to answer this question, but thanks to a little piece we filmed earlier in the day, I think I can help you out. It all starts in China, around the year 69 A.D...." ------------------------------Cheesy Sketch---------------------------------- A skunk sat next to a cheap-looking altar spraypainted gold, while a voiceover chanted in Chinese. The viewer's supposed to think the skunk is talking. Suddenly, there was a burst of smoke and coughing sounds from off camera. When the smoke cleared, Action Lord was standing there in a Mandarin outfit rented for the afternoon, the "skunk spot" visible in his hair. "I did it!" said the voice off camera, while Action Lord moved his lips out of synch with the words. "I have taken on a human form, and can now seek out a position of power on basic cable! Wait," he looked down at his arms. "Curses, I must have miscast the spell...my skin is so pale! I must go invent suntan lotion or I will surely get melanoma! Now, where did I leave those powdered panda claws...." --------------------------------end sketch----------------------------------- "Yes, John Henson is really a proud descendant of animals who took on human form so they could get married without risking an appearance on Springer," Action Lord said, looking fairly creeped out, as if he wasn't sure he wanted to stay in the body he was possessing. "Well, anyway. Let's just let this one go, shall we? After the commercial break, we'll see if Conan O'Brien can stay alive!" [Fade to commercial] "Heroes, are you tired of depending on the unreliable wind for your capework?" asks a voiceover. Shot of a hero facing off a group of villains in front of a recently robbed bank. Many of the nefarious foes carry bulging sacks with "$" on them. "Stand down, vile lawbreakers!" the hero demands while posing dramatically. Yet...his cape hanging limp and impotent. "Pff, give up to you?" "With THAT cape?" "You've got to be kidding!" The villains make off with their ill-gotten gains, mocking the hero every step of the way. Close up of the hero sadly nodding "yes" to the announcer's question. Shot of the same hero at a funeral. Suddenly, a gust of wind tosses his cape into the minister, knocking him onto the casket, violently dropping it...and him...into the grave. The impact bursts a gas main, huge gouts of flame erupt into the skies. The priest curses, with his final screaching words, "Damn that cape! Damn that cape to Hell(tm)!" Anguished screams follow. Close up of the hero grimacing with embarrassment, "Isn't there some over way?" he pleads into the camera. "Now there is! The new Omnicape(TM) from Cape-able Inc. employs the newest Nano-Weev(TM) technologies. The Omnicape's(TM) fasteners contain special Emotosensors(TM) that detect the wearer's emotional state, and the cape behaves accordingly, thereby amplifying one's intent by a factor of 14.2. So now...." Shot of our generic hero at a funeral, cape wavering in a serene yet sullen fashion. Close up of the pleased hero giving the camera a surreptitious wink. Back to that face-off against the looting villains, "Stand down, vile lawbreakers!" The cape strikes out, billowing powerfully. "Look at that cape!" "We don't stand a chance!" "We give up, just don't hurt us!" "Our firearms must be useless against you, why should we even bother trying!?" Close up of the hero, "Thank you, Cape-able." Fade to black with "Cape-able, we make the things that make heroes," flapping across the screen like a resplendent flag on one of those perfectly windy afternoons and you...yes YOU...can't help feeling compelled to run out and buy some Omnicapes(TM) NOW while simultaneously distracting you...yes still YOU...from the massive small print block at the bottom: "Any similarity to heroes living or dead is unintentionable. Odds of winning are one in eleventeen million. Offer void where prohibited (SORRRRY Tennessee). CODs are not accepted. Please allow 6 to 8 weeks for delivery. Add $2.95 for shipping and handling. Limited time only. Hurry, while supplies last. Offer not available with other coupons. Not a flying toy. Keep out of reach of children. Not for external use. Not to be taken internally. Game pieces do not actually talk. May cause itching, dehydration, lung cancer, hypothermia, insanity, asthma, Attention Deficit Disorder, intestinal distention, the bends, 'cooties,' rectal bleeding, and in some rare instances, a mild case of death. Please consult a physician. Do not taunt Happy Fun Ball(TM)." [To Be Continued in Part 2]