DVANDOM _____ ______ _____ _______ THE DEATH DUCK SAGA part 6 of 7 [ ]__ [ ] [] [ ]__)) [ ] ` [ ]__ #95 - "The Dvandom Menace" [ ] [ ] [] [ ] \\ [ ] [ ] copyright 1999 Dave Van Domelen [_] [_]__[] [_] \\ [_]___/ [_]____ -------]==+ <*> +==[------- [The cover is a closeup of a face, split between two visages. On the left half is a bearded man with a small squid earring partly covered by his long hair. On the right half is a sinister cowled head, the face covered by a baroque metal mask.] ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- AUTHOR'S NOTE: While elements of this story have been parodied from Star Wars: the Phantom Menace, the plot will diverge significantly in many places. The intent is to be familiar without being a spoiler for those who haven't seen the movie yet. If you've seen a trailer for the movie, you've probably been more spoiled than this story would make you. Well, okay, I do point out some dumb bits from the movie, but they're not major plot points. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aboard the sleek Faboo starship, a council of sorts was being held. On a low throne sat an ornately-dressed queen, surrounded by her handmaidens and flanked by the loyal captain of her guard. Across from her stood a motley collection of warriors, rogues...and a child. "The Court was a disappointment," the queen intoned, her voice flat and regal. "We gained some small amount of information, but nothing to help with our immediate problem. Our people are dying down there, and may all die before the Court takes any action." She turned to a robed figure. "sQuid-Gon, do the Net.i stand with us?" The man stepped forward. "Queen Amitanna, my apprentice Poki-Wan and I stand by your side. But we can only protect you...we cannot retake Faboo for you. For that, we would need an army." "Captain Boxer?" the queen asked of the guardsman at her side. He shook his head. "Even if our entire police force was free...which I doubt is the case...we wouldn't stand a chance against the robot invasion down there. The Net.i is right. We need a real army, the kind of army the Court could have provided. But didn't," he finished bitterly. "In that case," the queen nodded to a lanky, rabbit-eared figure standing behind sQuid-Gon, "I will need your help, BINXX." * * * * "Entering Faboo orbit," called back the pilot, Macr Olie. "Most of the carriers have pulled out, but there's still enough to make this rough." They were approaching a beautiful blue-green planet orbiting a yellow sun. Hanging ominously in orbit around it were a handful of large carrier ships, each shaped like a giant kazoo. Tiny drone fighters flitted about in the space between them, yet somehow there was a hole big enough to drive a fleet through...or at least their ship...over the planet. "Strange," Poki-Wan noted, leaning over the pilot's shoulder. "Why would the Federation pull out the majority of its forces in space simply because they've taken the ground?" "So that the final space battle sequence can be a little more even, I would suppose," sQuid-Gon replied. "The ways of the Farce are mysterious and sometimes stupid. But do not question them, for they are your allies as well. Captain Olie, can you get us down safely?" Macr nodded. "I may be getting on in years, but I'm still the fastest pilot on all Faboo. I'll get us there. But I can't guarantee a smooth ride, so you'd better go back and strap in!" * * * * One very bumpy ride later, the ship had set down in a forest clearing that mysteriously was the exact size and shape of the starship. Abandoning the ship as being too easy for the enemy to find, they set out across the swampy temperate forest mountainside deserts of Faboo. Then, after the drug tests on the location scout came back positive, they found a new one and entered the swamps of Faboo. "BINXX, why are you leading us this way, away from the deeper swamps? Last time, you took us the other way," Poki-Wan inquired, carefully avoiding explicit mention of where they had been before, so as to avoid spoiling the surprise for anyone who hadn't yet seen the Phantom Menace. "The set design department had to spend its budget or lose it," the BINXX shrugged. "So my people moved over here while we were at the Court." [Author's Note: I refuse to try and reproduce Jar Jar Binks's speech patterns. Besides, for the VAXX, normal speech *is* weird.] "There they are!" Captain Boxer called out, pointing to a cluster of weird rabbit-eared puppy things among the trees. They were the Wargans, the other major race that inhabited Faboo. While their lifestyle was outwardly simple and their philosophy claimed they all came from a giant water tower in the sky, they had access to technology enough to be a serious threat. Or a worthwhile ally. The group walked into the encampment, largely ignored by the odd little creatures, until they reached the center. The BINXX stepped forwards and waved uncertainly. "Ah, hiya Boss Grife," he said, looking up at an elaborately robed Wargan perched in a tree, where others had constructed a crude mock-up of a water tower. He wore a