DVANDOM _____ ______ _____ _______ THE DEATH DUCK SAGA part 1 of 7 [ ]__ [ ] [] [ ]__)) [ ] ` [ ]__ #90 - "Deep !mpact" [ ] [ ] [] [ ] \\ [ ] [ ] copyright 1998 Dave Van Domelen [_] [_]__[] [_] \\ [_]___/ [_]____ -------]==+ <*> +==[------- [cover shows the planet menaced by what seems to be a comet. An empty business suit stands alone atop the comet in a sort of maniacal laughing stance, and dead LNHers drift about him in space] Billy was a wholesome, supposed-to-be-middle-american-but-really-from- California sort of teenager. Clean-cut enough not to scare audiences, but ruffled enough to attract teenaged girls who wanted that hint of danger. Basically, the sort of guy who always survived disaster movies simply because test audiences would boo if he died. Like most of his annoying breed, he had one hobby meant to make him seem more down-to-earth, less of a perfect matinee idol...oh, and it had to help set up the plot. Billy read comics. And not just any comics, he liked the obscure series which flashed in the pan and then vanished to the quarter bins where they gathered dust. He had the whole Atlas line, every Charlton comic printed, and had instinctively known to pick up the Awesome titles when they came out. It was a little geeky, but he was cute enough that the girls wouldn't care, and pretty soon things would start blowing up now that the story focused on him, so the guys in the audience could forgive him his hobby. Billy hopped off his dirtbike and walked into the local comic shop. "Hi, Doctor Doomed!" he cheerily greeted the owner. That wasn't his real name, of course. But he joked that if he ever appeared in a story, he was the sort of guy who inevitabvly died to appease the blood-hungry audience. "Hey, Bill. Nothing on your pull came in...all cancelled. Again." "That's okay, I feel like going into another old title. Got any...oh, Jaguar?" Doctor Doomed nodded. "I should have a whole crate of 'em in the back. Lemme go check." Billy paged through one of the titles on the rack while he waited. Seemed interesting enough, but looked like it might stick around for a while. He put it back. "That's odd..." came the voice from in back. "They're all gone. Records show someone bought the entire imprint backstock from me the other day." He emerged from the back room. "Who besides you would wanna do that?" "Weird. Oh well, I'll just take a few more issues of Starslayer, then." Doctor Doomed nodded. "I'll call around, I'm sure someone has some moldering backstock of Jaguar they'd be eager to sell you." "Thanks!" Billy replied, paying for his purchase and heading out to his motorcycle. -------]==+ <*> +==[------- Colorado. A sweeping ranch property, belonging to a man who had been through many names in his career, and was now simply known as The Writer Formerly Known As. A tall oriental man tended the shrubbery as Patricia drove up the long and winding road from the highway to the house. It was an impressive residence...not opulent or ostentatious, yet it still conveyed a strong impression that the man who lived here was not someone to be trifled with. Understated power and prestige emanated from every inch of the property. She stopped her SUV near the door and approached it. Almost before she could ring the bell, the door swung open, a pair of twins standing in the foyer behind it. "Yes?" they asked in unison. "Ah, hello. I'm Patricia Newman, with the Price Guide? I have an appointment for an interview with Mr., ah, The Writer Formerly Known As," she finished, her hesitancy slowly evaporating as she fell into professional mode. "You're early," one said, although for the life of her Patty couldn't tell which. "Please have a seat, enjoy a tart while you wait." With that, they vanished into the house, leaving her alone in the foyer. A tray piled high with individually-wrapped fruit pies sat on a table against the far wall, next to the door. She shrugged, writing it off as one of the eccentricities of the rich and powerful. Maybe The Writer liked the sugary things as a kid. Patty tried to cover her jitters. She was just a price guide reporter, but she had a lead on a story which might jump to the national papers. "The Writer will see you now," one of the twins said from the door. The other was nowhere to be seen. Patty followed the man down a hallway and past a reception desk. The desk was unoccupied at the moment, but the nameplate said, "Elayne." The Writer's "Girl Friday," who had arranged the appointment for Patty. Patty entered The Writer's office. He was huge. A towering presence with an aura of confidence that made him seem twice as large has he really was...and he really was large enough to make a go of joining the LNH if he wanted to. Yet his face was kind and careworn, like he had laughed as often as he had scowled. There was also a certain age beyond his years there, like he'd lived five lives in his few decades of existence. "So, Ms. Newman," he said, a rich baritone that filled the room. "What brings you here?" he asked, with the tone of one who knows the answer. Or at least thinks he does. "Well, I was researching an old spinoff line you were associated with," she opened, rewarded by a shift in his expression that said he was expecting this. "As you can see, prices have inexplicably started to rise as stocks have been bought up across the country," she handed him a sheaf of papers from the price guide, showing upward trends in numerous books which had been flat at near zero for years. The Writer studied the papers and shrugged. "My involvement with that line ended years ago. Fads and speculators come and go like the tides. Who am I to say why they're going up in value?" His face started to assume the classic "if you have nothing else, good day" expression. Patty decided she had to drop her bombshell. "I know about the collusion between DC and the Nuclear Regulatory Commission," she accused. Actually, she knew nothing of the sort. She knew these events were tied to a mysterious "NRC," but not who or what the NRC was, exactly. The Nuclear Regulatory Commission seemed most likely, and hopefully The Writer's calm would crack long enough to let slip something. He laughed. "No, there's no connection between comics and nuclear power, Ms. Newman. Unless you count Comet, here," he tapped the papers. "Thank you for the good laugh, but I'm afraid our interview is over." "Wait, I..." she started to protest, when the twins reappeared and started to firmly escort her to the door. "The people of the Loonited States have a right to know the truth!" she protested without effect. Once she was out of the office, The Writer scowled and picked up the phone. "Mister President...you need to hear about this." -------]==+ <*> +==[------- Billy was starting to really get worried. He'd ridden across five states now, and no one had any copies of Jaguar. It had long since stopped being about getting the comic and was now about finding out why it was nowhere to be had. And it was no coincidence that his trip was taking him closer and closer to Net.ropolis. Kate nuzzled closer to him on the back of the bike. As far as she was concerned, this was just the first wild fling of summer vacation, an extended joyride across the country. Like Billy, she had that certain look of someone who audiences couldn't bear to see die, but since she was the love interest, she didn't need to have any depth-granting quirks. She just had to look pretty, love Billy, and go along with whatever stupid plot points he dragged her into. Kate was exceptionally good at this role. -------]==+ <*> +==[------- All the way back to Denver in her rented SUV, Patty went over the details of the meeting in her head. There had to be some clue there. The Writer had to know about the mysterious "NRC," he was too powerful and highly placed not to. And the way he'd given her the bum's rush just screamed that he was worried that she knew...in fact, it almost seemed like he wanted to arouse her suspicions, since he wasn't permitted to tell her, but wanted the information to get out somehow. She was so lost in thought that she didn't even notice the five extremely sinister minivans pulling into position around her until one honked its horn. She honked back and tried to get out of the formation, but it just tightened up and started slowing down and moving towards the side of the road. Well, this was the answer she was looking for, no doubt. Patty sighed and pulled over to a stop. A man in a black suit and tie stepped up to the passenger side door and held up a badge. "Excuse me, ma'am. But the President would like to have a private talk with you. If you'll follow us to the airport peacefully, we won't need to hogtie you and toss you in the back of one of our minivans," he said, his voice flat and even the entire time. "Okay," she replied, mentally cursing that her voice broke in the middle of it. -------]==+ <*> +==[------- "How many I help you?" the receptionist asked. Billy looked around in awe at the lobby of the LNHQ, all flashing neon and chrome and excessive special effects. And one lonely potted plant in the corner. "Sir?" the receptionist asked again. "Oh, sorry. Cool place you have here," he commented. "You get used to it," the receptionist shrugged. "I need to talk to someone in the LNH, preferably someone who knew Lost Cause Boy." Inwardly, Billy sighed. Lost Cause Boy was one of his personal heroes, and he would have known exactly what to do in this situation. But the net.hero was long dead, and hopefully one of the other LNHers could help. "It has to do with these comics," he placed a list on the desk in front of the receptionist. "Hmm," Fred hmmed, for that was his name. He checked the computer. "I'm not sure how well he knew Lost Cause Boy, but I think Bandwagon Chick of the Tsk Force might be able to help, one of her powers is to get interested in something after it's started to fade. I'll give her a buzz." -------]==+ <*> +==[------- Net.Farce One. More than transportation for the President, it was also a mobile office and command base. And now Patricia Newman was inside it, face to face with one of the most powerful figures in the world. "Miss Newman," he