medallion with the letters WB, which stood for "Wargan Boss." Honest. "Hiya, BINXXy," Boss Grife started, then he noticed Amitanna. "Well, HELLLLLLOOOO Queen!" he whooped, jumping down into her arms. "Where have you been all my life? Or at least for the last four reels?" "Boys..." sighed a female voice from off-camera. The Queen gently put Boss Grife down, then bowed to him. "We Faboo have come in friendship and peace, to you, the Wargans. A terrible foe has attacked our world, and we must work together to defeat the Federation." "The Federation?" Boss Grife stepped back in surprise. "These...are the voyages...of the starship..." "Wrong Federation!" Katarin shouted, getting her first line in the episode, and still somewhat miffed that she was only referred to as "a child" in the opening scene. "Friendship, Freedom and Frunt?" Grife ventured, waving a big flag with an "L" on it. "Nope," the BINXX shook his head, sending his floppy ears into a riot of computer-generated gyrations. "Step into the squared circle?" "NO!" shouted everyone in the scene, even the extras. The Queen patiently explained, "The Federation that sent down all those robots to invade the planet." "Oooooh, the robots that only transform when no one's looking?" Grife asked, a moue of distaste crossing his features. Five Wargans immediately ran off to find a dictionary so they could look up "moue." Amitanna nodded. "Those ones. We need an army to draw them out of the capital city, so we may execute a clever plan to capture their leaders." Grife pulled himself up to his full height, which came about to Amitanna's belt. "My people are...not a warrior race. Can't even run with scissors. But we *are* awfully annoying." Amitanna nodded again. "That will do nicely." * * * * Preparations buzzed around the Wargan encampment. Bags of marbles were loaded onto large critters. Giant yo-yos were hitched to the yokes of other large critters. Large critters were stacked like cordwood on the back of larger critters. Somewhere, the theme from "A-Team" was playing. And through it all, Katarin had somehow managed to find a corner in the forest/swamp to sulk in. The BINXX walked up to her. "Say, what's wrong, little girl?" "Exactly," she snorted. "Eh?" "Everyone's treating me like a little girl. But I'm not a little girl. I know it! Something's terribly wrong here. It's like I've been stuffed into a new body...and for some reason, I think I should be really familiar with that process," Katarin explained. "Aren't you a little young for angst?" the BINXX asked. "I'm NOT a little girl!" Katarin shrieked. "Are too!" the BINXX countered. "Am not!" "Are too!" "Am not!" "Are not!" "Am too!" "Are not!" "I *AM* a little girl, and don't try to tell me otherwise!" Katarin stomped her foot on the marshy ground for emphasis. "And cute, too! MWAH!" the BINXX gave her a big, sloppy kiss, then skipped off before she could commit any mayhem on him. Katarin paused, then went looking for a good, solid tree to bash her head against. * * * * At the castle, two aliens in vaguely oriental outfits with vaguely oriental accents spoke to a vaguely Australian hologram of a man in a vaguely vague robe. Vaguely, anyway. Another figure lurked so vaguely in the background that no one could identify him yet. "My lord Yahoo Sidious, the primitives have massed their forces nearby, and seem intent on attacking the city. We have sent our forces out to destroy them," said the alien in the slightly bigger hat. "Good, mate," the hologram flickered. "Kill 'em all. Never liked those Wargans anyway. And you, Darth Mallard," he looked to a figure in a purple robe and hood who lurked in the background, no longer quite so vaguely, since he figured that particular gag had just about been driven into the ground with a sledgehammer. "Yes, master?" he asked through a metallic faceplate. "Find the Queen. Search the entire planet if you have to, but find her. She is necessary to our plans." Darth Mallard nodded. "I'll start with an exhaustive search of this building. I have the munchies," the Spliff Lord added. "Good on you, mate," the hologram said, then flickered out. "Is that it?" the alien with the smaller hat asked. "Yes, I'll be in my trailer," the alien with the larger hat answered. * * * * Thousands of Wargans marched out of the forest and into the grassy plains of Faboo, led by General BINXX. Beasts far too large to fit between the trees stepped out onto the grasslands, pulling their cargoes of marbles, yo-yos, whoopee cushions and expired cold medicine behind them. The ground shook with their passage. The air shook with their flatulence. "Lieutenant," the BINXX shouted across to his second-in-command. "I've just noticed something! Our warbeasts have no noses!" "Then how do they smell?" "Terrible! Peee-U!" A nearby Wargan in full military drumkit played a rimshot. "Seriously, folks," the BINXX smirked, "does everybody remember the plan? Yes? Good, then I'll rehash it anyway. Just over that ridge are about a thousand really nasty robot tanks full of slightly less nasty robots...okay, rather silly and ineffective