said without preamble, "what do you know about NRC's?" She started to open her mouth, then did a double take. "Plural? We have more than one Nuclear Regulatory Commission?" The President smiled forlornly. "I suspected as much. You stumbled onto something far bigger than you suspect, Miss Newman. And if you could, others have. I'm afraid we're going to have to move the timetable up." "What timetable? And what's NRC if it's not the nuke people?" Patty demanded. "Non-Returnable Comics." -------]==+ <*> +==[------- Billy and Kate sat at a table in the Pizza Pit, the drone of the television in the background mingling with the voices of the other patrons. Bandwagon Chick was familiar with the comics in question and had promised to look into the matter, but somehow Billy felt less than assured. Suddenly the restaurant started to hush, and the volume on the television was turned up. Billy and Kate looked over. "...you the President of the Loonited States," the press secretary finished, stepping aside so that the President could take the podium. "Ladies and gentlemen of the press, citizens of the Loonited States, people of the world," he opened, his voice grave and serious. "In the past few months, copies of every !mpact comic in the world have been slowly vanishing from storage rooms and dealer stock. We now know where they went. As this picture from the Hubble Space.Thingy shows, the missing comics have formed a body approximately a mile in diameter, which is heading back to this planet at cometary speeds." A panicked whisper spread across the audience. "We estimate that if it makes landfall where our scientists have calculated it will, that all life on this planet save for a few of the more invulnerable net.ahumans will be extinguished." Now a louder gasp, and a sustained sound of fear. "I have spoken with world leaders, and we agree that the prudent course of action is to stick our heads in the sand and hope the Legion of Net.Heroes saves our sorry asses again." A few exclamations of "well, yeah" and "again?" could be heard. "But just in case some plot device prevents them from stopping this menace, we have prepared underground vaults in which a portion of the population can survive. Unfortunately, due to problems getting the recent budget past Congress, we only had enough money to save government employees and members of the armed forces, who would shoot us if we tried to keep them out. We had room for one more person, who was randomly chosen by lottery to join us in the bunkers." He looked at the teleprompter carefully. "Her name is Kate Wristwatch. Kate, please report to the bunkers as soon as possible." Billy looked across the table in shock at Kate. "That's you," he said, over the screams of panic breaking out both on TV and in the Pizza Pit. -------]==+ <*> +==[------- "Okay, Legion, you heard the President!" Fearless Leader shouted. "It's time to save the world!" "Again," Sarcastic Lad sneered. "What, third time this week?" the Net.Elementalist sighed. "I don't feel very motivated," Entropy Kid complained. "Hey, where's Ninj?" Bandwagon Chick asked. "He delegated this one to me," Fearless Leader replied. "Apparently, he concurs in the assessment that this one doesn't really stand out from the normal routine. I need six spaceworthy volunteers to help blow this comics comet back into the bargain bins!" "The Kirbian stands always ready to defend his adopted home," Kid Kirby proclaimed. "It beats chasing guys who change lanes without signalling," Irony Man sighed, checking the pressure seals on his armor. "I'm in," the Net.Elementalist said. "At least, presuming I can survive in space." "I can rig you a suit on the way," Contraption Man reassured the former Fan.Boy. "Me too, I suppose." "This feels suspiciously like a roll call, but I will rise to the challenge," Kid Not-Appearing-In-Any-Retcon-Hour-Story stepped forward. "Something's very wrong about this whole situation, especially my presence here," Continuity Champ noted. "I must come along at least to investigate." "Right, let's go!" Fearless Leader led the charge to the Flight.Thingy Bay. -------]==+ <*> +==[------- Traffic was backed up for miles, frustrated drivers blasting their horns to no effect. Wrecked cars were pushed to the side of the road, where they gave off small wisps of smoke and the occasional moan as the driver regained consciousness. It was a typical rush hour in Net.ropolis. Billy and Kate picked their way between the unmoving cars on the back of his motorcycle, which had inexplicably changed brands since the last scene it was in, from a dirtbike to a street-legal cruiser. "Kate, you're going into that bunker if I have to drive you all the way to it myself," Billy said over the noise of the traffic. "No, Billy, your bike isn't a clunker!" she reassured him, apparently not having heard him correctly. "No, BUNKER! BUNKER!" he shouted over the sounds of another collision. "Blinker? Are we turning?" "B...U...N...K...E...R!" "Oh, yeah, ER was great last night, wasn't it? I liked it when the guy who played Squidman in the movie came in as a surgeon." Billy decided to give up on the big emotional self-sacrificing speech until they got out of downtown. -------]==+ <*> +==[------- The Space.Thingy approached the object. It was close enough to be visible as a sphere of some sort, with a trailing tail of less dense material. "I'm going to take us through the tail," Fearless Leader said. "Whatever for?" the Net.Elementalist asked. "Because it'll make for a REALLY cool effects shot," was the answer. "Oh." And it was quite a cool shot indeed. As they approached, the wispy tail resolved into a stream of confetti, and then individual comicbooks which tumbled past the Space.Thingy's viewports. Fluttering in the vacuum, they drifted along, occasionally hitting the Space.Thingy's deflector screens and bursting apart into shreds of colored paper. Fearless Leader sealed the helmet of his space suit. "Okay, everyone, we're coming up on the main body. Get ready to hit space and look for a way to deflect that thing! Go!" The six LNHers flew out through the airlock and moved to surround the gigantic ball of unsold comics. "I should be able to burn them to ash easily enough with net.elemental flame," the Net.Elementalist said over his comm.thingy. "It'll work even in a vacuum." "Let's make sure it's only comics first. There might be something nasty underneath it all," Contraption Man cautioned. "And you're right!" screamed a voice in their heads. Fluttering up from under the comics was an empty business suit, which rapidly stood up into the position of a man. "I am one of the Powers That Be, and we've decided on a relaunch of this line...and this time the comics will be Non-Returnable, baby! Terminally Non-Returnable!" it cackled. "Hold, villain. You shall not destroy the buying public with a marketing plan of such vile magnitude!" Kid Kirby proclaimed. "The Kirbian shall stand against you!" "Wrong, Krakl-boy!" the suit shouted, pointing an empty sleeve at the wielder of the Power Kirby. A contract emerged from the sleeve. "We own you, and all of your previous appearances! Now take out the guy in black, I don't like his attitude," the suit commanded. "This one...cannot...but...obey," Kid Kirby groaned, fighting against the compulsion which made him turn his power against the Net.Elementalist. "That's enough!" Kid Not-Appearing-In-Any-Retcon-Hour-Story shouted, and dove towards the suit. Suddenly he felt a wave of dizziness and crashed into the surface next to the suit. "Wh-what?" The suit held up a copy of The Crucible. "Guess what, KNAIARHS?" he mocked. "Turns out this is equivalent to Retcon Hour. You're sandbagged!" "No...this is wrong!" Continuity Champ gasped. He was starting to turn transparent. "What is happening to me?" "Just a little matter of the writer not checking to see if you were even available in this continuity...looks like you aren't, booby," the suit crowed. "Have a nice trip!" "Bad move, mister," Irony Man shouted, flying in at full thrust. "That little trick just cranked my Irony Capacitors up to full power, and you're going down before Kid Kirby does something he'll regret!" Contraption Man followed him in, a pair of Reverse Thrust Gravity Warp Contusers gripped in his hands. The suit flew to tatters under their combined assault. They landed next to KNAIARHS to try and revive him, and were joined by Kid Kirby and the Net.Elementalist. "Looks like the clothes had no emperor," Contraption Man said. "Now, let's get Kid off this pile and back to the Space.Thingy, and figure out a way to deflect this." "Um, guys, is it just me, or are the comics moving towards..." the Net.Elementalist started. He was cut off when the tidal wave of Black Hood #4 swept over them and pulled the heroes under the surface. -------]==+ <*> +==[------- "Kate, you have to go into the bunker," Billy implored her. "No, I'm not leaving you, Billy! I'd rather die with you than live knowing you were dead. Besides, the LNH will save us, they always do." Billy shook his head. "No...the LNH must have failed. We'd know by now if they'd stopped the comet...the President would have come out of the bunker, for one thing. I'm doomed either way, but I'll die happier knowing that you survived the disaster." Kate frowned. "Do you hate me that much?" "Huh?" Billy was taken aback. Kate crossed her arms and stared Billy straight in the eye. "Do you have any idea how much ANGST I'd have to go through if I lived and you died? Decades of knowing I took the easy way out while you were flattened like roadkill? Geez, I'll have enough angst from normal stuff even if the LNH *does* save us all, I don't wanna even THINK about how much I'd get if I went into the bunker. Hell(TM), if I went into the bunker and the LNH saved us anyway, I'd have to live with angst *and* guilt, since every time I'd see you I'd be reminded of the cop-out I took." Billy looked around, as if he wasn't expecting that answer and Kate had gone horribly off-script. "Er, okay. I guess. So, um, wanna get a hotel room and do it until the end of the world?" "Sure!" Kate replied, as the scene ended, the director