robots for the most part...and we get to keep them busy." "Why?" asked a voice from the ranks. "To give the Queen time to break into the castle and free the fighter pilots." "Why?" "So the fighters can fly up into space and blow up the ship controlling all those nasty robot tanks and things." "Why?" "So they won't kill us to pieces!" "Okay, I love you, buh-bye!" the voice replied. "Come to think of it," the BINXX mused, "not going into combat would be a pretty good way to keep the nasty things from killing us to pieces." He raised his voice. "Okay, people, NEW PLAN!" "Too late for that, sir!" his lieutenant pointed at the ridge. "Here they come!" "Raise Shields!" the BINXX commanded. There was a flurry of activity. Long wooden poles were removed from the beasts carrying them and lashed together with lightning speed into a tower. Then a rather tall woman with long curly hair and a mono-brow was tied to a crane and hoisted up to the top of this tower. All the while, she screamed bloody murder about how her agent was going to hear about this and how this wasn't the sort of cameo she'd had in mind. "There!" the BINXX nodded with satisfaction. "They won't dare use their heavy weapons while we have TV's Susan up there!" "I still think Seinfeld would have worked better," the lieutenant snorted. "He wouldn't return our calls," the BINXX shrugged. "What can I say? The man writes his own ticket in this galaxy." He turned to face the troops, who were amusing themselves with a length of string they'd found. "Put that down and ATTACK!" Hordes of computer-generated Wargans surged forward and clashed with hordes of computer-generated robots. Shouts of pain, terror and...well, maybe neither of those, but shouts filled the air. "Will you be my daddy?" asked a Wargan warrior. ^^YOU DIE JOE^^ replied the robot he was hugging. "Hey, LAAAAAADYYY!" shouted another. ^^ROGER ROGER^^ could be heard somewhere. "C'mon, we'll go see the Wizard and get you a new heart!" ^^COME BACK WITH MY LEG!!^^ "I made a googie...." Oh, the horrors of war. Or whatever this is. * * * * "I don't understand, master," Poki-Wan whispered as they hid behind a pillar in the courtyard in front of the castle. "With all those secret passageways honeycombing the area, why not just sneak directly where we need to go? Is this another case of the set department? If so, what kind of budget DO they have?" "That was my idea, actually," the Queen whispered back. "The invasion was so quick and bloodless that there was no damage done. We need to rack up some property destruction if we're ever going to wring funds out of the Court for reparations. So be sure to miss a lot when you can." "Not even a Net.i can fathom the ways of interstellar politics," sQuid-Gon advised his apprentice. A signal flashed across the courtyard. "Go!" Captain Boxer ordered. Everyone jumped out, firing at the robot hovertanks in the middle of the courtyard, which exploded nicely whenever a blaster shot even came close to them. Robot warriors flooded out of every doorway, firing as they went. But, oddly, none shot at the Net.i Knights. "Come on, ye cowardly pieces o' tin!" Poki-Wan shouted, his actor's accent slipping through. "Why don't ye shoot us?" ^^NO WAY,^^ replied one of the troopers. ^^WE SAW WHAT YOU DID IN THE EARLIER SCENES. WE SHOOT YOU, WE EAT OUR OWN BLASTER BOLTS. WE'LL STICK WITH FRYING FABOOLEANS, THANKS.^^ "There are other means," sQuid-Gon calmly replied, gesturing at one of the many granite anvil sculptures that decorated the city. It drifted sideways a bit, then fell on the robot troopers. One trooper held up a small sign that said, "Help!" WHAM! Several dozen tons of granite anvil turned the robot troopers into aluminum siding. "I've blocked the path from any possible reinforcements," sQuid-Gon added. "Let's get inside!" Running into the palace, they were immediately met by another squad of robot troopers. "Aren't you glad we lured all their forces away?" Katarin snarked as they all ducked behind a massive pillar. "I'm just glad I insisted on the grand colonnade when I redecorated," the Queen noted, wincing as a blaster shot sent chips of marble flying from the column she hid behind. Poki-Wan stepped out from behind cover and waved his hand. Nothing happened. "Try the other hand," one of the nameless Fabooleans suggested. Poki-Wan concentrated and stretched out both hands. A pigeon appeared, seated on his head. "Perhaps I should not have told the Net.i Council you were ready," sQuid-Gon sighed, waving his hand and sending the robot troopers clattering down like tenpins. Really fragile tenpins. "Let's go," Boxer waved the soldiers on. Within moments (and after much gratuitous damage inflicted to the walls and floors with blasters borrowed from the robot troopers), they had reached the hangar bay. "Where's all the pilots?" Captain Boxer exclaimed, looking into the bay. "What, you thought they'd all be sitting in the middle of the room under guard? Sitting there in the same position for the days and weeks we've been gone?" Poki-Wan asked, incredulously. "If we're lucky, they're being held in the ready-room attached to the hangar. Most likely they've been moved to one of the interment camps on the other side of the planet. That's why we brought our own pilots along, remember?" "Oh. Yeah," Boxer replied sheepishly. "Okay, let's go," sQuid-Gon whispered. "And remember, as much as you may want to raise the insurance claim, don't shoot the fighters. We need those. Kati, stay back and out of trouble." "Yeah, right," Katarin snarled. "We have one advantage," sQuid-Gon added, "we'll have about a second to act before they do anything, since they're being controlled from high orbit. Go!" About a dozen robots opened fire the instant they poked around the corner of the doorway. ^^WHAT, LIKE WE'RE DEAF?