deciding he wanted no more to do with these characters. Lousy ingrates, not wallowing in the lovely angst the writer had set up for them. -------]==+ <*> +==[------- The core of the comic-comet. Dark. Hot. The pressure fusing individual issues together into Trade Paperback collections, and threatening to smash the LNHers into goo. "My Quasi-Etheric Woodpulp Repulsion Magnifier Field won't last for much longer," Contraption Man said, his voice quiet and his breath shallow, to conserve his air. He hadn't planned on being out of the Space.Thingy for more than a few minutes, so his air supply was limited. And for reasons of heightening the drama and urgency of the plot, he didn't ask the Net.Elementalist to simply refill his rebreather. "It need not," Kid Kirby proclaimed, "for the Kirbian has shaken off the last vile influence of that contract. Hold fast to your defenses, for this construct will not survive to hear your next breath!" There was a flare of Kirby Krakl, blinding everyone else in the bubble, and a deafening roar of an energy so powerful and impressive that it could make itself be heard in a vacuum. The comic-comet shattered. -------]==+ <*> +==[------- "Mister President!" a technician shouted from his computer screen. "Come here! Something's happened! Something wonderful!" "What, Mr. Bowman?" the President asked. "Look, the comet has been shattered into pieces, the LNH has done it!" "I'm sorry, Dave, but your jubilation is premature," the man at the next console scowled. "Hal? What have you got?" the President asked, moving over to look at the other screen. "MOST of the comet will miss the planet now. But two pieces will make it through the atmosphere. The smaller one will hit first, pretty much in the middle of nowhere. Then the bigger chunk will land in Lake Mi.sig.an, just offshore from Sig.ago." "I didn't carry Illi.net in the last election, did I?" the President asked one of his aides. "No, sir, you didn't." "Screw 'em." -------]==+ <*> +==[------- As a fiery ball of burning comics fell from the sky, a comic shop owner looked up at the rapidly growing spark. "Damn. I just *knew* it." And then Doctor Doomed, his comic shop, and everything within a mile of him were no more. -------]==+ <*> +==[------- Lynk looked out the window of her hotel room in Sig.ago, where she had been staying for a stage magicians' convention, to meet old friends. The comet fragment had landed moments before in the lake. Now a tremendous tsunami was rushing towards land, the crest of the wave overshadowing even the mighty Scenes Tower. When it crashed, it would take the entire metropolitan area with it, killing millions. Including her. She could have entered the dreamlands to escape, but for some reason she didn't. Why not? She wasn't worried about angst, like Kate was. Kate? How did she know that? She strained, trying to open the gateway into Harnegu. It wouldn't open. Something was very wrong. The wave was close enough to make out the very surprised-looking ducks on the surface of the water. Did one of the ducks look somehow sinister? Then she played a hunch. She knew it shouldn't work. Her position in the dreamlands was such that she shouldn't be in this situation, but.... "Wake up!" she shouted to herself. And she woke up, drenched in sweat. Someone had taken control of the dreamqueen's dream. ============================================================================ NEXT ISSUE: Lynk starts to look into who could be invading her sleep, and some of the other Dvandom Force members actually show up! ============================================================================ Author's Notes: This is, of course, a parody of the movie Deep Impact, based on only having seen the trailers and reviews. But, then again, I did Squidquest on far less familiarity with the parodied material. }-> !mpact Comics was an attempt by DC to launch a second line, using characters licensed from Archie Comics (which had published a short-lived superhero universe in the 70s). The Comet, Black Hood, The Fly, The Web, Jaguar and Shield were the early titles. A few more branched out, then the whole line started to collapse. The Crucible was an attempt to relaunch the line, but it ended up being the last series for Impact (they dropped the ! later on). The scene with The Writer Formerly Known As is chock full of injokes, Tuckerizations and other references, which I will not explain. So there. I will say that TWFKA is mainly based on one guy, but has elements of several others, all involved with the !mpact line. My original plan was to do a quickie riff, maybe the first 100 lines of the issue or so, then move into the "Who's Behind It?" stuff, but I ended up getting inspired and devoting this entire issue to the parody. As a dream sequence, none of the characters actually appeared, even in cameo, so don't sweat the continuity. I was also originally going to have everyone in the world experience this dream, so that the heroes would have to deal with panicky people waking from it, but I decided that smacked too much of my Divine Comedy arc.