^^ the commanding robot asked over the sound of blaster fire. "New plan," Captain Boxer shouted. "Let the Wookie win!" ^^DOES NOT COMPUTE.^^ ^^WRONG MOVIE, BOZO!^^ ^^WOOKIE? WHERE?^^ ^^I DON'T WANT MY ARMS RIPPED OUT OF MY SOCKETS! MOMMEEEEEE!^^ As anticipated, this caused the robot troopers to freeze up in confusion. The two Net.i, waiting for such a moment, ran into the hangar bay and quickly snapped the toothpick-like waists of each trooper with a quick flick of the wrist. Soon the room was full of legs walking aimlessly and assorted body parts shattered where they had hit the floor. "What are these things made of?" Poki-Wan asked. "Zweiback?" "A highly advanced polymer compound that mimics zweiback, actually," sQuid-Gon replied. "Only it's slightly blander to the taste." "Okay, people, let's get these birds in the air!" Macr Olie shouted, dashing for one of the fighter craft. "The Wargans are counting on us." "Yahoooo!" shouted pilot Sidew Inder, revving the engines on his fighter. "First out of the gate!" No sooner had his craft cleared the hangar doors than it was shot down by a robot tank outside. "Not againnnnnn...!" he shouted on his way to the forest below. A long, agonizing spiral with no signs of parachutes or bailing out or regaining control or anything. Harsh realm. "Everyone else, be sure to raise shields BEFORE going out!" Olie added, powering up his own shields. "I am SO out of here," Katarin shouted, jumping into an empty fighter and closing the cockpit. "Katarin, wait..." sQuid-Gon started to shout. Suddenly, a trio of giant yellow and green pillbugs rolled out into the hangar and transformed into robots, blocking the remaining fighters from exiting. "Federation Pegwarmers!" Amitanna shouted, firing a few blasts which were absorbed by the shields around the robots. "And that's not all," said a robed figure from the doorway they had come in. "I knew my search would prove fruitful." Everyone turned to look at the newcomer, who pulled the hood back from his face, revealing a baroque metal mask. "I...I know you..." Amitanna gasped. ============================================================================ Next Issue: The conclusion of the Death Duck Saga! sQuid-Gon and Poki-Wan in a duel to the death with Darth Mallard! Wargans versus robot hordes! Katarin versus a really, really big starship! And Death Duck...? You're soakin' in it, baby! ============================================================================ Author's Notes: To be honest, while I knew how I wanted the Death Duck Saga to end, I didn't really know the form that the climactic issues would take, although I was leaning towards a lot of fighting in the Dreamlands. First, Rotanna would take out Zklmcgyx, then she'd go after Death Duck. But that really didn't work for me. Then I started getting requests that I do the Dvandom Menace ("dvan" is a single syllable, by the way, it's not said "dee-van"), and I had some ideas how to do this. But I wanted to actually see the thing I was parodying first, which I know is a bit out of character for me. }-> As I left the theater, trying to figure out an angle on a Phantom Menace parody, I started trying to match up elements other than character names. When I matched the Dream Court to Coruscant, I suddenly realized that I'd *already* written the first 2/3 of the movie. #90-94 aren't a total match for the beginning of The Phantom Menace, of course, but a lot of the important plot elements are there. And so we have this issue (and next issue). Picking up thematically where I'd left off, with the heroes returning from the capital. To close and generally pad out this slightly short issue, here's a list of where each character comes from. I won't explain the names...if you've seen the movie you should know them, if you haven't, I'd be adding more possible spoilers. Amitanna = Amidala + Rotanna (Lynk) The BINXX = Jar Jar Binks + the VAXX sQuid-Gon = Qui-Gon Jinn + Squidman (yes, I know the pronounciation is different on the two "qui" bits) Poki-Wan = Obi-Wan Kenobi + Kid Pocky Captain Boxer = Captain Panaka + Shane Boxer Macr Olie = Ric Olie + Macroman Katarin = Anakin Skywalker + Kat Sidew Inder = Sidewinder (no name to combine with) Boss Grife = Boss Nass + Yakko Warner Yahoo Sidious = Darth Sidious + Yahoo Serious Darth Mallard = Darth Maul + Death Duck (like you didn't figure that out already)